[doogie]

I was thinking about email and my t today. To be clear, my t has no issues with how much I email or anything, but I was thinking about the "why" behind the emails I send her. Sometimes, they are true crisis emails, sometimes, questions, sometimes just to check in....

I think I'm afraid sometimes she will forget about me. I think that if an email from me pops up, it in a way forces her to think about me, at least for the amount of time it takes to read the email or to respond. I feel really yucky about it, because that feel manipulative to me on my part, and I don't want to be that way. I think I just don't want to be forgotten. I want her to think about me outside of session.

I feel so yuck wanting that. Needing that from her. I don't want to want or need that, yet I do.

Can anyone relate?

Doogie

[Melbadaze]

oh yes, and its a real benefit in helping me keep "hold" of T...the more I internalize the whole relationship the more I am able to find it within me and don't email as much or as first port of call...don't feel bad about it, its natural and a Good sign that you are holding onto your T...

Doogie,

I don't think that's anything to feel ashamed of, or feel bad about. I've thought about it, and I think that is part of why I send e-mails to T too, sometimes. Sometimes, I just come out and say it: "Hi T, I just wanted you to remember that I'm out here".

My need to do that has diminished over time, although it comes back more strongly when I'm having a hard time. I know my T trusts the process, so I do too.

I wonder if you would feel better if you talked to T about it? Sometimes NOT talking about things leads to shame and self-doubt, when there is really no need for either of those feelings.

Yes. I quite often text T just to say "don't forget me". During the Christmas holidays when I was really struggling I texted her (knowing she wouldn't reply) saying "please let me still exist". I don't think it's manipulative in any way.

I hope you can talk to your T about this.

[doogie]

" I know my T trusts the process, so I do too"

I think that is a good way to put it, Tree, and most likely what my T would say. She keeps saying "This is what it takes to get through this, and you will." Perhaps I need to trust more in the process, but it is so hard. I think because trauma work and the process it involves IS so hard, and there seems to be such a loss of control.