My Friend is Seeing My Therapist and I'm Sad About It :-(

I'm too nice for my own good sometimes, even when being nice seems to hurt me in the long run. I had a friend who had been seeing a psychiatrist, but he would only see her every three weeks or so, and I could hear she needed more support than that. I, for I don't know what reason, suggested she call my T, considering how possessive I can be when it comes to people I trust and adore, I usually don't want to share them. I'm that way with my friends, including my T. I told her my T wasn't taking any new clients, but maybe she could get on her waiting list. I even called my T to tell her about my friend and she told me to tell her to call the office, leave a voice message with her name and number, and say that she was my friend and she'd be sure to work her in. I hardly see this friend and I've only seen her a handful of times. We have been friends for less than a year. We do talk on the phone some, but not often. She is really sweet and is always saying I need to come and hang out at her house, but we never actually make it happen.

I really didn't think anything about her seeing my T it until my friend told me she had an appointment with my T. I got really sad that she was now officially going to be seeing my T, even though I was the one who suggested it. I wasn't expecting this to be my reaction at all. I've talked to my T about it and she was so helpful and understanding. She reassured me that she loved me, that she wasn't going to abandon me, or like my friend better and just toss me aside. These were all of my fears that I told her and it was nice that she understood and didn't think I was this crazy person.

After a while, I got over myself and never thought about it again, until this past Thursday when my friend was waiting in the waiting room. She had an appointment right after me. Let me tell you, I was not in a good place after that. It's still on my mind. I'm now sort of okay that my friend sees my T, but I don't want to have to run into her in the waiting room before or after my appointment. Therapy is a place where I don't have to feel guilty about focusing on myself for at least an hour or so, and I don't want to have to navigate the feelings I feel from seeing my friend, on top of dealing with my regular therapy issues as well. I don't want to have to deal with anyone I know when I'm at T's office. Actually, that's not entirely true because I have seen people I know there, and I am not bothered by it. I have another friend that started seeing her and it bothered me for a small while, but I'm over that. It's just this particular friend seeing my T makes me jealous and I don't know completely why that is. If we could just not have therapy before or after each other that would be great for me.

Tonight on the phone my friend told me a little bit about her session with T and I didn't want to hear about it at all. I admit that I do feel quite jealous, with all honesty. When she had her first appointment I told her that I didn't want to share my sessions and I didn't want to hear about her's as well, because it would just be too weird for me, but apparently she forgot about our agreement. I feel so selfish for feeling this way. I am one of the most loving people on the planet, but I have a real problem sharing the people I love with anybody. I'm so, so afraid of being abandoned.

Do you guys think it's unreasonable to ask my T to try and not schedule my friend on the days I'm there and vice versa? I would be more than happy and willng to be the one who is moved around on the schedule since this is my problem and no one else's. I have standing appointments at the same time every week on Mondays and Thursdays and my friend is scheduled on whatever day and time that T has open for now, I'm guessing. I don't want her to make any special concessions for me, and I feel so bad even thinking of asking her to do that when she's done so much for me already. She's the best T on the planet. I feel like a complete fool for wrestling so much with this and feeling like a scared child, but that is how I'm truly feeling. I'm definitely going to share this in my session this week. I'm not afraid of talking to T about anything, because I always feel so much better when I tell her what is bothering me even if it's probably silly.

Squiggle, I know you understand how I'm feeling.

If you read through all of my rambling, THANK YOU so much for listening.

Yes, peridot, I did read your post and do understand your feelings. It is rather late here and I need to get my granddaughter to bed. I will check back with you later tomorrow and give more feedback.

Squiggle

Peridot- I would be JEALOUS if one of my friends were seeing my T! I would be so upset. I even feel a little childish right now posting this but my initial thought is "NO SHE"S MY T, NOT YOURS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!!" Yikes I sound like a 4yr old. lol. But the fact remains that I consider my time with my T to be very precious and I went through an awful lot of **** to need to see a T and went through 3 crappy T's before I found this one, so no. I am not sharing my T! Find your own because this one is mine!! -Just my opinion. lol. BTW -I totally understand the jealousy!

Oh and I forgot about your question. No i do not think that it would be unreasonable to ask your T not to schedule you guys back to back like that. I don't think it would be that difficult. At most she would just need to space you guys out with one patient. I would bring this up with your T next time you see your T. Good luck!

-Also I am sorry that your friend didn't hold up her end of the bargain and keep her mouth shut about her appointment with your T. That sucks and I am sorry that you had to hear about it!

If you followed my thread about having my daughter see my therapist, you know how freaked out I got. Knowing that she would share with me about her sessions and want to talk with me about things they discussed. That was worrying me to death. It's not that I thought my therapist would like her more than me, I just knew what kinds of issues my daughter had an felt hers would dominate any conversation that she and I may have about therapy.

I knew that I would get lost in all of this and end up quitting to help me daughter. That was not what I wanted, but what I (as the mother) would end up having to do should this thing go through.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all to ask that you NOT have appointments on the same day. After speaking with my therapist about my situation and asking her if she would honor my request of not taking my daughter as a client, she said that she most definitley consider my feelings and would not take her on if I felt it would be a conflict of interest.

I am sure that she would also make sure that we did not have appointments on the same day even if I told her I was okay with my daughter coming.

You quoted: "Therapy is a place where I don't have to feel guilty about focusing on myself for at least an hour or so, and I don't want to have to navigate the feelings I feel from seeing my friend, on top of dealing with my regular therapy issues as well."

I totally agree with you on this. It is hard enough going to therapy withour having any other (avoidable) issue hit us when we walk in the door.

I sure hope that you work this out. Please talk with your therapist about it. I sent emails to mine before our next session. She couldn't say too much in an email, but when we met she knew right off how I felt, so we talked it through. At this time my daughter had already told her that she would not be seeing her, so that freed up my therapist to talk a bit more open about it.

I can assure you one thing. My therapist will not be seeing ANY of my family members or friends I have told her about, UNLESS she consults with me first. That was something she made clear to me now that I have expressed my concerns.

Good luck in trying to work this out. You should be first priority since you were her client prior to your friend.

Good for you Squiggle! -and I am in complete agreement but I am sure you gathered that already by reading my reply. lol.

I agree with everyone. I would hate to share and I would especially hate hearing anything a friend may share about her sessions. What if the friend said that the T did or said such and such and we thought our T did that special for us? It would make me feel terrible.

I totally agree with this...

Anyway, you are making the right thing in talking about it with your T. I'm sure you'll find a good solution togheter.

No, that is NOT an unreasonable request at all.

I had a similar but different experience. A friend recommended a T to me. I set it up and started seeing her. I told her right off that it would be weird to see my friend in the waiting room, and she accommodated. After a few mos I realized this T was too weird for me and quit. That was several years ago, and that friend is still seeing that T, and constantly talks about her. She keeps prodding me to know why I went to a different T, and if she doesn't stop one of these days I'm gonna blurt out "cause she's a f'ing wierdo!!!"

Ok...gone off topic. I guess what I'm saying is friend may not stick with T, and just be happy if she quits!!!

I generously suggested to a co-worker that she see my therapist. I expected she would be referred on, because she was battling alcoholism and that isn't something my T specializs in. When that didn't happen, and my co-worker let me know she had some appointments scheduled, I wasn't feeling very good, or nice, about it. I had a lot of issues about it, and decided to tell my T. Since they had only met twice at that point, my T told me that she would be glad to refer the person on. She asked me to think about it between sessions, then let her know what I thought. She said the final decision would be hers and she would let me know.
She decided to refer her to another T.

So, my co-worker got the help she needed (or would have, if she hadn't quit) and I got to learn that I wasn't comfortable with the jealousy around this, and around the possibility of seeing someone make great progress with "my" T, and worry and jealousy again about them hitting it off (while I struggled), and the fear of lack of confidentiality at work.

Your feelings about your friend seeing your T are good things to talk to your T about.

First, your feelings are very real and there for a reason.
It feels like this is triggering you on an inner level.
It is almost as though you have two minds with this - the adult mind who wanted your friend to have access to the same quality of mental healthcare you have - and then a younger part who feels the twinges of jelousy.

I may be way off base here but wanted to share incase it can help you. But it feels like there may be something in the past that is the root of this. It is almost like there may have been a time in your life when you NEEDED an adult (parent or close teacher) but someone else - a sibling or friend - would interupt you expressing your needs. The authority figure would shift gears and focus attention on the other child. That would leave you out in the cold.

It feels like you wanted to make sure the other child was "ok" too... so you didn't protest this. But deep inside, you held resentment because your needs were not being met. That made you feel badly because you were trying to not be resentful of the other child getting what they needed.

??? Anyway, that is what I see. It looks like you have a big heart.
Just remember that you do have a right to have your needs met.
You have a right to be heard.
I would bet that your T may have intentionally put the apts together because T thought you would like to touch base and see your friend there. Some people like that. But sometimes it doesn't work.

It reminds me of my dentist. My ex - who was a primary abuser of me - goes to the same dentist I do - since we saw the same dentist while together. Well, my new S/O started going to the dentist. She would go when I didn't need to go. Often, she would be upset when I asked her how it went because she kept running into my ex. Soo.... after two years of that, she finally told the receptionist "Do NOT put me down on the same day as XYZ!"

The receptionist was in shock! She said "Well I know you guys know eachother and I thought you were friends! So I have been putting you down on the same day figuring you may want to go get lunch together!"

Bottom line is that people do tend to try to do what they think is what we would like. But they can be wrong. It is our job to let them know what we need.

Lots of good responses....and I agree! I would be mortified and hurt to see a good friend of mine waiting to see my T right after I did and I know, whether I thought it was logical to feel that way or not, that I would struggle with jealous/envious feelings. I don't about seeing my T's next clients in the waiting room when I leave.....but if I knew them, different feelings, different story! And especially a close friend who ordinarily I might want to talk to about T experiences, who might want to talk to me about her T experiences........nope. It's important to feel that your time with your T and what your T says to you is special and to not have that feeling minimized by learning that maybe your T does/says the same thing in a friend's session....or wondering why something different is done for them and not you. Or what if one of you has something related to the other that you share....somehow, it would just feel like privacy/confidentiality was violated even though the T would be careful to guard that. My T knows that she sees other moms from a moms' group I belong to whom I would know and she is careful to not schedule us back to back so that uncomfortable situations like this are avoided...so it is not unreasonable at all for you to make this request of your T and to discuss with her how all this makes you feel. Or unreasonable to remind your friend that in the best interests of both your friendship and your therapy/therapeutic relationship with your T it's best to just keep your individual therapy stuff between the T and you and not bring it up when you're together if she's wanting to stay with this T too - it makes me think of the 'three's company' thing.
I wish you well in dealing with this! you really do seem to have a big heart and care about your friend and I hope she values that.

Ok, seriously, you are going to think I am ridiculous, but I have done this 5 times!!!!! I have literally referred 5 different friends/family members to my T, and have then had really mixed emotions each time once I knew that they were going.

Only one time, was a friend waiting in the waiting room when I left my appointment, and I called RIGHT after I left and left a voicemail asking that this not happen again. So, clearly, I think that it's a really reasonable thing to do. I also did not want to here anything about their sessions.

I think WePow made some excellent points in regards to the "two minds" being in conflict. That definitely hits home for me. I really wanted my friends to get help and I know that there are a lot of bad T's out there....I know my T is great...and so the adult me referred them.....THEN the kid part of me was really jealous and insecure afterward.

I think that it would be very reasonable to make sure that your friend is not scheduled next to you, AND I think that it would be reasonable to tell your friend that you don't want to talk about therapy together (if you feel comfortable doing that).

I do understand. Feelings and emotions can just be crazy, unpredictable things sometimes.

I have had fantasies of sending a friend into therapy, and quitting from conflict of interest. Could it be related to wanting to take care of others but not yourself? It might be really interesting to talk about the why behind doing this.

Oh my gosh, you guys! You have helped me so much with this. I didn't reply earlier because when I feel sad I withdraw and sleep the day away. I haven't done that in a while, so I know I NEED to talk to my T about this ASAP, because I don't want this effecting me like this.

Thanks friend! You definitely understand. Are you inside my head or something? LOL! I have the exact same thoughts of
"NO SHE"S MY T, NOT YOURS AND YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!!" I told her from now on, I'm not telling anyone else about her or referring anyone else to her. They can find their own T. She laughed and said something like, "Yeah, I'm all yours." So awesome!

Squiggle, thanks for understanding. I knew from your thread that you had a similar experience with your daughter and could shed some light on this for me. I think I'm going to print out my post and bring it with me to my session and read it to my T. That way, I won't try to censor myself in an attempt to not sound like I'm being selfish.

Suratji, this is exactly one of my fears. You are so right on.

Liam, thank you! I'm definitely going to talk with her about.

Thanks, Eileen! This helps a lot to feel it's not unreasonable to ask for what I need.

Thank you, Echoes! I would love it if she referred my friend to someone else.

WePow, oh my goodness, you have such amazing insight and you are so right. I can't thank you enough for wording for me what I couldn't quite put together in my mind. WePow, are you sure you aren't a therapist?

Poetgirl, thank you! Mortified is definitely the correct term to use to describe how I felt when I saw my friend in the waiting room. Oh man, that was hard to see her sitting there. Thank you so much for helping me sort this all out.

Inbloom, I think we're twins. Please send me some of your courage to take along with me to my session so I will be able to ask her not to schedule our sessions next to each other's.

No problem as I said I feld childish writing that but that is honestly what I felt would be true for me. Good for you for talking to your T!! YAY she is ALL yours!! Mission accomplished!

I haven't talked up her, yet. She said that a few months ago when my friend first made her appointment. I usually go on Mondays and Thursdays, but this week I will see her on Tuesday and Thursday. So, I'm anxiously awaiting Tuesday to talk to her about the scheduling.

i would definitely be jealous.in fact sometimes i get really jealous of my best friends relationship with her T and also get jealous of the relationship people on here have with their T.i wish i was able to have that kind of closeness and i know i cant at this point.

Granite, You can and you will someday, hopefully soon.