TRIGGER for mention of r*pe. Please don't read if feeling vulnerable. I'm sorry.

I am going to post this now and I'll come back later to reply to other posts. I'm sorry to be asking without giving right now.

I saw T today, the first time since my procedure on Monday. I have had these two HUGE things, two Mondays apart, and have been managing to pretty much hold it together in the meantime. Not perfect, but way way way better than I could have in the past.

I was SO triggered yesterday. Yesterday, I was with a group of friends and one of them asked me about the procedure I had done on Monday. She said to me, "wow, it seems just like being r*ped". When she said it, I could feel this split second of "triggered" and I immediately pushed it way way away and just kept the conversation going as if nothing had happened. And of course, that WAS my issue with the procedure. My history, and being put to sleep, with men, having the procedure I was having while I wasn't even conscious. Ack.

So. I went to T and it started off lighthearted...even though I could kind of feel this "who ARE you" thing towards T. I told him I was feeling that, and he started telling me, and I was like "no, I KNOW who you are, it's just a weird feeling".

We talked about some stuff and then he really wanted to know how the procedure was, so I was telling him, and I started telling him what my friend said. I got out "she said it seems just like" and I could NOT get the word out. I finally managed to say "something bad that starts with an R". T obviously knew what I was talking about...

All of a sudden, I was just overwhelmed. I couldn't breathe. I put my hands out so T would stop talking. The feelings were SOOOOOOOO huge and I was trapped. I couldn't get up and leave and I couldn't sit there. I felt like I was nothing but a big horrible feeling - I'm not even sure what it was - fear, horror - I'm not sure.

I managed to say "we have to do something different". The walls were closing in and I was hiding behind my hands and even though the walls were so close T was SO. FAR. AWAY. He asked if I wanted to play Uno and I said yes so he got up and got our Uno cards, and that was like the END for me. I curled up in a ball and hid and said I couldn't play Uno. It was all of these emotions and body memories and just awfulness. For a long time, I just remember snippets. T must have asked me to put my feet on the ground, because I remember sitting on the edge of the couch with my feet on the ground and my face on my knees, crying. And then we were standing by his window looking out. T was next to me telling me to name things. I had my hands next to my face on both sides, shielding it so he couldn't see me. T kept talking and talking, slowly and gently, but I don't know what he said. He told me not to focus too much on one thing, so I looked at a leaf, a bush, the dirt. I couldn't see the sky

T started saying "tree, please look at me". I covered up my face, and he kept saying we needed to be connected, I couldn't let myself stay isolated. He asked if I could at least just let him be in my peripheral vision, but I so didn't want him to see me. He kept saying it..."tree, please at least peek. you need to connect. you can't stay alone. let yourself connect" on and on.

So, I peeked. And then I left my hands by my sides so I could see him in my peripheral vision. And I WASN'T alone, I got it. And things DID start to get quieter and less scary, slowly. T kept telling me what A good job I was doing. I think I peeked again.

When I seemed okay, T went and got something from his desk to show me that he knew I would like (tickets to a concert he is going to). We talked about that and I finally decided it would be safe to sit down. T sat with me.

The body memories were still there, but I felt back in the room. T said I did such a good job. He said that I didn't resist when he asked me to try things (except looking at him I guess) and that I was able to get grounded so quickly - he said maybe 10 minutes (it felt like FOREVER - I still can't believe it was 10 minutes). He talked about how far I've come. I told him I hate that those big feelings are still lurking there, and he said it makes SO much sense that I would be triggered after the past two weeks and then what my friend said. He spent a long time getting me grounded in NOW.

It was a 90 minute session, so we still had 30 minutes left. It was so gentle. We didn't talk about scary things. We just talked.

And I asked T to tell me about being safe (this is one of my current favorite questions) and he told me about being safe. And he asked me to tell HIM about being safe, so I told him all the reason I know I'm safe.

And I asked him to tell me the good things about our relationship. And he did.

And he said that when he thinks of me, the first thing he thinks of is courage, and that he's proud of me. And he left all of the good things from the end of session on my voice mail for the weekend.

I guess I'm having a hard time pulling myself out of SHAME, which to me, is the worst feeling ever. I was so ashamed of my big, big, big feelings in session. And T was so gentle, and we had SO much time to reconnect at the end, and I could tell that he still loves me and likes me and that it's okay. AND I wish it didn't happen. I want the big feelings to GO AWAY. Sometimes, it's just too much. T said he was glad I was with him when it happened so he could help me be safe. But. But.

I haven't reread this, but I know it is LONG, so if you read this far, thank you.

I am SO so so so so tired, and actually came home with a FEVER I hope I didn't make T sick. I didn't know I was sick

Therapy. Ack.

[granite1]

wow sounds so painfull.but you are so amazing for being able to feel these feeling as hard as they are.next is to be able to work with them with your T to make them go away and it seems you are on your waay with that also .you are so brave.i think i would have stayed on the couch with my head hid gurled up.guess i should be happy my T has a couch

[Tatyana2009]

You are very brave. I think the fact that you could write all this here shows how good the session was. Even if painful. I think - from what you write - your T is very good and cares about you so much - which is beautiful to read.

Take good care. I hope the fever will settle. Stay warm and sleep. Warm hugs x

[WePow]

(((((((((Tree)))))))))))

I read every word. Thank you so so much for sharing this. I agree with your T, you are a very brave and strong person. You did a WONDERFUL job!!! Body memories around SA can be so very hard to process through. I feel angry that you were hurt in those ways. My heart goes out to you. But I feel joyful that you are doing so well in working for your healing and your health. You are doing so great!

"I'm sorry to be asking without giving right now." <--- Now THIS part I need to call you out on.

These two things - giving and receiving - have been linked by society in a way that causes a very big problem. Giving and love should not have anything to do with what the other person does. I ((and I know others here on PC)) give you our love and our time and our replies because they are a gift to YOU. They don't require any payment on your part. They do not require you to reply back to us.

When you reply to us, we accept it as a gift from you. We accept your compassion and friendship. We don't think you are expecting us to pay for it in some way.

Give and Receive are a NATURAL outcome of a healthy relationship. That is VERY different than an expectation.

We care deeply for you and we celebrate your progress WITH you :-)

[SpiritRunner]

I read it all, tree, and am again so amazed at your T and you. the work that you do together is awesome, so full of grace and healing. I know it was painful, but what good work you did today, getting grounded so quickly!
And you give so much, tree, you share so many gifts with us....you even gave so much in this post. You didn't just ask for support, you gave and you shared, too....you gave and you shared yourself and your struggles and pain and grace. Thank you!

Little pieces of the session are kind of floating back in now.

I remember while I was still crying with my face on my knees, T saying "These are big, big feelings, but you can handle them. I trust you."

And later, when he asked me to tell him about Safe, I remember that I said "I can have big feelings now and I don't have to engage in all kind of risky behaviors to get away from them" and I realized that is true, and BIG. And I told him, "I can run REALLY REALLY far". Because I really can.

Thank you for being here. It helps to be heard. And to say " I had these huge feelings" and to have it be okay.

[Tatyana2009]

You are very welcome. I wish I could do more.

Just remember - every step might be painful but it brings you closer to a peaceful existence - where those feelings will be part of the past. You will recall them and feel a huge sense of satisfaction that you have dealt with it. And it is in the past.

Well done for being able to ground yourself. You are not alone xxx

[WePow]

Yes! It IS ok to have those huge feelings. And you can be ok with those big emotions.

i haven't post in awhile, in a bad place... my own issues

but when i read your post, i cried, not because i was triggered, but because of your courage, like your t said... and for the pain you had to go through and the pain you are still going through and the pain all of the csa and rape victims/survivors are going through
i am sad that so many people can relate to it all

i hope someday to have your courage

but until then thank you for letting me know there is still hope...

[rainbow8]

((((((tree))))))

I always read your posts about your sessions with awe and amazement. You and your T are such a team; it makes me cry. Your BIG feelings are okay; you don't have to be ashamed. You are doing such hard work and I admire you for your courage.

You give so much to this forum just by posting about your struggles. WePow is correct that no one has to give and take equally. It's all of us working together and getting the support we need when we need it that matters. Hugs for you and for everyone .

[mixedup_emotions]

(((((( Tree ))))))

I am so glad that you have such a wonderful T to help you through this difficult work. This is one of those things that keeps me from delving more than a toe into those waters...because I am constantly losing touch with the here-and-now and end up immersed in those scary, scary places.....

I'm glad your T is there with you in such an intimate and caring way....

Edited to add: And "r*pe" is one of those words that I absolutely cannot say out loud....goes back to the discussion about using the words. I still reference things in a very vague way with T. It's just too YUCK....

[Sweetlove]

(((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

I read all of it..I read everything you write. That was so powerful and deep, you keep showing every single week how much strength and courage it takes to just be YOU. You have been through so much and I'm glad you are giving yourself credit for how far you have come, you deserve every bit. I'm so happy your T was with you for that time today, and how great perfect he is for you...I'm not sure many T's would be that great at grounding and overall care.

Take care of yourself right now...get some rest and try to relax as much as you can. I'll be thinking of you lots

[abience]

treehouse,

Very strong, healthy work.

Hugs if you want them.

A

[PTSDlovemycats]

Great work Tree! Many kudos to you!!

Tree, this was so powerful to read. I love your posts about your sessions- even when it sounds so very hard, your description literally overflows with healing.

Everything your T says about your wonderful qualities is true.

I hope the fever breaks and that there are pockets of grace in today

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by Improving

Tree, this was so powerful to read. I love your posts about your sessions- even when it sounds so very hard, your description literally overflows with healing.

I agree! I often feel like I am in the room with you and your T Tree!

[sailboat]

Wow, Tree, thanks for sharing! This is extremely powerful and almost makes me cry!
Amazing job you did in there! When I had such a moment of utter terror in session once I didn't come back. I couldn't be grounded. I didn't even hear T, I heard her once tell me to talk to her. The next session she told me she asked at least 3-4 times.
I'm so impressed with you. I mean that!



How's the fever? Is it down again? I often get a fever when my emotions run high. A few hours later it's gone.

[Luce]

(((Tree)))

I love that you held it all together until the time and place you knew it would be safe to feel all the feelings you needed to feel.
I love that it is safe enough for you to face those things in that room there with your T.
I love that T can *be* there with you and help you find your way back out again.

[elliemay]

SOmetimes I feel like the body memories are the worst (although it's all bad). I have no idea where to put them, or wrangle them down.

I know it hurts now, but I think you handled this all like a real pro. I hope you are proud of yourself, because you should be. Once again, you made it though. You are doing it!

I thank you for sharing this part of your healing with us.

[lastyearisblank]

So scary. I'm really glad you and t were able to re-connect.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am hoping for you some big reverberations of peace now. you did so well.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))

That sounds really scary and intense.

How are you feeling now?

I hope you are being kind and gentle with yourself. You really need to take extra-special good care of yourself right now.

The good news here is that you really did stay fairly present despite the stress of the situation. You have really good recall of the events which shows you really didn't "lose it" as much as you might feel you did. Good job staying grounded. Must have been a frightening situation.

[jazzy123456]

You are courageous
and I'm happy you have such a strong, encouraging T to help guide you towards that...

it was in you all along,
thats what I think,
are HERO, our Courage is in us all along,
sometimes it just takes a little support
and gentle comfort to nudge it out.