Last night, T e-mailed me and said that there would be no trouble, no termination, just space to reconnect. So I went.

Basically, I sat down and T said he had some thoughts and feelings and then he wanted to hear my thoughts and feelings. So I listened. He had NO idea what had happened on Monday, and was really confused about my reaction and all of my big feelings. He said that he wanted me to come in today because this rupture felt "different" than others we have had. I asked him what felt different, and he said it felt so much bigger.

So, I explained what happened, from my point of view. We talked back and forth, and I know he got it in the end. He said he was really tired on Monday and that that probably played into so much of what happened...my feeling that he was pulling away (because I could sense that his energy was different), his "defensiveness" about me thinking he was pulling away, his giant mix up at the end when he said one thing and did another thing.

He said that when he got my e-mails (basically accusing him of not really caring about me), his "childish" reaction was "WHAT?!" and that he was upset.

We were able to trace what happened, why he kept triggering me over and over again, etc. I told him that I *knew* as time passed that I was really triggered and that a lot of it was about that, but that the whole thing had brought so many yucky core issues about shame and not being loved and being tricked to the surface.

It doesn't feel "all better", but it does feel like we are on the way, I think.

At the end of session, he said he wasn't going to charge me for today. That actually meant a lot to me, because it was going to be hard to come up with the extra money (although I hadn't said that to him), and because it felt unfair that I had to pay so much money to try to fix what had happened. I was willing to pay, though, and planning on it, totally. So, I was really surprised when he stood up at the end of session and told me he had thought about it and there would be no copay today. Like, he was just interested in repairing the relationship.

I still feel kind of shaky and triggered and suspicious (isn't that awful?), but not like before. I want the deep feeling of safety and security and love to come back, and I guess it will, with a little time.

I actually see him tomorrow at 9 for my regular session.

Thanks for helping me through this.

[lovelygirl]

Please forgive my quick and immature reply, but I'd kill for a shrink like yours right now.

[Chronic]

Glad you were able to meet up with T to sort this out. It sounds like he just totally didnt hear you and that he hadn't changed towards you but just didnt "get" you at that moment. I hope you have a good session tomorrow and find that safe feeling again

[jexa]

tree, this is wonderful. Your T rocks, and so do you, for slogging this out always, and staying honest always.

[sunrise]

So glad the two of you worked that out, treehouse.

Originally Posted by treehouse

his "childish" reaction was "WHAT?!" and that he was upset.

I think sometimes our Ts are taken by surprise by our interpretations of their actions and words. That is why it is so important to share our interpretations with them, so they can clarify to us what they meant and also learn something to help them in the future (with both you and other clients). I think a client as honest as you, treehouse, is a great way for a T to grow and learn. When my T says something that slides off me the wrong way, I try to hold in my mind (and heart) the reality of our strong relationship.

Your story from last session reminded me a little of my own last session, so hearing your resolution helped me. Toward the end of my last session, I remembered something I had been wanting to tell T since Christmas. It was something I knew he would be interested to hear, and that we would have a good discussion around it. It was one of things that is in the "sweet spot" of our relationship. So I told him I had just remembered something I had been wanting to tell him and I would tell him next time. He insisted I tell him then, as he wanted to hear it, and he said we had time. Since we sometimes go over our time on session, I thought that meant he had extra time, so I agreed, after he asked me twice. So I told this thing and got very little feedback or comment, and then he said he had to go as he had an offsite appointment and needed to hit the road, and he stood up and started putting his coat on, closed the window blinds, etc. I felt very robbed by that--I had not gotten the good feelings I know would have ensued if we talked longer about it. And I felt like he wasn't trustworthy, as he had urged me to share it, and I had believed we had enough time, as he had implied. So I learned from that to trust my own gut and not to bring up something near the end of session, even if T says I should. I know he didn't mean for me to feel this way, as he cares about me a lot and our relationship is strong. I see this confirmed, in a way, for me, in your own description of your T's reaction, Treehouse. I know my T isn't your T, tree, but somehow what you wrote helped me. My T just had a clumsy moment.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm so glad you worked it out, tree.....you really do have an awesome T, clumsy moments, off moments, or no!

[rainbow8]

I'm happy your T and you area straightening it out!

[WePow]

((((((((Tree)))))))) You can't see how happy I am with you for this!!!! Way to go!!! You were so brave and you did the right thing! I am so happy your T showed you his true heart and concern for you. He cares. Way to go! Way to work through the pain and allow yourself to be so open.

[WikidPissah]

good job working it out Tree!!!

[karebear1]

That's awesome Tree. Sure hope you can feel better and better as the day goes on. It's good you have tomorrow too. Any lingering doubts can be talked about there as well.

[elliemay]

It certainly can seem like a long way back home, but I think with each trip it gets a little shorter. I'm glad you are on the repair.

They say that if you break a bone, it comes back stronger. I know this is not true, but it does come back different and more open to change/remodeling.

My therapist and I were just talking today about how with each event in my therapy, I come back better. WE come back better. And how that translates into the people I live with and love every single day.

That one essential connection can blossom, ripple.

[nannypat]

I am glad it is working out for you.

[granite1]

glad to see you are heading back on the track with your T you are usually so close.it must have been so hard

[learning1]

that's nice to read your t gave you an extra session and you're starting to feel better. It isn't awful that you still feel triggered and suspicious. You need what you need and it's always wonderful to read that you can say it.

[Sweetlove]

I knew you would work it out! It is so great your T didn't charge you, that means he wholeheartedly wanted to reconnect and repair the relationship...nothing selfish or greedy. You and your T are awesome Tree

Thanks (((((((((((PC Friends)))))))))))))

Last night while I was laying awake with insomnia (ack ) I was thinking about T right now, and how it feels to be in that room. We're dealing with such deep, CORE feelings, that it's honestly hard to go to session. I want to get to the other side of it, AND I don't want to do therapy. Both.

Anyhow, I know that I have a heightened sense of "I am a horrible, unlovable person" right now, and that everything T does is seen through those lenses. I am going to have to try to remember to step back and remember that.

I really, really appreciate everyone's replies. My computer is broken right now (I'm borrowing my son's right this second), so if I seem absent, that's why. Hopefully, my H can fix mine this weekend.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I am so glad that you are continuing to work this out, to get back the feeling of safety and trust that you have with T. It's hard when T's are "off". A couple weeks ago, I experienced a similar session - and when I emailed T, telling him that I felt disconnected and distant, he owned up to it by saying he wasn't feeling well so he wasn't totally present - but that it was in no way a reflection of his continued concern for me, etc. That meant a lot. The following session (last week), he brought it up and asked me if his response helped. He was so caring when he addressed it, so I knew it was important to him. And it did help. It helped to know that I could separate his stuff (not feeling well, not being present as a result) from my stuff...and that I could trust that he was being sincere.

And I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to do therapy - but wanting to get to the other side...such a dilemma....but you're doing it. One step at a time...((( HUGS )))