[lifelesstraveled]

I walked into T in a decent mood, I guess. We chatted about crocheting and knitting for a few minutes (i've been bringing the blanket I'm working on to keep me sane for the 50 minutes I am with T).

We started talking about what was going on with me, some of the writing I shared with her last week, the change in my anti-d's, etc.

I'm not quite sure what happened. I started getting really aggravated as the session progressed. I felt like our conversation was going and circles and I told t she was beginning to aggravate me (strike 1). As we moved further along, I told her she was being really difficult today (strike 2) and then she told me I was being difficult (strike 3)...by this point I was almost at my peak of pure......idk. I was annoyed and aggravated. I was getting shaky. She asked me a question, that I can't quite remember, I just know I didn't answer her and crocheted away. She started tapping her foot, and then said "LLT" I said yes, she said "I asked you a question". I couldn't even answer her because I didn't really even hear/remember the question.

We somehow got back to a topic we had been discussing a little earlier she asked me about my friend and how I admire how carefree she is and happy she is. T asked why I couldn't be like that. I told her that's just the way my friend grew up. It was instilled in her. She asked me how I grew up (last strike) and I finally hit my breaking point. I sat there quitely wanting to answer, but I could feel something happen. It was like my brain short circuited. I felt something snapped and my anxiety went through the roof. I wasn't expecting that to happen. My feet starting to tingle, and my chest got super tight. I was getting antsy and couldn't even crochet anymore. She asked me a question and I blurted out "huh?". I could hear her talking but her voice sounded so muffled. I kept telling her I wanted to go and that i felt like i was in the twilight zone. she wanted me to explain what I meant. I couldnt' or didn't want to anyways. I told her I don't know what the twilight zone means (a lie, it's how I describe feeling over spacey) and that I was fine, maybe just overly annoyed...but i wanted to go. I kept touching my face and moving around. She finally ended the session, told me I had a credit on my balance so I didn't have to pay anything. We scheduled another appt and I left as fast as I could.

I am so so so embarassed, I can't believe I acted like that. That's the first time I have EVER done that in T and now I really don't want to go back. She probably thinks I'm some melodramatic headcase. I seriously wasn't expecting that AT ALL. I want to call her and apologize (and cancel my next appt) but she will probably want to know what happened and I really dont want to tell her.

IDK. I'm just venting. No need to respond. Thanks for reading.

[BlessedRhiannon]

LLT - I know exactly how you feel. The first time I had a panic attack and dissociated during a session, I was so embarrassed and wanted to run away and never go back. I'd never let anyone see me like that before. Since then, I've had several episodes during a session...had a panic attack and started dissociating today, but between my T and I, we managed to get me calmed down and back in the room.

All I can tell you is that I'm sure your T doesn't think you're melodramatic or anything. Talk to your T....she'll understand.

[WePow]

(((((LLT)))))) Therapy is the RIGHT place to behave the way you did today. You were being open and honest. What came out wasn't fake. It wasn't hiding. It was real.

My T tells me "Therapy can be messy because life can be messy."

I have a feeling that your T was very happy to see what you presented in session. By being that honest, T will know how to help you better!

[learning1]

LLT, sorry you're having a hard time.
I thought it sounds like "normal" stuff for therapy... if it makes any sense to call therapy normal(?). I hope that might help you feel less embarrassed about it, though I know I can't help feeling embarrassed sometimes too.

I know I've not been able to remember what a t said when I was really overwhelmed sometimes. I was really surprised how anxious I got in therapy too.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I have done similar things to that as well. Don't worry about it. If you need to talk about it with your T at your nest session. I am sure it is fine.

Sounds like a hard session. I hate it when, for whatever reason, we just don't connect and it doesn't work.

I'm sure your T is not judging you for anything that happened in your session. We certainly don't have to be on our best behaviour in therapy! I hope you feel able to go back and talk this through with her, and that it will be fruitful for you.

[lastyearisblank]

I have done this (and called to apologize). My T was like, huh? I bet you she didn't even notice. She is there for you, whether you are delightful, or anxious, or whatever. Hope you don't cancel!

[pegasus]

Hugs (((((((((( lifelesstraveled )))))))))))

Your T will be aware that she hit a nerve and stirred something up. You really don't need to apologize for this, it's part of therapy and part of healing too. Be gentle with you.

[elliemay]

The first time I had a panic attack in therapy I just sat there and suffered. Totally checked out. If I hadn't been so paralyzed I would have done the same thing you did, just left. Agitation is all a part of the rising anxiety IMO.

I mean who wouldn't want to get out of that situation? Really, I see absolutely positively nothing to be embarrassed about.

I frequently do walk abouts in my therapist's office, but it is so small I just end up walking back and forth.

In the long run I think it would be beneficial if you try to tell your therapist what happened and perhaps look at what was going on that day before you even got to therapy.

Something set these feelings in motion and I think it would help to explore what that something is.

I hope you feel better today. Take it easy on yourself. You had a really hard day yesterday.

[jazzy123456]

yep, take it easy.
i wouldn't worry to much over it.
this is what therapy is for.

[sittingatwatersedge]

[quote=lifelesstraveled;1749785]I walked into T in a decent mood, I guess. We chatted about crocheting and knitting for a few minutes (i've been bringing the blanket I'm working on to keep me sane for the 50 minutes I am with T).



(((((((((((((((((((((( LLT ))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lifelesstraveled]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I ended up calling T today to apologize for what happened yesterday (for telling her she was was aggravating me, and that she was being difficult and for what happened right before I left- I didn't tell her i was on the verge of a panic attack). I told her I felt like I was being mean to her when all she was trying to do was help me.

She accepted my apology, but told me I had nothing to apologize for. That those were my feelings in that moment and it was OK. You all were right! I'm sure we are going to talk about it more at our next session.

Thanks for all of your kind words!

[kitten16]

Wow - so the T asked you, "How did you grow up?" Was it your second or third session? If my T said that to me (and he occasionally plays dumb like that, it might be a technique but it drives me NUTS), I would totally start crying and flip out. In fact, I might walk out. I think you did fine. Don't apologize! You can do whatever you want in therapy. The burden of behaving correctly is on the T, not you!

[Suratji]

I think I've read that therapists consider it 'rich' material when we react emotionally. It provides lots of clues,(unconscious usually) of what we need to work on. My T wants me to show emotion since I'm usually living in my 'frontal cortex' which is the rational part of the brain. She wants me to tap into the limbic system which is the emotional part.