Session today.

Hello darling PC friends....

Wow, I am so deeply touched by the incredible support and messages you all have generously given me in the last 24 hours. I felt so held and cared for in the midst of what basically felt like a therapy bombing incident. I cried for hours yesterday, so hard that I threw up last night, then slept, then went to what turned out to be a mercifully timed meeting with former T, the kind and lovely one I saw for 10 years. I hadn't seen him in almost a year, and we were originally just going to say hello and catch up. But obviously I couldn't just do that, and as it happens, he worked with new T for a long time and knows him, so today's session with former T turned out basically to be a consult about what I need and have been feeling re: new T.

I will try to sum up the atrocity that was yesterday. The day before yesterday, I left a VM for new T saying I was having a lot of trouble making his style work for me, that the environment felt chilly and without solace, and I just didn't know how to cope with that. I said, I need warmth! I also said (and I totally own that I said this very poorly) that I thought he perceived himself as a person who is warm, but that he isn't. I was angry and distraught and it wasn't the nicest message I've ever left to be sure.

So I went into the session and he just looked at me and said, I got your message, and clearly you're disappointed with me and don't like my style, so my question is, where do you want to go from here? I asked what he meant, and turns out he basically got the impression that I didn't want to work with him anymore. I clarified that I wasn't terminating, but that I obviously needed to talk with him about if and how we can make this work.

Then he said (and at this point he was visibly angry), Well, you need to know that it's not okay with me for you to insult me on a voicemail message. (He was referring primarily to my not-nice comment about him not being warm--everything else I said was about how this was feeling to me, not an attack on him.) He was talking--"if this is going to be collaborative and respectful, you need to understand that it's not okay to leave insulting messages, etc."--and I just felt myself shrinking, shrinking, shrinking into my chair. I felt remorseful about making an unkind (and unfair) comment, but more than that--I felt shamed, and silenced, and--as former T put it today--spanked. I felt like I'd been spanked.

I spent the rest of the session trying to navigate his questions (I don't even remember what they were) while feeling thrown back to the worst moments of being a five-year-old: punished, shamed, trapped, so totally unable to say anything that would be heard that I eventually couldn't speak at all. And then the hour was up, and he said he would be out of town next week, and he handed me a card for some chick who's covering for him. And he showed me the door.

Last night: bad. You know. Fast forward to old T meeting today. Can I just say I've never been so happy to see that guy in my life? He gave me a big hug and I started crying all over again (oh, btw, I'd left him a VM the night before re: train wreck session, so he had a heads-up.) Old T really focused on asking me what I was feeling leading up to leaving that VM for new T, what had been happening in the previous few sessions. My need for warmth and connection in the midst of T (any T) challenging me on my stuff is vital--I got clear that that is a deal-breaker for me. If I'm going to be challenged, I need to be supported too.

And old T said something interesting about the "it's not okay for you to leave insulting messages" comment. That was when he asked if I'd felt spanked, and I laughed because he was so right. I said I'd felt badly about saying what I said. He said, "But, wait--you're the client. Clients say stuff that's messy. And his (new T's) phrasing basically shut down any opportunity for you two to talk about what was going on. I wonder how it might have been different if he'd said, 'I don't know if you realize that that might have hurt my feelings.'" It's true, that would have totally opened up the conversation.

But responding in that way would have required some vulnerability from new T--acknowledging that I'd been hurtful. And the question became, is new T someone who can bring not only some bit of warmth but also authenticity and enough vulnerability to keep the lines of communication open? Though he didn't say anything specific about new T, old T did basically say that if I continue, I definitely shouldn't expect it to be warm and fuzzy. And that the question about new T's capacity for openness is, well, open. Old T said I should also try to assess whether this is actually important old material (shame, silencing) that I need to process, or if I'm just in a re-enactment that's ultimately not helpful, meaning I'm with someone who's not a good fit and with whom I would be likely to struggle unproductively.

I am in a much stronger place tonight and am clear on what I need. I need to go back to new T and reclaim my seat and my voice. I need to tell him how excruciating and devastating our session was, and why. I need to tell him what my basic needs are, that they're going to require a degree of authenticity from him that he's perhaps not previously been comfortable with. And I need to ask him basically if he's willing to go there with me. He may not. And that is truly okay with me. I'll figure something else out, but with my integrity intact and having said what I need to say.

Okay, this has turned into War and Peace, sorry guys. But that's the latest. Bottom line: I'm okay now, and don't see new T until the 28th, so have a week-plus to recuperate, thank goodness.

Smiles and safe hugs and truly, my deepest appreciation to all of you who've given such incredible support. Will keep you posted and, mercifully, will be able to keep the drama to a minimum for the near term. Will check back in with all of you on the threads tomorrow.

It sounds like you have come to a pretty clear resolution as to what to do.That's awesome! And how wonderful that you have an old T that you can still connect with. You are so lucky to ahve that old T- huh??

Wow LG. Wow for the astonishing way your new T treated you and wow for the support and love you got from old T. I can't believe the new T said that to you...and your old T is right: YOU are the client...this is YOUR therapy. A professional and mature thing to say would be "I'm sorry you feel that way and I understand your need for warmth, however, that may not be what I can offer you and if that is the case we could both find you another T more suitable for your needs."

If you don't mind me asking...Why did you have to leave old T? And, are your visits with old T therapy sessions or just friendly meetings at a coffee shop or something? Just interested because I have an old T that I got really close to but it wasn't productive anymore just because I knew a little too much about her and became her therapist! However, I still care about her and would love to catch up occasionally.

Glad you are feeling a bit better...remember this process is about YOU and YOUR needs...hang in there

(((((((((((((lovelygirl))))))))))))))

Thank you for the update

My T and I were talking yesterday about "blank slate" therapists. He said that to him, it's so important for therapists to own their part in the things that happen in session, that it's not realistic to call it all 'transference' or put it all on the client or whatever.

I actually said something super mean to my T this week in an e-mail. I went on and on about how scared I was and how my feelings were so hurt and ended with: "Nice 'corrective emotional experience'". Which was such a low blow to T and totally undermined his work and our work together. And he was angry.

But. He described how his initial reaction was anger, but that he was able to get curious about what was going on, and that he wanted to find out and talk and work together on repairing and reconnecting.

By the time I saw him, he wasn't angry, and I was able to tell him what had happened, and he was able to hear me and understand. We didn't even talk about his anger that day, but we did talk about it the next day. I get why he felt angry, and I'm glad in a way that he had a normal human reaction, and I'm VERY glad that he was honest with me about it...AND I'm grateful that he was able to set it aside to help me, and we were able to talk honestly about the whole thing later, after we had worked on reconnecting. I apologized for being mean in my e-mail. I've never been mean to T before, and I felt really bad. And he forgave me, and I forgave him, and we are moving forward.

If I had walked in and been verbally "spanked", the whole thing would have felt so different. Like you, there would have been so much shame and fear. In my opinion, therapy is a place to learn different reactions and behaviors, and we can do that without ever being shamed or punished.

I'm so glad you were able to talk to your Old T, and that you have such a mature and empowering plan for moving forward next time you see New T. Good for you

Many hugs to you!

Thank you so much, Sweetlove. Should be an interesting next session. (Interesting like a hurricane is interesting? )

To answer your question, I met my old T in his office. We've never met anywhere else because he told me he always wants me to feel like the door is open, and it's pretty hard to put a therapy frame back in place when you've hung out for coffee! Maybe you could call your former T and ask what might work, if you are interested in visiting with her?

Thanks for everything!

Tree, thank you so much for sharing this. It's an amazing bookend to this whole question of how each party handles it when tension, conflict, rupture take place in T. Your T sounds amazing--thoughtful, human, generous, and very skilled. You've got a very good egg there.

Jury's still out on mine. But at least I've got my feet under me again and know I can sort it out.

Thank you again SO much for your support and wisdom.

Amen to what Tree said! There is absolutely no room in therapy for feeling punished or shamed or anything of the sort.

Something is just askew here.

I really respect and admire your courage and your plan moving forward.

I want to applaud you for your authentic behavior! WOW! I am so glad your old T was able to come through for you when you needed him. It is not easy to make a healthy stand for ourselves, and you did it!