[elliemay]

I've struggled with it for years. Trusting myself, trusting my friends, my bosses, my therapists. It's been such a barrier to the lasting human connection that I've realized that I need so so much.

I've also come to realize what trust actually is and where it comes from. Yes, trust must be earned by the other person, but not through a series of tests, but through a series of actions.

Trust also means that I do not expect the other person to be perfect, but rather fully acknowledging the fact that they are going to make mistakes that hurt me and make me very disappointed.

I've absolutely come to know that trust starts first with a trust in myself. I have to know that I can absorb hurt and disappointment that is part and parcel with human interaction and not let it derail everything. To approach with empathy and understanding rather than fear.

Fear is a death knell for trust.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Very well put!

[Suratji]

Trust is like walking a tightrope. How much to lean this way or that so as not to lose one's balance. It's not an easy thing because each situation, each person is different and we must learn to fine tune our senses. How much to trust and how important is it to us if they 'fail' us. Are we too hard on people? Do we expect too much? Are we too sensitive? Oh, man - it's tough

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I've struggled with it for years. Trusting myself, trusting my friends, my bosses, my therapists. It's been such a barrier to the lasting human connection that I've realized that I need so so much.

I've also come to realize what trust actually is and where it comes from. Yes, trust must be earned by the other person, but not through a series of tests, but through a series of actions.

Trust also means that I do not expect the other person to be perfect, but rather fully acknowledging the fact that they are going to make mistakes that hurt me and make me very disappointed.

I've absolutely come to know that trust starts first with a trust in myself. I have to know that I can absorb hurt and disappointment that is part and parcel with human interaction and not let it derail everything. To approach with empathy and understanding rather than fear.

Fear is a death knell for trust.

this resonates with me deeply today.....thank you, elliemay. I am feeling that fear.....but I need to learn a deeper sense of trust in myself so that fear doesn't derail relationships that are worth preserving and saving....

[Sannah]

Good thoughts here......

I think that trust isn't the absence of being hurt. Trust is the relationship, that even when the other person hurts you that they will work through it with you, apoligize, make a committment with you for your wellbeing and work to not hurt you in the future.

And don't forget where trust is first created. The stage of trust/mistrust is the first year of life. If your caregiver responds to your needs, you learn to trust. If not, you learn to mistrust. This is where the journey of trust begins....

The fear part is very interesting. Fear can be a good messenger to keep you safe too. Maybe this is where trusting yourself comes in?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Fear is a death knell for trust.

One more time - You PC folks - you are amazing.

I have appt to see T tonight and have been just unable (for once) to formulate what I need to talk to her about: but this is it, this is definitely it.

thank you so much.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Fear is a death knell for trust.

There is someone in a position of power in my life, with whom trust has a great deal to do with the relationship. This person has tried (for years now) ried to become little for me, if I can put it that way, so that I will not fear and will trust... has done me so many kindnesses, has been so patient... and last time I saw T I said, "I think I goofed - I told this person, 'I am afraid of you.' "

She said, "What was the answer?"

I told here, "There was no answer; but in the silence I realized that this person is not you, T; although you are trained not to take my distorted reactions personally, other people are not" (to my dismay, she nodded), "and I may have done some damage here."
It would just kill me, you know? Not literally of course but I would see myself like some dog that bites a person who's never done it any harm...

the lack of trust, and the fear behind it, has to be carefully hidden. Oftentimes, it's not easy.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

the lack of trust, and the fear behind it, has to be carefully hidden. Oftentimes, it's not easy.

I don't think that hiding anything is the answer. It still affects you even if it is hidden. I think that working through it is the answer.......

I don't see any harm in being truthful by telling this person that you are afraid of him.

[Suratji]

One time I told a close friend that she scared me and she replied, "You use your fear as a weapon against me."

I have no idea what she means. I just know that she has hurt me with her words before and it makes me scared to be as open with her as she wants me to be. So,I definitely don't feel trust.