[Kacey2]

I often see that awful word boundaries on this forum and I just wanted to throw something out there that my t told me. My t is a smart fellow and he just said it well for me.

He calls them limits. He told me that he doesn't like to use the word boundary because it is doing something to someone else or keeping someone out.

When he talks about his limits, it is him knowing himself and what he is capable of doing. Something he does for himself to have good self care. His limits are not always set in stone either. They ebb and flow as it goes with anything. What might be a limit of his at one point in therapy is not always a limit at another time.

I like that better than always using the 'B' word.

[lastyearisblank]

Thanks for this, I REALLY don't like the word boundaries either, and I've never been able to figure out why.

It just sounds like something to do with toilet training. Or something you have to learn after not having them..

Most of us know our limits deep down, and want to respect others. It's true they are not set in stone, the hard thing about them is knowing when to negotiate and when you respect the limit. Your t definitely sounds like a keeper.

I like that. I think "limits" is easier to understand than "boundaries" for some reason. I know when I started therapy, if I had to identify my own "boundaries", I couldn't have done it...it was just a foreign language to me. But I bet I could have named some of my limits, for sure.

thanks for sharing that, kacey!

[learning1]

I like that because it sounds okay that one's limits change. Boundaries sounds like you're supposed to set it in stone so everyone knows what they are and never has to think about the situation. But that's not how it really works. I agree with your t.

[seventyeight]

i actually prefer the term "boundaries" over "limits." to me, "limits" have a somewhat "lacking" connotation, like "it's up to this point, but no more." for me, i'd focus on what things can't be (as in, what's "above" the line of limitation), rather than what they are (like the glass being half empty as opposed to half full, i guess).

"boundaries," in my opinion, is a more "inclusive" term, like these are the lines that contain the relationship (rather than this is only how far it will go - as in the limit), and are what keep it safe and healthy.

[Suratji]

It doesn't matter what the word is - the connotation is the same for me.

I don't like the boundaries word either, it sounds so cold... limits sound better simply because I've spent my whole life setting "boundaries" and they weren't actual boundaries, just a whole lot of walls. Changing the word to "limits" is like allowing the "walls" to come down.

[Dr.Muffin]

its definitely a matter of preference....i had a client who HATED the b-word, so we never used it. the meaning is more important than the actual word

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

i actually prefer the term "boundaries" over "limits." to me, "limits" have a somewhat "lacking" connotation, like "it's up to this point, but no more." for me, i'd focus on what things can't be (as in, what's "above" the line of limitation), rather than what they are (like the glass being half empty as opposed to half full, i guess).

"boundaries," in my opinion, is a more "inclusive" term, like these are the lines that contain the relationship (rather than this is only how far it will go - as in the limit), and are what keep it safe and healthy.

I like your thoughts on this too 78. It is always interesting to see how others view things and what words and catch phrases represent in our own personal worlds.
Food for thought.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

its definitely a matter of preference....i had a client who HATED the b-word, so we never used it. the meaning is more important than the actual word

I am glad you did that for your client Dr. Muffin. It shows that you know that your words are well thought.

I had a similar instance with my t about saying I apologize vs I am sorry. And in the end he thanked me for telling him and said that my language was very important to him. That was something that made me feel cared for.

I have to say that I really liked this explanation. When I think of boundaries, I always visualize a stone fence (like the ones you see in Vermont or New England). It's something that draws a line with finality; it's unmovable and often reinforced. A limit is a bit different. It's a bit more fluid. For example: "Would you like some ice tea?" "Sure, but just to here." But next time I have some tea, I might indicate that I can handle a full glass. I know it's still drawing a "line in the sand" but I like that it can change and move. I also think it demonstrates that human's limits can change over time; it's a good thing for people who have difficulties with limits to learn. As a person who tends to think in black and white terms, it's nice to know that someone I have learned to trust can show me how to live a bit more in the gray zone as well as demonstrate good self-care. Thanks for giving this example!