Getting over transference/attachment

OK, my turn to open up this can of worms AGAIN.

Long story short - my T thinks it's time to end therapy, as we have no concrete issues to work through, only day to day things. I could probably deal with them on my own.
This whole statement has now triggered a mountain of emotions. Things I kind of know were always there, but I ignored them. I do kind of think my T probably wanted these emotions to come out, and knew this would trigger them. Anyway... I think I need to admit the following to her:
Therapy is a safety net for when things go wrong
I appreciate having an hour per week that's about me and my emotions
Deep down I know I have attachment issues, and they have come to the fore
I am scared of being in the world on my own
I actually just don't want to have to see her and say good bye face to face
I appreciate knowing that someone cares-sort of anyway.
If things go wrong and I hit rock bottom, I know I have someone to give me advice and tell me what to do, or at least have an objective person to pick up the beginning of episodes.

So-i think that kind of sums it up. But I don't feel comfortable telling her. So, you'd say I must print this post and give it to her, or mail it?
Not happening either. I just don't know what to do.
Hence I thought it would be easier to just tell her I'm not coming back, end all therapy now, and adapt to the change. Get onto my own 2 legs and stop acting like a patient.

((((((((sugahorse)))))))

It doesn't have to be "tell all" or "never go back"....

What if you went and told her that the idea of taking a break has brought up a lot of issues for you, and it feels hard? And that the issues feel hard to talk about? Then she would have an awareness about what you're going through, and maybe she could help you, slowly, to be able to talk about them.

When I have things that are scary or hard or embarrassing to tell my T, sometimes he will ask if I can tell him the "least hard" part. Sometimes it's something SO tiny that it seems insignificant, but it seems like once I get the "least hard" part out, it makes room for another tiny part to come out. I wonder if you told her the "least hard" part what it would be?

It's really hard to not run away when we feel too vulnerable, but working through those vulnerable feelings is really at the root of so much healing in therapy.

Be gentle with you and your feelings, sugahorse

Thanks Tree!
I texted her on Friday after the session, and the conversation was :
Suga: I think it's going to be too difficult&confusing for me taper off sessions.I think it would be easier for me to stop,&have an action plan for when it gets rocky
T: Ok. Lets discuss that at your next session with a view to it being your last? Think about it n tell me next week.
Suga: I don't know if I even want to/can come back next week. Seems a prolonged ending to a 'relationship'. Too much effort and emotions
T: I know its difficult but it is important if we do terminate to do it properly and not avoid difficult or painful emotions it triggers.

So, pretty much what you said, lol.
Not too sure how much genuine caring there is, as opposed to just being professional and ethical.
I pretty much have my life together, except -ironically- this 'termination' part

If you want to stop behaving like a patient you should go to her and tell her how you feel. This is an adult way. I know how hard is to admit that we need someone (even harder when she is suggesting to end your relationship) but try. It is enough just say you do not want to terminate right now. You do not have to tell her all. Baby steps as treehouse.
Please do not end it when you don't feel ready for it. I think it is obvious she want you to discuss it...

Ok. Thanks
(Could have almost sworn you were my T)

I had to leave my T the first time (after 9 years of therapy) kind of quickly and without much termination, etc. because I was moving too far away. I more or less shut down for the last session, we didn't really do "termination" things; I walked out into my life as you are planning.

The next 2-3 years were horrible as I was doing well and didn't feel bad but I didn't really feel anything at all, I couldn't get "into" my head like I was accustomed; I felt like "I" was going on without Me, never mind Myself

After 9 years of not seeing T, things in my life changed and I called her again and saw her again and everything was exactly the same. . . only different! It was wonderful and all the things I didn't do "right" in my first 9 years of therapy with her I was able to do right and I'm living happily ever after now.

The going back thing was one of the best things that has happened to me in my life so far. You can go back later sugahorse, and perhaps later you will have picked things up on the way. I remember too how much my T had changed; we'd get into these weird deja vu conversations from way back 10-12 years earlier, but then she would respond totally differently and things would be much better. She too had grown! Who would have thought that T's are people too and learning, growing, and changing from doing therapy with us?

Lovely story Perna! One that inspires me and I'm sure many others too
Now-to really believe and accept it...

One of my interests in therapy is just to be 'heard'. I'm not sure that if I eventually work through my issues, if my need to be heard will change. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

What you wrote about why you would still like to continue to see a therapist, I think are really really good reasons to continue. If you T doesn't think so, then maybe another T.

"I appreciate having an hour per week that's about me and my emotions
Deep down I know I have attachment issues, and they have come to the fore
I am scared of being in the world on my own
I actually just don't want to have to see her and say good bye face to face
I appreciate knowing that someone cares-sort of anyway.
If things go wrong and I hit rock bottom, I know I have someone to give me advice and tell me what to do, or at least have an objective person to pick up the beginning of episodes."

Hey Sugahorse,

I am sorry your having such a tough time *hugs* i know what its like to have to end and I find it so painful. I am possibily going to have to face it again soon and the thought of it made me cry and cry last night. I feel sad and angry at being forced to give up something I need. I have Emailed my T but I doubt I will hear back from her before my session which is next monday! I said everything I had to in the email, I am fed up pof trying to be ok with everything when I'm not. I guess part of me has decided if I am going o loose her anyway, then theres nothing else to loose by telling her the truth.

I think of you dont tell your therpist how you feel you may regret it but also if you do an it still ends you may feel very abandoned. I understand the thought process of "abandon them before they abandon me", I have thought of this many times but I can never do it, I will hold out for even an extra 5 minutes with that person rather than give them up sooner than i really have to.

I really hope you can find a way to end that is best for you *hugs*

Thank you. I do want to pull away before it seems like she's the one ending it, which I know sounds ridiculous.
Ahhhh-2 days til my session on Friday; still not sure what I want to do nor have I written a mail to tell her anything/everything.
I think I may also like the fact that she just seems so soft and caring; a welcome change from the corporate world. In general my life is quite cold/hard and I appreciate a softer element

I left my first t because she had found a new job and told me she would be leaving in 6 months and I didn't think I could handle the pain of it so I never went back after the session in which she told me she would be leaving. And then it took me a year to get over it, although I'm still not fully over it 5 years later. I know your situation is different but there is really no way round the pain of leaving someone. If you 'leave first' then it will still be as painful as going to talk to her about it. And it sounds like you still have issues you want to work on so I hope you can share them with your t and deal with those. If you don't feel ready to leave t then you're not ready. Maybe like Tree said you could tell her there are issues you want to work on but you're really struggling to talk about them. I really hope you don't pull away and stop therapy.

Thanks Splintered.
Your thinking is a lot like mine. I am worried she wants to close her private practice-in that way, I think she may not even be available for emergency type situations..
I stumble across issues every now and again, but battle to remember them and bring them to the session. Even now I wouldn't know what topics to take.
But this ides of termination has brought on a whole lot of emotions

Could you write down how you feel exactly about everything? Like just throw caution to the wind and tell her exactly what your thinking, how you have debated leaving first, how much it worries you etc? Even if it doesn't change anything you will have said everything and cannot regret holding back?

just a thought though

Very good comment. And something I've been thinking about. Even to put it in an email and send it beforehand
I'll prob go into the sessions with no emotions anyway, to try and guard myself