The other side of the Rabit Hole

Yesterday in session, I was telling my T about how emotionally I am numb right now. But this time it feels very different. He said that I went down my rabbit hole. I tend to do that!

Today at lunch I was enjoying just sitting there with the sunshine and playing a game on my iPad while listening to music. That is when something dawned on me.

As a child, we try to dig our way through the earth in hopes of comming out the other side. Children love to think about what that would look like!

My T said something - he said I had allowed my emotions to go deeper - past the anger. And I thought "Well, what is past anger?"
This time it is not a true numbing. I didn't avoid the emotions last week, I was with them fully. I don't want them again, but I was there with them while they were with me. Then it was true, I went deep into my hole. And I kept on digging and digging and falling down.

Sometimes I think Alice in Wonderland may be a fitting metaphore in these situations. I feel like I dug so deeply that I dug all the way through the earth and here I am on the other side. Perhaps standing on the ceiling in the way children imagine meeting the kids on the other side of the earth.

Either way, I am glad I allowed myself to just be with whatever all that was. Also, I have a sense I will never be the same. And maybe that is a very good thing? After all, that is why I am in therapy - because my old way of doing things wasn't working.

((((((WePow))))))

So what is on the other side of the rabbit hole, do you know? Can you name it?

No name yet - I have never been here before, so it is new to me. LOL. Naming emotions are based on having a reference. This has no reference for me yet.

Look at you!! Making all these breakthoughs?
Tell us what you find on the other side, Wepow, ok?

I wonder if it could be..... you, WePow? that sounds healing on a deep level...

wow, Wepow, just wow.....what is past anger for me, I wonder, I don't know if I have a name to put to anything like that either. except I think SAWE has a good thought.......you, a healed you, maybe peace? Not the absence of pain or of emotion, but the presence of peace and healing nonetheless.....a sort of joy or contentment, maybe a liberty? I don't know, just thinking out loud.....anyway, I am happy to see you growing so much!

Thanks for sharing that WePow.

I'd like to think there is some peace on the other side of anger.

(((All)))

I have heard that joy is the absence of pain. Because I have NEVER been without pain (even total numbness was painful - I came up with my saying "The worst pain is NOT"), well, maybe this new thing I don't understand yet is the joy everyone talked about?