[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

I was wondering if there are stages in the transference process.

In the grieving process, there are 5 stages that people
generally pass through before they can come to terms with the situation.
Well, maybe transference is like that also.

There may be certain stages of feelings that need to
be experienced before moving on to the next.

Let's say they are the same as the 5 stages of grief except the
stages begin upon realizing your feelings for your therapist.
Out of the blue.....it begins.

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression& Loneliness
5. Acceptance

I have passed through the first 4 stages .
I disclosed my feelings to my therapist at around stage 3.
We have talked about it in length.
Will I ever reach the 5th stage?
I'm just using the grief stages because they seem to fit but I would be curious to hear what others think about this idea.

[swimmergirl]

Wow that is pretty deep. Gives us a lot to think about. Thanks for sharing. I would have to say I agree except that I think the last one is loneliness because once you get to acceptance-----that is, you tell your T and hopefully they can help you through it, you realize there is a meaning to it and you use therapy to find that out, and in my case, realizing I didn't choose these feelings but that I was accepting of them and happy with the relationship I have with T(also part of accepting, not wanting more than what they can offer)---you realize at some point the relationship will end and that is heartbreaking. You have your heart professionally broken.
Had therapy today. I have struggled with this. I had told T before but told him again today how much my heart was involved. He was awesome as always. I am still very attached, in heart over head, but I am determined to put purpose into this very painful experience.
I don't know how loneliness couldn't be the last step.......knowing you will say goodbye at some point and maybe nothing else will ever measure up.

Originally Posted by swimmergirl

I don't know how loneliness couldn't be the last step.......knowing you will say goodbye at some point and maybe nothing else will ever measure up.

I just took a break from T (well, I guess technically, I'm still taking it), and I was surprised to find how much of him I had internalized. I felt really close to him when I would know how to handle a situation, or when I would find myself being gentle with myself, because those are things I learned from him. Although I am going back after the break, it gave me a taste of what it could be like when therapy is over...that it could really be okay. And that, I think, it WILL be okay.

I am VERY attached to T and I love him very much. Somehow those feelings remain, even when he is not physically with me. And my deep connection with T has led me to want to connect with others while I've been on this break. Of course, the connection will never be the same, but my connection with T has opened my eyes to the connections that ARE available to me outside of his office.

So, for me, I really DO think that last stage is acceptance, and not loneliness. I think we can get there.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

The last step would be Acceptance.

This would be the step that brings a peaceful resolution
to all the feelings of longing and unrequited love
that was so tormenting during the process.

Loneliness should no longer exist at this point.
There would be healing on some deep level due to the work of transference.

This would be the light at the end of the tunnel that I am seeking.

This process must be a good thing because it has caused so many good changes in me and therefore my life.

I refuse to believe that the price for those gifts of change would be to leave me so tormented on a deeper level.

[lastyearisblank]

I really really like the idea of using grief stages! Thank you for this, I was just going to google them as I have been going through a breakup and in my own feelings and my ex's as he emails me I can definitely see the changes.

However, deep down isn't transference or any opportunity to love someone a good thing? Is it so painful that one can compare it to grief? Maybe there are different stages in going through an unrequiteable crush/ love...

[Perna]

I think transference works entirely differently from grief, has different sorts of stages:

http://www.discover-your-mind.co.uk/1c-transference.htm

[seventyeight]

i think transference IS grief (although i've never thought about it that way before now). it's grieving something that will never be. in realizing the limitations of the relationship - that your therapist will never be your mother, your friend, your lover - it's a loss, a "death" if you will. i think it's normal that one would go through the stages of grief in dealing with this realization. interesting idea, tmd. thanks for sharing.

[rainbow8]

I agree with 78 and TMD. Transference is about grieving for whom our T can't be. Most of my years of therapy have been spent wishing my T were someone else who could meet all of my needs. It's been very painful to accept that a T can't be that person(s). I've done a lot of grieving for that reason.

[swimmergirl]

I get the part about grieving what your T will never be. But what about grieving what your T is.................. that is, when you have to end? I am faced with the possibility of doing that much sooner than I expected. My T is, has been, wonderful. I "just barely got" to the point that I am opening up, holding nothing back, trusting, etc. and because of circumstances I don't want to get into I may be done in 6 to 8 weeks. It is not my T's doing, just circumstances. I might be able to work again with him in 8 weeks, after that, whoo hooo. I am in the middle of being at the place of the most vulnerable right now and I'm sure I won't be done in 6 to 8 weeks. I am still trying to figure out how to get those feelings from myself, is that even possible? Someone earlier on this forum posted that transference for them was "about the way they feel about themselves when they were with T". Is it possible to have that feeling, that powerful, on your own? I am not willing to work with someone else and start the process over. Not feeling too great right now.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

However, deep down isn't transference or any opportunity to love someone a good thing? Is it so painful that one can compare it to grief? .

Thank you for your thoughtful response lastyear.

I like to think that I love my therapist, but from what I understand, true love is a selfless thing.
I must admit that the feelings I have for him are very selfish and self serving.
So I don't think transference is as simple as an opportunity to love someone.
It is far more complicated than loving someone in the typical sense.

It feels very much like grief to me.
I believe that is because I am grieving that which I never received.
An unmet need that insists on being fulfilled.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

[quote=Perna;1796037]I think transference works entirely differently from grief, has different sorts of stages:/quote]

Perna,
Thank you for the link.
(because I only have 3 posts I was not allowed to repost the link)
I am trying to understand this strange limbo called transference.
This gives me another perspective as I grapple with the whole thing.