[seventyeight]

i just typed this whole long post, and then lost it. i tried to recover it, but couldn't; then tried typing it all again, but don't have the energy.

i was posting because i need help with something (and yes, it's related to therapy), but basically i'm just so so so so so sad. i thought it'd be a good idea to still try to reach out to pc anyway. i can't stop crying.

thanks for reading.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I'm so sorry you lost the post you type! I know that is very frustrating!

I'm sorry you're dealing with difficult emotions.

[seventyeight]

thank you, it is frustrating to lose a post. i'm going to try typing it again, maybe in pieces this time. and thanks for the hugs.

[Splintered]

Sorry you lost your post Maybe you could write it in a word document and cut and paste it here?

[seventyeight]

part i:

i have an excellent therapist, with almost 30 years experience, and i've been working with her for 2+ years now. during that time, she's disclosed only a handful of things about herself - and usually only after i've asked her directly. it's been something as simple as what her favorite color is, to something a little more personal like why she became a therapist. she's very private and it's taken a lot of work on my part to get used to that. i know the point of my (or any) therapy isn't to know all about your therapist, but i'm just providing a little background info.

[rainbow8]

I've lost posts on PC lately too. I hate when that happens!!! Please write again when you can. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now about your T and wanting to know more about her, if that's the issue. Or did she tell you something sad? Lots of

[seventyeight]

part ii:

every year in may, my therapist takes a week off for vacation (at least, she has the past two years). this year, i had a funny feeling about it (i'm fairly intuitive), and a few weeks ago, i worked up the nerve to say something to her. i told her i had a feeling this wasn't a vacation, and that i thought she had something personal going on. she asked what this meant to me and why i wanted to tell her (as she does with anything i approach her about that's related to her) and then she later confirmed that i was in fact correct. she said that she was ok, but that there was something going on with a family member of hers - which i had also guessed. i thanked her for telling me, and she said that it was important (for her) to honor and encourage the part of me that's intuitive.

[WikidPissah]

(((78)))

[seventyeight]

part iii:

not only was yesterday our "goodbye" session before her leave, but it was also a pivotal one for me in that i shared the last little bit of myself that she didn't yet know. now there's officially nothing she doesn't know about me. it's an interesting place to be in my therapy, and i'm not sure what to make of it. when we were hugging goodbye yesterday, she thanked me for "trusting in our relationship" enough to tell her (i think she said that twice) and she was very sweet about it.

just prior to this however (when we were still sitting), she reminded me she'd be out next week. she kind of gave me the standard "i'll be gone from this date to this date, but will be checking voicemail" type of thing, as i'm sure she said to all of her clients. i was sitting there thinking "um, did you forget that we talked about this before and that i know why you're going to be away?" but i just sort of brushed it off, as that's kind of the way she is. then i said, "well, i know you don't need it, but you have my support" and later, "i'll be thinking about you." she didn't really acknowledge either statement. for some reason, then i asked if she'd be driving (i guess i just sort of blurted it out), and she told me that she was.

[seventyeight]

part iv:

my partner and i happened to get into a big fight last night. i was already worn out from the therapy session, so i really didn't have the mental energy to deal with it. i decided to walk the two miles home from where we were, in order to clear my head and cool off. a few blocks into the walk though, i started feeling overwhelmed with emotion and i decided to give my therapist a call. it didn't take her too long to call me back, but the whole time i was wondering if she was on the phone with my partner - we share the same therapist (as if this story isn't complicated enough).

when we talked, she seemed kind of blah. she listened to what i had to say, made a few comments, but she didn't seem all that into it. then she mentioned something about my insurance (something she had taken care of earlier in the day) that she needed to tell me. she added that she'd be on the road tomorrow (today), but that she'd be checking her voicemail - partially to stay on top of the insurance thing, and partially if i (or any of her other clients, i'm sure) needed to call. since she mentioned it, i said, "drive safe" and then a few seconds later, "take care." she didn't really acknowledge either thing, which is hurtful as "take care" has always been the thing that we almost always say to each other (at the end of phone calls and sessions). it's like an extra nice way of saying goodbye, and i've come to sort of "count" on it.

[seventyeight]

part v:

this morning, my therapist sent me an email (to my old address, so that means she didn't bother putting my new one into her contacts) related to the insurance, and it's literally one sentence. she didn't address me by name, or even sign it herself. this is unusual, but i'm thinking maybe she was in a hurry.

it's really hard for me not to go to this place of doubting the relationship or of all the work we've done when i get feeling like this. it's the culmination of (i think) a lot of small things that leave me feeling really sad about it all. and i don't want to call her as i know i'll be really disappointed in myself for not giving her the space/time to go deal with her family matter.

to top it off, my partner and i still aren't getting along. i feel like almost all of my support system is now broken down, and it's just not a good place to be in.

thanks for listening (and for all of the hugs), i really appreciate it.

[BlessedRhiannon]

It sounds like you're struggling with some tough things right now, and I know how hard that is!

Just a little outside perspective...your T's perceived distance on the call may have had absolutely nothing to do with you...she may have just been busy or distracted with getting ready to travel.

In regards to the email - my T did the same thing to me not too long ago...it occurred to me that maybe she had just grabbed my file and looked up my email address on that, and it still had my old email. Or maybe she grabbed an old email to reply to rather than a new one. Something similar could have happened with your T. It may not have been intentional, just that she was in a hurry.

I hope you and your partner can resolve things. You know that you have a support system here on PC at the very least!

[SpiritRunner]

I am sorry you have so much going on and have a break with T to deal with too. (((((((((((78)))))))))))))

[zooropa]

((((((((seventyeight)))))))))

[rainbow8]

78--I can understand your disappointment with the way your T talked to you on the phone before she left and in her email to you. If you are used to something from your T, and then she deviates from what you expect, it hurts. I would feel the same way. I would obsess over why she didn't say "take care" or acknowlege my words. It would bother me a lot.

But, you already know she's not going on a pleasure trip, so I think she was preoccupied with all of that, and not purposely treating you poorly. In a perfect therapy world, our Ts would never disappoint us, and would never let their personal life interfere with our needs. Like when my T told me one of the reasons she won't answer all of my emails is that she's tired at night. What can I say? I don't care. I come first? No.

I know that looking at it logically doesn't always help because our feelings are still what they are. I hope that you can distract yourself from thinking too much about your T while she is gone. I hope you and your partner can work things out soon, too.