I think this is Transference. And Im SO confused about what to do! Help!

It may be a little confusing. I just litteraly found out about transference not even a week ago!!
Here is my story. I believe I have transference and want to know what to do about it. I got some info from another site about overstepping boundaries so I was concerned about that as well. I have never had a real mother figure so I believe thats why Im experiencing transference. Although I've has experienced it before with a few teachers. Sorry its so long.

I've been with my therapist for almost 12 years, since I was 12. I've always had transference with other people, like teachers but never really noticed it with my therapist. I'm sure it was there but it wasn't as noticeable.
Lately, it's been so strong! I didn't even know what transference was until a few days ago! But now I realize I definitely am experiencing it. And I don't know what to do about it. I believe its called parental or maternal transference.

Like a lot of articles I read from some people, I am afraid my therapist will abandon me. It took me a year to actually open up and talk to her. Not to mention when she moved offices, we had to start all over again as I wouldn't speak to her for months. I don't like change.

My mom was never around and isn't the caring type. She's said "I love you" to me so few times I can count them on one hand! I've always wanted a kind, caring mom, someone who I could talk to without being screamed and sworn at for no reason every day.

My therapist is amazing! She doesn't cross any boundaries that I know of. I'm sure of that! She's kind and caring. I really feel that she does care for me and that it's not just the transference.

When I didn't have money to go to therapy, she let me go for months and months, free of charge! She's laid back, too. She will let me sit in her chair at her desk while she sits in the patient chair.

We don't meet at restaurants or anything. We meet at her office. But she does take me out places during our session. Like a quick run to dunkin donuts or an ice cream shop or my favorite place, the local animal shelter. And she has paid for me as well. Sometimes I will pay for myself and her or just myself but she has paid more times for me.

Lately, I'm getting really scared of telling her about this transference issue as I'm in a really bad place with my depression right now. And she thought I wasn't listening to her and taking her advice to help my depression. She said I wasn't making progress and said that if I wanted to see another therapist I had her permission. (She felt she needed to give her permission because I had seen her for so long and how she has done so, so much for me.) And she is right, I would need her permission, in my mind, to see someone else besides her.

But it's not an option to change my therapist. I would be so hurt beyond belief. When she suggested a different therapist, I thought she was abandoning me, (remember the whole not doing good with change thing) giving up on me, didn't care and didn't want to see me anymore. Those feelings led me to self-injure and I ended up with stitches from it for the very first time.

We have talked it out and all is fine now. She said something weird, though. She said that maybe she was "too close" to see my progress. But she can see that I am making or trying to make progress.

Do you think that when she said she was "too close" it meant she is too involved and cares too much for me to see how I am helping myself and listening to her and not just not helping myself?

I don't think she is overstepping any boundaries. And if she is, well, I really don't care. I want to have her in my life forever. She is like a role model/mom to me. Like I sometimes imagine that she is my mom and how life would be so much easier. It would be like those mothers on tv shows who actually care about their children.

I think I have transference because of my mother and how she wasn't there for me ever, even now. But NO way does my therapist remind me of my mother. I'm just afraid and embarrassed to lose her, if I decide to tell her what Im feeling. I don't want things to change.
And the transference isn't a crush or anything like that. Im completely straight. Like I said, shes like a mother figure and I have never had one of those before. I kinda wish she was my mom. LOL

Does she legit care about me or is it just therapy? Or what about counter transference? Like, she even said if she won the lottery ,she would buy me a condo and pay for it for a year, so that I would be able to get out of my abusive household.

Thanks for any feedback! This is my first time posting as well.

Hey KaylaNicole,
Yeah, it does sound like she cares about you a lot, after 12 years, I would say there is definitely an actual relationship running along side by side with the therapy. It can be really hard to untangle what we are feeling in therapy, if it's really about the therapist or about something in the past that we needed to get but didn't.

Maybe it's time to talk about all these issues with her. You laid them out really clearly here and from what she said maybe she is able to talk about them too.

It sounds like your T does care about you. If you have been together for 12 years then you must be a good 'fit'.
I think you should talk about the transference - explain how you feel about everything as you have in your post here. If there is countertransference, well, then so be it!

I think she does legitimately care about you and I also agree with LYIB. You should directly talk with her about this issues.

Hi there!

I think she really does care about you. After 12 years together..................wow. I agree with everyone else. You need to open up and pour your heart out to her. You may be surprised to find out she already knows. Be sure to explain to her that you feel very very vulnerable right now(remind her of the self-injury) and that you are worried she will abandon you/make you find someone else. I would bet money that she won't. By telling her your feelings, you put yourself in a position of allowing her to help you heal that part of yourself which is a very painful process. By telling her your feelings, you are showing you are ready to move forward. It is very tough, however, it sounds like you wouldn't want anyone else to help you down that path anyway. You will probably always have motherly feelings towards her, but she can help you come to terms with it. Hang in there!

Your T cares very deeply for you. I feel that she probably has transference herself and feels like you are HER child!

Thank you all for your answers!! I feel she does care for me as well, in a more than just a therapy relationship way but Im so confused still. And what if she does, like I don't think it could change anything.
I know I should talk about it with her but Im not ready yet. Hopefully one day...