[Waitfornot]

Has anyone asked their T why they do what they do? Do you get an actual answer that satisfies you?
I asked my T why she does what she does. She turns it back on me and says how would it help me to know that answer. She says until I can talk more about how it would help me then she will not talk to me about why she does what she does. I don't know why I want to ask this. It is a question that has taken me 2 years to get up the courage to ask. So she asks why now is it being asked.
I get so frustrated when I ask any question because it always goes in circles like this. I don't know why I feel the need to ask the question. I only know that it is a question that has remained in my thoughts heavily so maybe it should be voiced. Maybe if she answered then I could talk about my reaction to the answer.
Can anyone help me formulate some idea as to why I would ask this question?

[bounceback]

I can think of a few reasons why you might have asked that question. One is because maybe you want to know that she is in the helping field for the right reasons, that she generally cares about her clients and enjoys helping them rather than just thinking you are just a job to her. Another reason could be that maybe you are just curious why she chose to go into the helping field. You might also think because you share so much with T and you don't know much about her/him asking the question might become a way of knowing her/him better and maybe getting closer to her/him. I haven't really asked that question to my current T, but usually most people gravitate toward the helping field because they generally like helping people. Sometimes even they have a history like we do, so that draws them into the field also. I hoped this helped somewhat.

[doogie]

I've asked, and basically she said that people stepped up to help her in the past, and she wants to be that person for others. Yes, I think knowing they are in the field for the right motivations makes a big difference.

Geesh, that's really closed off of your T to not answer a basic question like that. Hmph. Most people enjoy being asked that question so they can talk about why they chose their career! My T makes it well known why she chose to be a T. Maybe you want to know her motivations, maybe its just because this is something that practically everyone in the WORLD talks about and makes common knowledge and there is no harm in just asking, maybe you want to make sure she is doing this because she cares about people and genuinely wants to be there doing her job.

[dizgirl2011]

I wish I knew but my therapist hardly ever self discloses so if I asked her she would most likely do what your therapist did and not really answer but turn it into a question about me and why I wanted to know. Or she might just say that me asking is "crossing a boundary"

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Waitfornot

Has anyone asked their T why they do what they do? Do you get an actual answer that satisfies you?

Yes. I do know why my T chose his profession.

I can't see why your T would be so secretive about this. Professional questions like this--the therapist's qualifications, skills, training, credentials, etc.--are not crossing boundaries. I think your T is being unnecessarily secretive and protective. Is she ashamed of the reason why she chose to be a therapist? It's strange she won't answer!

Originally Posted by Waitfornot

She says until I can talk more about how it would help me then she will not talk to me about why she does what she does.

How about "I am interested and curious."

I think Ts need to be careful about how they answer questions like this, as I think being too closed and secretive can harm the relationship. JMO. It's not like you asked her address or the names of her children or if she ever had a drug abuse problem. Your question is very reasonable and related to her practice and profession. Sheeesh! At my second or third question, my T invited me to ask him questions like this. It helps build the relationship and client confidence if the T talks about his/her training and approach with the client. It seems amazing your T would not know that.

[swimmergirl]

Don't you love when you ask your T a question and they turn it back around on you? I would imagine that you are just looking for reassurance that your T is there for the right reasons and cares about helping you. You could ask here that. Of course, the answer would be, "Why do you care what I think?" or some other nonsense. I asked my T this question and he said, "What would happen if I didn't answer it?". I said, "Well I guess you wouldn't answer it". He thought and then said he wouldn't answer it right then. I have no idea why but I do know he cares and is genuine. My opinion is that this question IS within your RIGHT TO KNOW. However, most Ts are more apt to answer it in the beginning or end of therapy, at least that's my understanding. Mine probably will never answer it either. Hope this helps.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I asked a long time ago; my T said this work is her passion. I didn't need to hear a whole story of "why"; it's so plain that she doesn't do it just for money, I guess I feel it was a satisfying answer.

This sounds frustrating. I agree with sunshine that it's important for Ts not to seem witholding just for the sake of it. I do think this is something she could answer. My last T would respond to anything I asked with 'why is it important for you to know?' Once, famously, she said that when I asked her what the time was! My current T will tell me the answer to any question I ask about her/her life. But I feel that unless your T is very psycho-analytic and is deliberately being a 'blank slate'- and has made sure that you understand this as a treatment strategy- then this is a reasonable question for most Ts to answer...

[Waitfornot]

I am grateful for each and every answer. I did not feel that I was being unreasonable in asking this question. You all have reassured me that it wasn't. Thank you so much for that. I asked if she would have answered it if I would have asked in our first few sessions. She said that she saw no relevance. Questions that are asked are fees, session length, insurance and such, but not things like this.
I say I give up when she starts doing her circling dance around my question. I feel that she is not helping with my fear of asking people questions by constantly doing this dance.

Thanks to all.

[with or without you]

When I asked, T smiled and said she just really loved psychology. LOL nice lame answer, T.

[lily99]

I've wanted to ask, but haven't yet. I guess I feel like it could be quite a personal question, in that many Ts do this work due to their own past traumas? I'd feel like I might be prying a bit. I'm still gonna ask though

[peridot28]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry your T responds to you in that way. I think answering your questions with a question must be really frusrating for you.

I think I must have one of the most open and caring T's on the planet, because she is always willing to share things about herself with me. I love when she self-discloses, because I feel like she trusts me by sharing it with me and she's also allowing me to build trust in her in that I then know she understands and can relate to some of my circumstances via her own experiences.

To answer your question, I didn't ask her, she shared it with me when I first started seeing her. I was telling her how ashamed I am of having been molested and how hard and embarrassing it is to talk about. She immediately started telling me how committed she is to helping me. She said she feels honored that we (her clients) chose her and also honored that God uses her to help us. She started crying and said that she knew since junior high school that this is what she wanted to do. I cried and told her thank you. My T is awesome and is always open and willing to share and relate things from her personal life that she feels will help me get a better understanding of something I'm going through.

I really hope your T decides to share why she chose to be a therapist with you. It feels great to hear why your T chose to be a T.

[ljp1979]

My T answered it without me asking, it was just a part of his response on something different. He said he loves being T because his job empowers people. Which is so true - therapy changed my life for sure

[anilam]

Peridot if my T started to cry during session that would be it. Just shows that everybody needs a different T.

Back to thread- Ive asked him- he started working with street kids, thought he could help them more by being T, specialised in addiction, work with addicts but felt frustrated, became "normal" T. I ask him all kinds of Q especially when I don't want to talk about myself. He answers them most of the time but never forgets to mentioned why I ask.
There are no forbidden Q in therapy. Ts can choose what they answer.

I think it is important you tell your T you do not appreciate her doing her circling dance around your Q. Especially if you fear asking.

[Perna]

I like that your T reflected the question back on what you would gain from the answer? I would have a hard time coming up with an answer for why I asked a personal motivation question like that other than wishing I could be like my T or understood motivation better. I like connecting up why I ask/wonder/think certain things at a particular moment too (yes, I'm weird that way :-) What were you all talking about or what was your line of thinking that you "suddenly" asked that?

It can hurt when people don't answer our questions and I sometimes felt a bit ashamed I had asked them when T sent them back at me rather than answering (or when she just sat and stared at me a moment, thinking of how she wanted to respond :-) like I had done something wrong, but concentrating on how T responded, and her "words" rather than what I felt or thought I wanted at the moment got to be much more useful to me than any actual answer to the question. Think of it exactly like it was a school with a "teacher" instead of the one-on-one relationship it is. T isn't trying to be "cold" or "mean" but is trying to help. It would probably be easier for her to reply to the question, throw off something about "love helping people" but that wouldn't have the potential to move you forward in your own life, which is what you are paying her for.

[Waitfornot]

PC is such an awesome place. I am glad that I found this forum as all of you have added so much to my therapy by reassuring me that my thoughts are thoughts of others also. I felt so alone in all the struggles in was/am having. Thanks to all.

Sometimes when I ask a question, I don't know what I will gain but my gut instinct tells me that there is definitely something to be gained from her actually giving me an answer without struggling to get an answer put of her. From the answers I have seen here, I feel that maybe more trust and a stronger sense of closeness may be obtained from her sharing. I have been struggling with her lately and that is probably why now is the time the question has finally been asked because I am questioning sincerity. I am too scared to tell her that though since I already feel she is trying to terminate me. I hate to possibly offend people.

[peridot28]

Originally Posted by anilam

Peridot if my T started to cry during session that would be it. Just shows that everybody needs a different T.

It didn't bother me at all. It's just like you say, everyone has a different way of relating to things. To me, it made me feel closer to her. It wasn't scary or anything. It's not like she was crying because she was sad or upset. She cried because she was deeply touched and was expressing how much her work means to her and how much we mean to her, as well.

[PTSDlovemycats]

My T said she originally wanted to be a Pediatrician and then changed her mind...

[Waitfornot]

So I asked T yet again today to answer my question about asking why chose to be a T. Nope no answer still. Said we should talk about what I feel I would gain from an answer. I said I have felt very disconnected and feel like a number sign to her and hope an answer would help me feel connected. She said let's talk about the disconnect. Said she would think about answering but wants to talk about it all first. I asked on a scale of 1 to 10 what chance do I ever have of getting an answer. Said talk about it. I said I have been told by about a dozen other people that their T has answered this question. She said in 20 years she has never been asked this.

I feel her not answering is helping me to disconnect from the attachment I had for her. So on one hand I am grateful but on the other hand I know this is not the best thing for me.

I told her that asking questions of people in the first place is very hard so asking her a question was monumental for me. I then said she is reinforcing to me why not to ask questions of people and to just speculate about what their answer may be.

I feel like I am being an unreasonable person. Maybe I am not a good client.

[lastyearisblank]

Just hazarding a guess... maybe if it is that big of an issue for her to answer, perhaps she is embarrassed to answer. Otherwise, maybe she is trying to be a blank screen and get you to tell her what you feel about being in therapy.

You are not a bad patient, no way.

Originally Posted by Waitfornot

So I asked T yet again today to answer my question about asking why chose to be a T. Nope no answer still. Said we should talk about what I feel I would gain from an answer. I said I have felt very disconnected and feel like a number sign to her and hope an answer would help me feel connected. She said let's talk about the disconnect. Said she would think about answering but wants to talk about it all first. I asked on a scale of 1 to 10 what chance do I ever have of getting an answer. Said talk about it. I said I have been told by about a dozen other people that their T has answered this question. She said in 20 years she has never been asked this.

I feel her not answering is helping me to disconnect from the attachment I had for her. So on one hand I am grateful but on the other hand I know this is not the best thing for me.

I told her that asking questions of people in the first place is very hard so asking her a question was monumental for me. I then said she is reinforcing to me why not to ask questions of people and to just speculate about what their answer may be.

I feel like I am being an unreasonable person. Maybe I am not a good client.

[karebear1]

I don't think you're a bad patient or being unreasonable either. IMaybe you should ask your T what she gains by not answering you genuinely normal, curious question.

I ask my T all kinds of stuff and she has never refused to give me an answer. She's been open and honest and connecting with me. If she reponded like your T is now I'd be so frustrated. I'd feel like she is being really disrespectful of me and, like you said, treating me like I'm just a number. I'm sorry she's being so frustrating about this.

[HalfSwede]

I don't see anything wrong with asking that question. I think you're pretty brave to do it directly like that; I don't know that I ever have. You might tell her it's important because you want to know whether she's into her job. I had one T tell me pretty bluntly that he wasn't all that into his job.

It's just seems like she's imposing a certain distance between the two of you by not answering the question. Perhaps there's some school of thought behind this that I'm not aware of.

[(JD)]

There are questions that one should ask their prospective therapist, and this is one of them. Certainly, if they are guiding you in psychotherapy already, you can ask! This is not one where you will cross any boundary in asking, nor they in answering.

[WikidPissah]

I have never asked but T has told me several times "I do this because I want to, I like helping people."