My mean uncaring uncompassionate T :'(

I'm sorry you're hurting so much It must feel devastating to have opened your heart and made yourself so vulnerable only to find that she can't respond in the way that you need. Especially when you have such a history with her. I'm so sorry. I really want to say that this doesn't mean anything about you or your experiences. It means something about her therapeutic orientation, or something she's experiencing at the moment.

I am wondering whether this could just be really really bad timing? I told my T the hugest thing a few weeks ago, and she responded in a completely unattuned way. It was shocking, especially because she's attuned 99.9% of the time. I actually wondered whether she'd sustained some kind of head injury prior to my session. We 'fixed' it a couple of weeks later. Turns out she'd had other priorities/concerns for the session that day, and wasn't really hearing me. It was bad timing. It wasn't her reaction to what I'd told her, because she hadn't even really heard what I'd told her.

I disagree with your T that we shouldn't care what others think of us. And T isn't a random person, she's T. As children, we form our sense of ourselves on the basis of the feedback we receive. So if our parents treat us as if we are loveable, smart, funny etc. then that's how we think of ourselves. Feedback is vital, and I think we should be able to rely on Ts for honest feedback about ourselves. And it seems like you're asking for feedback about your experiences, not even about yourself as a person, which is even more vital.

I don't even know why I posted that last night....it was such a useless meaningless post. oh well...I was pretty tired and overwhelmed.

SaraMichelle - lol, no I don't live in the Dallas area. I have a lot of fears and reservations about finding another T, but I want to make sure I do everything possible to work this out first. It is something that I have in the back of my mind as an option, though.

Learning - I'm not sure I was paraphrasing. Although now that I think about it, I don't think she would have used the word 'shouldn't' - since she's CBT. She has said that several times, and remember her specific words on at least 1 occasion: "I don't understand why you care so much about what other people think." She said she wants me to get better from the inside out, and be strong enough to not let others' opinions effect me so much. But the fact is, I DO care, and whether or not she understands it, that's where I am, and no amount of her wishing it away will take it away.

Sunrise - you are exactly right, I have a HUGE amount of uncertainty. I do plan on talking to her very candidly about everything I am writing here, and all the feedback people are giving me is really helpful. A big problem is, I have major trust issues, and I'm afraid the things she are saying are to manipulate me, or tricck me, or appease me, etc. So I don't always beleive her. i gues that is somewhat contradictory to my need for her reassurance and validation. Or maybe not, because I need to hear her say things over and over again, like maybe I'm trying to catch inconsistencies in her story, to detect if she's lying?

Improving - yes, it COULD just be very very bad timing. That's part of what has me so confused. The switch betwen how she was before disclosing the trauma stuff, to how she is now, is confusing and startling, and that's what makes me thing it's ME, not her. BUT, everything I wrote in the first post of this thread was absolutley true, and I tried to write it in a neutral way because I wanted honest opinions and reactions (until I messed up and typed in the ridiculous thread title, which I regret and wish I could change.)

I dread the thought that this is the beginning of the end. The suggestion that she has taken me as far as she can, and that I might need to move on to a new T, is terrifying. Treehouse, you are right that I wouldn't be starting ALL over (and thanks for your encouragemennt about how hard I'm working and trying) - but trust is a huge issue for me and I think that is part of the big sticking point in this situation with my current T. I think if I can get this resolved with her, it would be a really big step for me, and if I had to start building trust with a new T, it would be a really big setback.

I also want to say that I feel bad for not being supportive to everyone here right now, but I am really grateful for everyone's help. It is really helping me get some clarity about all of this.

Yes this is unfair. She is the one with the cognitive distortion; she is making a "should" out of nothing. You have a right to ask for reassurance or validation about basic stuff... like the fact she will not reject you!

I am very sorry you are in this situation. I hope you guys can talk it thru and salvage the therapy.

Just read the second post and this: makes a lot of sense as well

Maybe it is totally inevitable to have trust issues in a situation where, the other person is being veeeery very indirect and not saying what they really think. If sunrise is right and she is trying to force your hand in some way then obviously the wires of communication are crossed. And that is not something YOU did. That is why I agree it is good to go and try and get it all out on the table. All you can do is be honest, hopefully she will return the favor!

Wow hun, I wish I could give you a MASSIVE HUG!!!

That sounds like an awful session and very upsetting!! I can see why you feel the way you do about it!
It seemed like she was being cold and removed during that session. It's possible she was in a bad mood and taking it out on you (even though thats not what any T should do!).

You don't have to "get over" anything to suit someone else and I believe some things in life you can't "get over" you just learn to cope with the pain of it better!
I think if you revealed SA (safe hugs) to her in recent sessions that she should have be a lot more supportive! I do worry that a CBT therapist isn't the best type of therapist for dealing with Trauma or post traumatic stress etc.

When I read your post I thought, she must not have been seeing this therapist long if they reacted this way, so to know you have been seeing her for 2 years and for her to be saying "why do you care what I think, your free to find another therapist, why are do you continue coming if it's not helping and that your choosing not to "get over" something as traumatic as SA" is astonishing for someone who should have built a relationship with you!

As you have said it's possible she's doing some tough love to push you further but really I think she was too harsh on you completely.

I have a lovely T but recently she said things, some of which were a bit like what yours said and it was very hurtful, yet the next week she reacted like everything was fine....so I do think sometimes they get ideas into their heads like "she's too dependant, i better try and remove myself form the situation" and then they come into a session and scare the life out of us because they go from being supportive to distant...but then they usually return to normal the following week!!

I am glad to hear you are writing down how you feel about the session and are going to confront her with it and I relly hope it goes well as I can imagine your hurting a lot and worried about everything at the moment!

xxxxxxx

You know when I think about the experience with my therapist, and how he normalizes everything and never ever makes me feel like a freak or a loser for the way I am, or what's happened to me - I can't help but feel very sad for you and your experience.

To me therapy should be about healing and not about pathologizing behavior.

I hope you take care of yourself.

I used to go to CBT T for CSA and did NOT like it. My personal opinion is that CBT is good for OCD , general depression and things like that.
It actually made me worse. I felt like a failure for even taking it hard (my T used to tell me that sex with children is normal for human race and is still practice in Africa and the children grow up just fine)
Every client needs special care if she is rigid in her therapeutic ways and not willing to change them for you. I would take her up on the offer and find an other T.

WHAT!!!! oh my god!I am so shocked and sorry to hear you were subjected to abuse again through your therapist - mental abuse that is! This person should not be a therapist!! I would be worried that this T is either an abuser or has been abused themselves and is trying to justify it to themselves!! That is outrageous! Next she would have been telling you that really it was your fault and that the abuser did you a favour!! It is proven that children who are subjected to sexual abuse (and other forms of abuse) grow up with psychological problems the majority of the time!
In Africia it may be an accepted practice but who says that is correct? At one period in times black individuals were seen as a lower being than whites, hilter killed thousands, women who fell pregnant out of wedlock were sent to laundaries and abused - these were "accepted" practices at that period of time but they were all still very, very wrong! Children do not have the full knowledge, maturity and understanding to make a completely informed decison around sexual interactions and are forced into it - even if it is the accepted way in Africa!

Wow this is one of the worst things I have heard that a T said to a client, I am so glad you are no longer with them!

Wow anilam that is blaming the victim and IMO very racist to boot. GLAD you are away from that woman.

anilam that is horrible, what your therapist told you.

My therapist is mostly CBT and he is wonderful with CSA and other trauma. He's very, very compassionate and caring and understanding. Ugh. I hate that there are awful therapists out there.

I agree with everything that Lastyearisblank and Sunrise have to say, I am sorry you had sucj a horrible session. ((((((HUGS))))))

This is both repugnant and mentally insane to say the least.

I hope this "person" isn't harming anyone else anymore.

Your pain and confusion really comes through in your initial post. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I had a CBT therapist between 2002 and 2005 who helped a lot. At one point she said she couldn't see me anymore unless I got a medication evaluation at a psychiatrist and that she would set it up for me. I was very against meds at that point and was crying through most of my sessions and very down. I begrudging went but felt kind of manipulated and bossed around.

I have to say, it saved my life. Getting on the meds was like flipping a switch that turned the lights on--it was night and day. I had never felt what NORMAL felt like before I got the right medication. We continued therapy and successfully concluded it. Meds helped the therapy go better, not worse.

I wonder if in your depression you are seeing her as mean when really she sees that you are farther down than you realize and you need more than CBT. I know the times in my life that I have been suicidal, I viewed the people trying to help me as 'mean'. I look back now and see they were trying to help me.

Just a thought. I could be wrong. Hospitalization isn't always bad. I know someone personally who had ECT for severe depression and swears it saved her life.

Good luck and hang in there!

This T needs treatment!

You write that you don't trust this T. Why would building trust with a new T be a big setback?

I have seen many people here change T's and it worked out really, really well - they finally got what they needed. My last T was the absolute best and this is why he was the last one I ever needed.

Good luck ...........

Well, I think that expecting you not to care what your t thinks about abuse experiences is ridiculous. I agree with what Improving said.

Darkrunner I read this thread and was thinking of you. I just want to say I think I've changed my opinion. Perhaps this therapy might be salvageable. She is being very very harsh and pushy (almost theatrically so, her reactions in the OP almost feel flamboyant to me). That approach does work for some people but the core of it needs to be: "I know my T is doing it for me." But THAT is the part that just seems to me like it is missing right now.

Thanks you guys.
Geez - it feels so good just to have someone understand me about all of this, and give me their opinions, and listen and care about what I'm saying, and I can't help but think......why didn't my T do that for me?
It makes such a huge difference.

I am so anxious for monday to get here, so I can see T again. But at the same time I am dreading it.

Dizgirl - sorry to hear that your T got 'tough' with you too, but I'm glad to hear things went better the next week. She never really said 'get over it' - but that's how I interpreted her words. And I do take into consideration the fact that I am perceiving her words through a lens of mis-trust, fear and depression.

EllieMay, I understand what you're saying and I agree. I guess what I'm not so sure about is if it is what she is saying and doing, or if it is how I'm interpreting it. I guess not only do I have issues trusting other people, but I also have issues trusting myself! And many times before she has reassured me that I am not a freak or a crazy person, but for some reason this time was different. It confuses me.

Anilam, That really is a horrible thing to say, for anyone to say, but especially a T. Scary. I hope you are with a good T now?

Pgrundy, thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are right, that my depression and anxiety could be affecting the way I am taking her comments. I shouldn't have said she was mean. But looking back, some of her comments about finding a new T did seem kind of mean. I don't think she meant them to be that way. <sigh> I'm really very confused about all of it. I guess it is kind of humerous in a way, I don't trust myself, I don't completely trust her, so I don't have anyway of knowing what she meant by what she said!

Well, Sannah, that's a good question and a really good point. It made me think. I guess I do trust my T to a certain extent. I've been with her for 2 years and I finally disclosed some really painful stuff. There were some external factors that made me feel a little more comfortable in doing so, but it still felt really risky. Of course, you can't ever know if you can trust someone until you take the risk, and their reaction confirms whether or not they are trustworthy. I have been betrayed THREE TIMES by people who were supposed to be 'helping' me. That makes it really tricky to trust someone else enough to be able to get help. My T hasn't betrayed me (yet), and time will tell about that. But all of her behavior that I've talked about in this thread is very scary to me, and concerning. I thought I knew what I was doing, and now I'm not so sure.
To be honest, I'm really really not sure I would be able to go to another T. I'm not sure I have it in me. That's the way I feel right now, anyway.

Learning - thanks for saying that, , and
Lastyearisblank, I really appreciate your coming back and telling me your new thoughts. It gives me a little bit of hope. I want more than anything to get this worked out with her.

In fact, everyone on this thread has been so kind and supportive of ME, and not bashing my T (which would be understandable given how I described her), but just giving me honest feedback and opinions, and hugs and support. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

How are you doing now?

I talked to my T about this last night. I went in there all ready to let her have it, but when I sat down I kind of wavered in my determination and was considering just letting it all go. But then after she asked me how my week was and how I was feeling, she asked me if I wanted to continue the conversation last week about how she was 'uncompassionate.' (Yeah, now that I think of it, I must have mentioned that at the end of the previous session.)

So I took that as my opportunity. I told her all of this:
- I felt like I was being treated unfairly
- It all stemmed back to the email that I sent after the big disclosure session, that she didn't respond to.
- In that email, I expressed my fear and concern, and asked for what I needed - I needed to know her thoughts and I needed some reassurance
- I never got what I asked for, and instead I felt I got scolded for mind-reading and for emailing.
- She tells me not to mind-read, but yet she won't tell me what she is thinking.
- when she tells me she doesn't understand why I can't just let it go, I feel like an inferior person who isn't trying hard enough.
- I need her to meet me where I am, not expect me to be over there when I am over here.
- She was mean last week when she said I could go find a new therapist and she would transfer the case.

She listened the whole time, and she took it very well and was open to hearing me. She admitted she really 'hit me between the eyes' last week. She said she did so because she wants to wake me up and realize that while I am stuck in this depression and eating disorder, I am missing my so many things in my life. She wants me realize that and take any little baby step to move from square 1.

And I said, do you really thing I haven't moved off square 1? I told her that she may not think I've been taking any steps, and with my eating d/o that is true, but I think that telling my trauma story was a HUGE step for me, and that it seems like she doesn't consider that or give it any credit at all.

We talked about her lack of compassion, as I perceived it, She did not give in very much on this. She said she does not baby her clients because that does not help them. She admits that a lot of clients don't like her at first, but that is always just how she is. She asked me if I thought it would help if she sat in the chair and sympathized with me and said how sorry she was and it was ok to be depressed and have an e.d. because of what I had been through. To which I said no, I didn't want her to do that, but are babying and the tough as nails act the only 2 options?????

We also talked about my need to know what she was thinking, and to be reassured, and we pinpointed that it has to do with the fact that I have been burned by 2 therapists in the past who were actually working against me, and other therapists who made assumptions that were wrong and came back to me in really awful ways. (which is a whole other LONG story). I think she really understood where my lack of trust and need for reassurance comes from. So that helped both of us.

It is good to type out all of this because it really helps cement the session and all we talked about in my mind and my memory. I know I'm missing a lot, but I think i covered most of it.

I very much felt heard and understood. She didn't apologize, and I don't really think she had anything to apologize for, but I think we came to an understanding between us. I felt better for speaking up to discuss my concerns, and I felt better about her as my therapist.

The bad thing is, she is now really encouraging me to go back to eating d/o treatment, which I don't want to do. She isn't pushing it to the point where she's saying she won't see me, but I have a feeling it will come to that point soon.

But for now, I'm just glad that this whole mess is behind us. I feel comfortable moving on with her as my T for now. I hope I'm making the right decision.

OMG! That had to be very hard for you. I cannot believe she was like that. It sounds very unprofessional and uncaring! personally have never had a cbt therapist.....so i have no idea. big hugs to you

Very glad that you were able to resolve the rupture and she can hopefully go back to being supportive. In a non- mean uncaring uncompassionate way , lol No, really I am glad you reconnected. I hope she is able to fill your heart with the hope you need to make things right in your life.

Very good work DR!

I agree that she needs to meet you where you are at. It is like she is standing 6 miles from you coaxing you to join her. It really helps when a person can come to where you are at and support and help you along the way. I also really agree with your thoughts about the 2 extremes of babying vs. tough as nails. There is a middle ground! I think that her role is to help you see how what happened to you brought you to where you are now. Seems like she wants you to figure it out by yourself! When you were doing your trauma work with her were your feelings coming out and if so what was her response?

aw yay go you dark runner you should be so proud of yourself! You told her how you felt and stood up for yourself and I think you did brilliantly!! I'm so pleased for you!

Thanks Sannah.
Yes, I made it a point to think about and talk about how I was feeling at that time. But I don't have a clear memory of what her response was to me. It is all a little fuzzy now, and I know I was hiding my face and I think I kind of got pulled into the memories too far, if that makes any sense.

I know that she asked me a question once or twice, and I think it was along the lines of 'what did he do next' or something like that - not having anything to do with feelings.

Ugh, just thinking about it is making my stomach queasy.

Also, as I was leaving her office, I remember her saying that she wanted me to tell story a couple of more times without hiding the whole time, and that felt overwhelming and disappointing.

I've just come across this post, and I can totally identify. My T is CBT and I am having the same problems with him at the moment- I never know what his opinion is, what he is thinking, I feel like he doesn't understand and is quite hard on me at times. Like your T, he doesn't really give in much. I am hoping to have a similar conversation with him next session, but I am glad you were able to discuss things with her and it made you feel heard.