I miss her so much today that I feel a bit sick. That's all. Trying to sit quietly with this feeling rather than blow it into a three act tragedy with a greek chorus. Trying to let go of the judgements in my head which say I'm pathetic to be struggling on only day 4 of 12. The voices that say I'll always feel this way and never be able to survive without her. The plane skywriting outside my bedroom window that I was stupid to let this happen to me. This feeling just is what it is, and I can still be ok.

Have a big deadline tomorrow morning. T's note this morning says that she's probably in starbucks with a frapuccino, recovering from days of family events and bad coffee So I'm going to pack up my work and take myself to starbucks. I've avoided it so far because I text T from there most days, and I thought it would hurt. But I guess I could turn that around and use it to feel close to her.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm so glad that you have T's notes to hold onto. That's so precious. Just know that you're ok to have these feelings. I'm glad you're recognizing and working towards not judging yourself. That's huge.

[granite1]

ibet you miss her so muchi just wanted to jump in here and give some hugs

[SpiritRunner]

yes, maybe that will help to feel closer to her! I hope it does.
you've made it 4 days, you can make it another one, one day at a time....
many, many hugs to you!

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Improving,

huge huggles!!

I have been going through the exact same feelings recently. I am on a 2 week break from my Therapist (with no contact in between) and after only a few days I hit a big low and like you I felt pathetic that I was so reliant on my therapist that I couldn't even get a 2 weeks break over with, without feeling bad. It scares me as I know my T will end will me before the end of this year and I don't know how on earth I will cope then.

I think it's good that you feel you can go to Starbucks to feel closer to your therapist and I really do hope it helps you! You are doing great, you have a third of the break over with so far and just take one day at a time.

I hope the notes help you get through the remainder of the break *huge hugs*

[Brighid]

Stoppin by to give you some love you're on my mind

Awww... I'm sorry its so hard. I know you miss your T. Haven't seen mine in 8 days and I miss her terribly!! I'm glad you have her notes to hold onto. I hope that's helping some. Hang in there... this WILL get over with soon.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I agree with the others, you are doing a good job at coping and I'm glad your T left you those notes to help. One day at a time....

I'm so glad I put aside my judgements about being 'pathetic' this morning and just let myself post this. It's so great to have your understanding and encouragement- thank you so much

Starbucks worked well Think T and I between us basically keep UK Starbucks going- the difference is that she can well afford it and I definitely can't! I have a crazy week in terms of deadlines, so there's lots to keep busy with, but we also have loads of public holidays at the moment, so the only structure in the day is the structure I create. It's challenging but doable.

With T gone, I'm realising how unsafe I feel all the time. Not in a dramatic way, just that I'm somehow not 'big' enough to be handling my life and dealing with it all. And having T sort of 'watching over me' each day, knowing what I'm doing, and letting me know what she's doing, takes away the fear and makes me feel big enough and strong enough. The strange thing is I don't think I ever connected with this fear when I was growing up, when I truly was entirely alone. I felt very grown up then, and just did what had to be done to survive, including disconnecting from my feelings. So confusing...

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Improving

I'm so glad I put aside my judgements about being 'pathetic' this morning and just let myself post this. It's so great to have your understanding and encouragement- thank you so much

Starbucks worked well Think T and I between us basically keep UK Starbucks going- the difference is that she can well afford it and I definitely can't! I have a crazy week in terms of deadlines, so there's lots to keep busy with, but we also have loads of public holidays at the moment, so the only structure in the day is the structure I create. It's challenging but doable.

With T gone, I'm realising how unsafe I feel all the time. Not in a dramatic way, just that I'm somehow not 'big' enough to be handling my life and dealing with it all. And having T sort of 'watching over me' each day, knowing what I'm doing, and letting me know what she's doing, takes away the fear and makes me feel big enough and strong enough. The strange thing is I don't think I ever connected with this fear when I was growing up, when I truly was entirely alone. I felt very grown up then, and just did what had to be done to survive, including disconnecting from my feelings. So confusing...

but you are learning how to be in a safe, loving connection and eventually I think you will feel safe enough, big enough, loved enough to be handling your life and deal with it all. I am glad you have t to help you now.....