As a therapist, I have days that I'm often amazed at some of the "gifts" I get from my clients. Not materials, moments. The things that make me say "Wow, that's something I'll remember".

On these boards, we do a lot of talking about what our therapist's give us (or don't give us). What they bring to the table, or if they're so off they forget to even "set the table"! We talk of how they influence, or impact us.

But I wonder how much awareness there is on what things YOU give to your therapist meeting with them weekly. How do you help your therapist learn and grow in the therapeutic alliance?

[ECHOES]

I don't consider it my focus or responsibility.
Maybe it depends on the type of therapy a person is in, or maybe I am clueless, idk.

[carsan60612]

When I had to say goodbye to my therapist, I made her a mini book of quotes that related to our relationship, as well as specific qualities about her that helped me (she was real, she listened, etc). I'd like to think that by sharing info that I don't share with anyone else makes my current therapist feel like she's a good therapist.

[sunrise]

I feel that I give my therapist a lot during our sessions. That may be why I don't feel the need to give him material gifts at holidays or other times. I think my gifts are the intimate moments we share, my willingness to have a strong and connected relationship, to share deeply, to be authentic, to be honest and direct, to think the best of him and his efforts to help me and not make negative assumptions about what he may be thinking without asking for clarification--all that good stuff!! There have also been moments when he shared something with me and I gave him my empathy and a few times my tears. (And he has said, "thank you for your empathy" so I know he appreciates it.) I also have told him how much he has helped me and made a difference in my life, or what specific thing he did or words he said that really helped me. (I have also told him what things have not been helpful. ) I don't always do these things perfectly or with grace, but we do have some fine, fine moments, and these are my gifts to him.

I don't really set out to do these things thinking that I must do them in order to help my T learn and grow. I do them for the sake of our relationship and because I feel close to him and respect him. I would want to do these things for anyone I had such a strong relationship with.

[Can't Stop Crying]

honesty and my trust are what I have given him and I think it has helped him look at people as more than just a mind, but also as people with feelings and hearts

[dizgirl2011]

Hi StormyAngels,

I think it's really nice that you feel you get so much from your clients.

When I read your question initially I thought to myself - 'I don't really bring her anything' as I am just so greatful that she allows me to be her client!! Which I know will end soon.

But I guess that every client brings a unique set of circumstances, history, story, problems and way of looking at things, so I hope that from those things my therapist has learned something from me that will help her understand the human condition better, so that she can go on and help others.

When I went on my break, T told me that I have had a huge impact on his life. And he often tells me that he's learned a lot from me, and I've helped him grow as a therapist.

I feel shy when he says those things, so I've never asked him to elaborate or explain...but it feels good to know that we're both THERE, together, and that we're both always growing and changing. It feels good to know that we each affect each other, because that's how good, true, open relationships are.

[elliemay]

What an interesting question.

One thing for sure, I always straighten his magazines in the waiting room.

My last session my therapist told me that he enjoyed sitting with me when I am open and unguarded and just being me - so I guess I just bring me. The real me.

I guess that is the heart of any relationship. Authentic and real.

It's nice - evidently for both of us.

[lastyearisblank]

Stormyangels, do you want to share what kind of gifts your clients give you?

I honestly had to think a minute before answering this question. I guess the gift I give my T is affection. When I teach or tutor the gift that I get back from my students is (hopefully) their full attention and interest. So maybe one of the gifts I give my T is really listening to their words and trying to take away a message from what they try to give me.

I have also given my T a book, before, after trying to figure out their taste. It made me really happy when they said it was just what they like!

Yeah, I guess just trying to have a genuine connection.

[granite1]

at this point i think all i bring is a lot of silence,resistance and frustration.i hope this will change some day

[with or without you]

I bring a lot of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

[sittingatwatersedge]

well yes payment (although unlike WOWY it's not $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$, it's more like $$$$$);
frustration, to be honest;
humor;
challenge;
esteem, respect, gratitude.... even if I'm a difficult client. I do respect her profession & her talents (considerable) and I'm seriously grateful for the help she gives me.

[Suratji]

I bring a real appreciation for her efforts and her caring. I bring my philosophy of life which I believe she resonates with. I bring my sensitivity to the arts which I think she likes. I bring my ongoing growth which she finds exciting to witness. I bring as much 'realness' as possible. I bring an eagerness to learn and to change. Unfortunately I also bring some built-in resistance. I don't mean to but it's really really hard to allow the emotions full-play.

What my clients have given to me:

Humor in dark moments. When I'm working with someone and we both feel "stuck" on where to go, and they allow themselves to laugh, it moves me. That after being through so much they are able to continue to see the lighter side of things.

The right for anyone to be human. I work with a lot of kids. As I often say on the board, I stick my foot in my mouth at times, and sometimes get frustrated with *myself* for being human instead of the always present, processing, insightful guiding therapist. Many of my child clients highlight my humanness, and they remind me and their parents that that is okay.

The thing that prompted this question was a session I had with a little boy. Who always says "Im sorry" for things that aren't in his control. He stated "Instead of always saying I'm sorry, I'm going to start saying what I'm thankful for". It caught me so off guard, but it was such a beautiful thing for him and for me.

With having a disability myself, I have a difficult time always having to persevere. My clients keep showing me that we all have to persevere in something, even when we're tired, and we don't want to. We get a chance to come together and sit in the muck for a while. Then I help them stand and we both move on.

This question isn't so much about how you support your T, and provide them with emotional needs. But, it just got me thinking about, have you had those moments where you know you left such an impact, do you realize how much you had changed THEM (t) in this process...

i seriously have no clue... i first thought "a test case"....
but really alot of *****in and moaning or maybe what i bring is a big fat challenge....

and then i bring myself into his office... although damn slowly

[BlackCanary]

With my first T, I felt like he learned a lot from me - because I felt like I was the first one to walk into his office with my issue which was very odd (and 25% of women have faced assault, so it's a common thing!). I gave him the book "From Trauma to Recovery" and this had a big impact on him.
I had a wicked case of transference, which I talked about. He didn't know what to do, so this gave him a chance to learn....and experience some counter-transference. He said he felt manipulated. DUH that is the inner teenager trying to get her way! I was constantly working on having an impact on him, getting a reaction out of him - did I touch his heart?

I've always been committed to the process and expected to experience a change in my way of thinking/reacting. So, once I learned HOW to do therapy then I always did the work - show up and talk. Keep doing work between sessions. Use what you learn. He once said "We aren't supposed to give grades in here but you are a very good therapy client."

Oh, but my new T, she knew lots about my issue and had great things to teach me. I am not trying to impact her or touch her heart, because I am secure in my relationship with her - because that's how she wants me to feel. So what I bring is still my willingness to do hard work in therapy.

And I know this impacts or impresses her because she will stop me and take stock of how I"ve changed. And I'll claim the credit/compliment (most of the time). She says it's a gift to her that I work this hard.

$&*# now I"m crying, because I realize she's giving me something I never got as a kid - positive reinforcement and praise for doing hard work.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by elliemay

One thing for sure, I always straighten his magazines in the waiting room.

That made me laugh...I wonder if he knows that you're the one who does the straightening?!?!

I thought of another thing I think I've given my T. When I first started seeing him, it was a brand new private practice for him, and I was the first trauma case he had ever encountered...I think he learned a lot about pain and compassion from me and I think he learned about what I needed from him, not always what the textbook told him. Hopefully, with me as his guinea pig, if he encounters other trauma cases, he will consider the struggles I face and use that to help other clients.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by granite1

at this point i think all i bring is a lot of silence,resistance and frustration.i hope this will change some day

pdoc has told me that he didnt understand how much patience one person he could have until he met me and had to start putting it into practice . he didn't say this in a mean way, but in a genuine way where he was trying to show that he's learnt a lot from our interactions.

i know i give him a lot of things, but this is one that sticks in my mind and made me feel special.

[Elli-Beth]

I bring him the opportunity to practice his dramatic reading skills! When the mutism hits and he reads my conversation out loud, he always does a great job of expressing my emotions verbally by paying attention to what I underline, capitalize, write most hastily, etc.

Since I have been seeing my therapist, I have done a few things that she says no one has ever done. Music, sitting in the floor, blanket & pillow. She said that it was quite a pleasant change from sitting in her chair all day. She also said that other clients may benefit from the way I do things. She said more than likely, they have never thought about it.

I also mentioned to her a few times that it was kinda weird to sit on the couch with no pillow to hold onto, or prop myself up on. She said that was a good idea, but she never thought it. She now has pillows on her couch!

I tend to have a odd sense of humor. When I get stuck in a moment, I might say some random, off the wall comment. She is like, "Where did that come from?" and starts laughing. It comes from my AHDH mind! I can go off on a rabbit trail in a split second sometimes.

[SpiritRunner]

I think I have brought perseverance and trust to my T.....she sees that and respects it. I don't think she has had anyone before with whom she had such a huge rupture who was able to keep coming back and trusting her.....she said others have not been able to come back. So that I did meant a lot to her and has made an impression on her I think......
The situation with my attachment and how she handled it and the mistakes she made that she admitted....I think has helped her look more closely at some things within herself and how she deals with attachment. I think she has learned a few deeper things about grace and humility in owning her mistakes.
I think we have both grown over the course of my therapy.....and given each other gifts, mostly that of trust and grace and honesty.

[learning1]

One time I did something kind of difficult I think my t was trying to show me to do. At the end of the session I looked at him and said thank you. He seemed happy. But most of the time, I think I bring him boredom and annoyance.

[Chronic]

I honestly don't think I bring anything positive or worthwhile to the relationship.

A "fascinating brain". So she said. (I dunno. Guess that's one word for it...)

(Elliemay, hehe, yup, and straighten the pictures, and fluff the pillows and pick up any little bits off the floor...and...)

[Transcending1]

It's hard to know what HE feels that I contribute. I think that I challenge him. He says that I have bold and unconventional thoughts, that he has had clients in therapy for years that have not discussed topics that I had disclosed within months. He also says that I have a passionate nature which hopefully he experiences as a contagious self-motivator in his work. I also feel that I bring material that challenges his "blind spots." Having a keen interest in psychology (my own and others) and some educational background in the discipline, I am painfully aware of his negative counter-transference issues. I hope that the process/content of our sessions facilitates his growth as a therapist in these areas.

Of course, along with the challenging aspects, I give him the gift of frustration However, I do relate my experiences of personal growth and that has to be rewarding for him.