[Abby]

T has been away for a month. I have had big horrid feelings around that - no need to explain as most on here have been there and get those feelings etc... She gave me something to 'remember' her by and it helped.

I have a hard time remembering things but I know I saw my dr 3 wks ago and I said I was feeling good (during the time my T was away) and she (dr) asked if i could continue feeling this way and I said yes, but what I meant to say was if this is what others think/see/feel then yes it makes sense that not everyone is constantly suicidal (which is a theme that has and still does greatly disturbs me, i mean why do we all not just give up? give me a big red button and i'll press it for us all etc...).

But anyway. Seeing dr again tomorrow and I don't know what to say about how I feel....am I feeling...can i feel?! I think I can because there is a part of me that is saying quit T (i've been bk 1 session, it went fine but I feel like pushing her firmly away from me.....gosh knows why?!!!) and also I'm starting to feel that again no life is worth this much effort! Plus arrogantly and perhaps in a paranoid manner i think if she (T) is 'real' then what can she tell me but what I have already made up in my mind.....now i'm not saying I created life or that she is just a figment of my imagination....but....i don't know....

Of course I can't tell T this because a) did you see how hard it was to explain? I doubt anyone understands my freaky, horrid mind esp. when it feels so much unreality?! plus b) I don't think I want her to know, I get she cares about me but she does still quite frankly leave! She says she would leave a baby briefly if she knew it was well looked after and cared for when she was away.....but I think that is evil, I don;t think you should ever leave a child if you 'think' they'll be looked after.

Plus if I express any of this to her I'll be vulnerable and I feel like being strong atm. I'm confused....is what I'm feeling 'normal'? Am I over the break we had or not? Plus what should I say to my dr? I feel clueless. My main worry is that my dr will figure out at some pt I'm an idiot and give me up...i'm scared everyone will leave me but I still don't tell them I 'need' them. I mean I do, i really do......but I don't want them to hate me and if I tell them any of the thoughts above they'll think i'm a complete and utter dramatic idiot!

[swimmergirl]

Hey Abby,

I understand the feeling like a complete and total idiot but T's can't read your mind and if you don't tell her and your doc what you are going through, no one can help you. They will not abandon you, they are there to help you. If you are really worried maybe right her a note or tell her over a period of sessions, a little at a time. It is normal and actually healthy to be attached to your T. If you are not attached at some point, they may be unable to help you. Trust takes a little more time and work. As far as "is what you are feeling normal"? I am not the one to answer that question. I don't think anyone is "normal". Feelings just are.............if you bury them or ignore them they only get stronger. You have to walk right through them to figure out the meaning and there is ALWAYS a meaning behind them. Good luck to you! (((((hugs)))))

[lxegirl]

you have to talk about it to get answers!!!!
just trust the T.
good luck.

[granite1]

i hope you find the courrage to talk to your T about this.it sounds so painfull and i bet she would like to help you with it .she cant if you dont let her know what is happening

[lastyearisblank]

It is hard to have these feelings but they make perfect sense to me. If you express them to your T I think they might help her understand you. Maybe it might help to bring in the post?

[WikidPissah]

I tend to sort thru stuff by writing (and rewriting, and rewriting, and rewriting...) about it...maybe if you continue to work thru it like you are you will find some clarity?

[Abby]

Thank you.

You are all right, but I guess I'm a bit of tired of having to continually talk. I know noone can read my mind and so to become less confused I should hash all these confusing thoughts out.....I'm just a bit tired of feeling I'm the one reaching 3/4 of the way to connect whilst everyone else seems to lazily be only doing the last 1/4. I know that I'm the only person who should be responsible for myself and I should be grateful I have anyone who cares enough to even reach 1/4 of the way. I dunno, maybe I'm just a bit down and tired and therefore feeling a bit self-pitying atm.

[Sannah]

Sounds like the month break was hard for you. Do you want to leave T so that you don't have to go through something like that again? Maybe you are upset with her for leaving for a month?

[Abby]

I don't know the answers to those questions Sannah, I wish I did. I wish I understood why my mood has plummeted so severely in only 3days. I'm exhausted. I can but hope this is temporary and linked to some kinda unconscious reaction to T coming back so it will settle and not continue to be as painful.

[lxegirl]

keep us updated on how you're doing