[zooropa]

Finally. Relief. We talked. And yes, we laughed and we cried. It was painful and it was healing. In the end we hugged it out.

I'm still on my way home, I'll post more details when I can.

[karebear1]

Oh Zoo!!! That is so wonderful! I'm so happy that you have finally found some relief! I can hardly wait to hear what happened!!!! (((((((zoo)))))))

[BlessedRhiannon]

That is so wonderful! I look forward to reading more.

[googley]

That is so wonderful to hear. I am so glad that the two of you were able to work this out. I hope that you continue to work on your relationship.

[ECHOES]

So so so happy for you!!

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Zoo,

I am delighted to hear this and look forward to hearing about your session!

Luv Diz xxxx

[WePow]

WOW !!! SO AWESOME! I was thinking about you today!!!!!

[zooropa]

It was good. It felt right. We started off talking about whether I should take a break from therapy, and we decided not right now. Then I asked her if she thought our relationship was fixable, and we decided it is.

Parts of it were hard, like the part where we talked about me only seeing her weekly for 3 more months and then tapering down (this is because of funding, see below). That made me sad and made my whole body go numb, and I told her so. We talked through it. In three months we will see where I am. For now, three months is enough stability for me to feel safe enough to start to rebuild trust with T.

We also talked about me going back to T at some future time to continue trauma work. As sad as it is to think about not seeing T regularly, it felt good to know she will always be out there and I can always go back when the time is right.

I told her my idea of having some scheduled calls just to check in, and we set one up for Friday morning. She said of course I can call her in the meantime, if I want to or need to.

There is a lot of complicated business-end stuff going on with the state-funded managed care that is in charge of paying for my therapy, and I hate that stuff. I don't want to deal with it or think about it or go to their meetings and tell strangers why they should authorize payment for me to see a special T and not just someone in my own community. But, I have to do that again, and soon. I hated talking about that, but we did it.

In the end I asked her for a hug, and she hugged me so long and so hard. It felt really, really, really good.

I see her again on Monday. I will talk to her on Friday, whether anything is going on or not. I think I might be okay.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by zooropa

It was good. It felt right. We started off talking about whether I should take a break from therapy, and we decided not right now. Then I asked her if she thought our relationship was fixable, and we decided it is.

Parts of it were hard, like the part where we talked about me only seeing her weekly for 3 more months and then tapering down (this is because of funding, see below). That made me sad and made my whole body go numb, and I told her so. We talked through it. In three months we will see where I am. For now, three months is enough stability for me to feel safe enough to start to rebuild trust with T.

We also talked about me going back to T at some future time to continue trauma work. As sad as it is to think about not seeing T regularly, it felt good to know she will always be out there and I can always go back when the time is right.

I told her my idea of having some scheduled calls just to check in, and we set one up for Friday morning. She said of course I can call her in the meantime, if I want to or need to.

There is a lot of complicated business-end stuff going on with the state-funded managed care that is in charge of paying for my therapy, and I hate that stuff. I don't want to deal with it or think about it or go to their meetings and tell strangers why they should authorize payment for me to see a special T and not just someone in my own community. But, I have to do that again, and soon. I hated talking about that, but we did it.

In the end I asked her for a hug, and she hugged me so long and so hard. It felt really, really, really good.

I see her again on Monday. I will talk to her on Friday, whether anything is going on or not. I think I might be okay.

Hey,

I think you dealt with the session really well and should be so proud of yourself!! I also think a sheduled phone call is a really good idea! even though she reverted to her "when you want or need to" saying about the phone calls which seems odd after what has happened but it sounds like she cares about you and wants to repair the relationship also.

The finance issue sounds stressful and I can understand why you don;t want to go through with it. It sounds unfair to put someone who is vulnerable through an interview type process to prove they need the help. However the positive thing is you have done it before and you can do it again..*hugs*

[dizgirl2011]

Sorry for double posting but I just read your O.M.G thread, I somehow missed it but i havent been on the forum too much in the past 24-48 hours.

I am still glad today went well but what I read in that thread about what she said to you really concerns me. What Marie said in her reponse is completely accurate.

Can I ask how long she has been a Therapist?

*hugs*
xxx

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey,

I think you dealt with the session really well and should be so proud of yourself!! I also think a sheduled phone call is a really good idea! even though she reverted to her "when you want or need to" saying about the phone calls which seems odd after what has happened but it sounds like she cares about you and wants to repair the relationship also.

T spent a lot of time today explaining to me how/why she got burned out, and made it really, really clear that it was her, not me. It was her not being mindful of her limits and wanting to do more than she was actually able to do.

We talked about how some things have to change, but some things don't have to change. She has to focus more on DBT skills during our phone calls, and not on the myriad other life issues that come up. I completely understand that.

She also said that she was wrong in telling me I can't call just to check in, and said that it's okay to do that as much as I need to. It was my idea to have scheduled times, that way I will know I have a call with her coming up and that it is ok for me to call her even if nothing big is going on right then, and I won't have to worry that I'm calling too much or too often or at a bad time. We'll see how this works for a while.

diz, to answer your question, she has been a T for 20+ years.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>>> There is a lot of complicated business-end stuff going on with the state-funded managed care that is in charge of paying for my therapy, and I hate that stuff.
Maybe you can come back as Mouse, or some other unused moniker. Not that I would ever suggest going around under or through.

[ECHOES]

T spent a lot of time today explaining to me how/why she got burned out, and made it really, really clear that it was her, not me. It was her not being mindful of her limits and wanting to do more than she was actually able to do.

This is so great of her to talk about this with you, and I find it relieving just to read your words about it I like your idea of a scheduled time too! Great idea!

I only have a minute, and I just signed on to see how it went today....SO glad that you are moving towards resolution. Just breathing a big old sigh of relief over here.

[zooropa]

Whenever something even sort of big happens to me or around me, I wait anxiously for the emotional backlash that I know will come later. Today wasn't any different. I have a strange mix of emotions going on and tears just below the surface, but I feel calmer and more...centered? than I have for a week.

I still have questions. I still think it sucks that things happened the way they did, and I feel really sad about the thought of not having T in my life someday. I'm trying to just push those thoughts away and breathe in this moment of knowing that she is here now and that I don't have to think too far ahead.

I guess part of my work is learning to recognize and appreciate those moments of peace, of clarity, of grace, when they come, and trust that they will come again.

Mostly I'm just tired and wish I could go to bed now and sleep until I wake up with a different temperament and/or a different brain. In some ways I'm just starting to recognize how different I am from other people. How not everyone feels so empty or so fragmented. How not everyone needs someone else to be a context for them to exist in. I think that on my own I don't really exist at all, and I'm just a reflection of whatever anyone thinks or says about me.

[googley]

(((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))

I'm glad you were able too talk this through with T and start on the road to repair.

So so glad that you feel it went well. It sounds like you were incredibly skilful

I'm glad T is (finally) saying that she realises that she wasn't mindful of her limits and it's her responsibility to do so. My biggest rupture with T was about the exact same thing, and she initially communicated it all in a very emotion-mind way and just took everything away, and it took a long time to recover from that.

Also really glad T agreed to a scheduled phone call. This is what I set up with my T when I felt most unsafe with her, and we've actually kept it because it's really helpful knowing when it will be 'my turn' and it means I don't feel like I need to speak to her all the time.

I understand the part about starting to *see* how different we are, and the extreme discomfort of seeing it all clearly but not yet feeling we have the power to be any other way. It's ok to sometimes wish for the days when you didn't have the insight.

You deserve to feel peaceful. I hope you can hold inside you the rightness of the session and the warmth of the hug from T.

[WePow]

(((((Zoo))))) You are a unique part of the entire universe. You are VERY special for just being the YOU that you are.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by zooropa

Mostly I'm just tired and wish I could go to bed now and sleep until I wake up with a different temperament and/or a different brain. In some ways I'm just starting to recognize how different I am from other people. How not everyone feels so empty or so fragmented. How not everyone needs someone else to be a context for them to exist in.

Yup, this is super sad. I've had that "I am such a bad/ different person" feeling before too. It is usually a big upheaval like this that brings it on. But the truth is it's really just some of the time.

[SpiritRunner]

I am so glad you have found such relief and that you T came to a resolution with the phone calls.
As far as being different, I have resigned myself to being 'different' too........the bipolar AND the BPD make me an interesting person and make my emotional life VERY interesting and stormy to say the least! So I relate to that feeling of being different than others and how it comes out in my reactions when I am in emotional mind......

I am really happy for you!

[zooropa]

I'm super, super sad today. I had a panic attack in the women's room at walmart.

It's about therapy ending. It is SO HARD. I can't stand it, and then I tell myself that saying that doesn't help. I can stand it. It won't hurt forever. Someday I won't even think about T every day any more.

But, man. All the things I tell myself and all the things I read and all the things T says, it doesn't make much difference. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't feel the whole in me. It just makes me want to die.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm super, super sad today. I had a panic attack in the women's room at walmart.

It's about therapy ending. It is SO HARD. I can't stand it, and then I tell myself that saying that doesn't help. I can stand it. It won't hurt forever. Someday I won't even think about T every day any more.

But, man. All the things I tell myself and all the things I read and all the things T says, it doesn't make much difference. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't feel the whole in me. It just makes me want to die.

Hey hun,

try to hold onto the fact that your therapist said that in a few months time that you could both look at where you are and then think about maybe tappering off sessions....but nothing is definate there, if your not ready im sure she won't force you??

I understand your worry though (((((huge hugs))))))

xxxxx

[ladyjrnlist]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm super, super sad today. I had a panic attack in the women's room at walmart.

It's about therapy ending. It is SO HARD. I can't stand it, and then I tell myself that saying that doesn't help. I can stand it. It won't hurt forever. Someday I won't even think about T every day any more.

But, man. All the things I tell myself and all the things I read and all the things T says, it doesn't make much difference. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't feel the whole in me. It just makes me want to die.

We sometimes get attached to our T's. That's hard to move away from, but time will make it better, once you reach that stage.

[karebear1]

Zoo..... I'm sorry you're missing T already.