How do you feel about 'them'?

I think my t is a good role model because he has a wife and kids, which is something I think I might want. I don't think I've been jealous of them more than I sometimes am with anyone who has a healthy family.

i think so.and i have kind of had it both ways.IDK maybe i am strange but i just have no intrest.maybe i would if she talked about her family but it doesnt bother me at all that she doesnt

I wouldn't really say I am jealous. I know my T is married with a kid. She has told me funny stories, or related to me on certain parenting issues. I'm not really jealous of any of that. Maybe because she is closer to my age? I do wish I was more than just a client, and that I could be a part of her life. But I am so grateful that I have her as a therapist so in the end, I'll take what I can get...which is one awesome therapist

Oh and rainbow, I am pretty sure if I saw the affection happening like you did, I would most certainly be jealous! You are def not messed up!

Even though I know nothing about her life statistics, I do know her, and I like her a lot!!!!

My T is married with two children. I know very little beyond that and that's the way I prefer it. He has occasionally referenced them in the context of a conversation, but very rarely. I like keeping my distance from his personal life...my former T self-disclosed way too much and things ended very badly.

My feelings about T's family vary greatly depending on whether I feel I have enough of her. I generally feel quite peaceful about them these days, but as she's just been on a two week holiday and has gone away again (for her Sunday off), I feel intensely jealous right now

I remember how my heart froze when T told me she had a young baby, and how I couldn't make sense of it. For many months the sheer existence of the baby hurt me like hell. My feelings were so conflicted- on the one hand I didn't want to have everything, but on the other hand I worried a lot about whether she had everything she needed (e.g. if I knew T was going away to a conference). I wanted her child to be happy because I needed to know that T was a good mother, but I didn't want T to be her mother. Over time, T has said and shown again and again that there is enough love for both of us, and we can share, and I've learnt to love her child like a sister I suppose. I love funny stories about her, and when I've made T presents I've made sure there's something special for her child as part of it.

For a long time I wished I didn't know T had a child, as it caused me so much pain. But now I think it's the most healing aspect of my therapy. If I hadn't known, I might never have identified that what I've wanted all my life was a mother. (I have been massively over attached to female 'helpers' for years but never understood that it was about wanting them to be my mother.) And knowing about her child, and 'seeing' T parent her day to day (through T's stories and photos and knowing what they're doing each day) has brought T alive to me as a mother. There is also something crucial in wanting T all to myself vs. learning to share. And finding that there is enough for both of us. My childhood photos show that my mother just disappeared when she conceived my sister, and there are only three photos of me in my sister's first year of life, as if I stopped mattering (in the context of a whole album of just my first year). I've always had an incredibly difficult relationship with my sister. This time it feels different.

I've also had a lot of difficult feelings about her husband (to the point of moving his books and throwing away his nameplate so I didn't have to face the fact that he exists), which I found harder to understand (because it's not like I wish that I was her partner instead). T said it's really about not wanting *anyone* to stop her from being all mine, and that really resonates for me. She said her daughter tells them off or physically separates them if they try to cuddle, and this helps me to make sense of my feelings. I also feel glad that she's there patrolling the situation

wow, I could have wrote a lot of this myself! My T has 2 young children, one of which would only be about 1 year now and I found it very hard to deal with the fact that she now has a daughter (she had a son already) because in my heart I wanted/want to be her daughter. I too grew up getting attached to female authority figures and still do pretty much s I yearn for the mothering I feel I didnt get; so to know this little girl is getting everything I could ever dream of is hard for me to cope with. I don't resent her children but i do envy them and cant help but feel that way.
I think if my therapist talked about her children it may hurt me more but at the same time it must feel nice that she feels able to open up to you, my therapist doesnt talk about her family at all, the only reason I knew she had a son was I seen her a few years ago out with her husband and little boy...then I only found out she had a girl from spotting a pink toy at her home (were I see her for therapy). It actually does hurt my heart to know she loves them and always will more than me, in fact she doesnt love me at all because I am a client. I am not delusional, I know Ill never mean that much to her, shes my T not my mother or anything else but knowing the rational side sometimes doesnt stop the hurt.

thanks for sharing' Improving'

I feel intensely about 'them', even though I don't know for sure that he is married or has children. But I suspect, and that's enough to send me crazy. I imagine the things he does with his children - bike rides and reading with them, and cuddling them before bed. I can't bear to think that he loves his wife, or that he makes love to her. I have no idea why I feel this, as I had a nice childhood with bike rides and cuddles. I think I must be badly 'broken' in some way, to get so obsessed with this.

Hey Elley,

you are not 'badly broken' just because you crave closeness with someone. I think it can be hard to accept that our therapists are closer to other people, don't worry you are not alone!