[learning1]

It took me til the end of the session, but I brought up the time when I think he was trying to make me angry, over a year ago. I told him it hurt. I've only been back twice now since I was going to this t a year ago, and I've been really nervous to talk to him because of that incident. So, I needed to bring it up. He didn't remember it (he said) but he was SO nice. He said "I care about you" and "I'm not here to hurt you" and sorry if I hurt you. He tried to explain why he thought he might have said what he said. The explanation didn't make a lot of sense because he didn't remember what he said, and I wasn't comfortable to explain that. But I still feel better.

Part of me is screaming w embarrassment that I still needed to talk about this after a year, and that I need/want therapy like this at all. It's such a relief when he doesn't laugh at me, or act uncomfortable about it and he takes me seriously. Part of me is still afraid of him and how he can be confrontational. I hope I can be more comfortable talking to him now though.

I also feel better knowing his memory isn't that good. He asked me again if my parents were still together, which we had discussed quite a bit in the previous session. That might be a little too much forgetting, but for the most part it felt safer knowing he doesn't remember a lot of stuff. So I can stick my foot in my mouth and embarrass myself and forget about it, since he probably will too.

[lastyearisblank]

No! That's not good if he can't remember if your parents are together. I can understand why you want to forgive it, but it's a minus not a plus!

Glad that you are speaking up from your own experience. I hope this T can build up your confidence in that respect and not just have it be "him the expert" and you the person who has things done to them, if that makes sense.

Which is not to say that a challenge isn't good.

Just really glad that you brought up your thing from a year ago. Pay attention to the pain-- it has a signaling purpose.

[Splintered]

I'm glad you talked to your t about what happened last time you were seeing him. I don't think it matters how long it's been - it sounds like something you needed to sort out with him before you could progress any further. I have to agree that him forgetting something you talked about a lot in the last session is not a good thing. My t says she has a bad memory but she only forgets the unimportant things - like that I have a cat for example (which I rarely mention) - she has never forgotten my family history or any memories I've shared with her. It might be something to keep an eye on to see if this is a regular occurance. I hope it works out for you!

[Perna]

Our T's work with us, one-on-one, not our parents, spouses, our work/school, or the other details of our life! They are only interested in what happens in session, with them; that's all they are present for!

After 8 years of seeing my T, she had to write me a check to pay back for an extra payment I'd made and wrote it out to me in my maiden name that she had known me as over 20 years previously! I'd been married 15 years by then and writing her checks for 8 years on my joint checking account with my married name and my husband's name!

Those details are important to us but don't have any bearing on our work with T because they're not part of that work! If your parents are/are not married/still/not still together, that has no bearing on your T and what you and he are working on. It's social chatter and details that are interesting (especially if you yourself are working on things relative to your parents and reporting about them to T) and might help with overall explanations and pictures of you but right now, right now with T and you, that is what is key. Whether you say at that moment that you are disappointed in T because he doesn't remember (as opposed to not telling him what you are feeling about him in the moment) or whether you shrug or carry away a "burden" for yourself because you don't communicate with the one you're with. That's what T is for; to help you learn to be yourself, fully, Now.

[lastyearisblank]

I mean, I have to disagree COMPLETELY perna, I usually agree with you but... your parents' marital status could presumably affect who you are as a person.

Also names matter. My past T misspelled my name in an email to me and it pissed me off because he wrote it as a another name. Anglicizing it to boot. Like let's say my name was Lu Shen-- and he wrote Lucy (that's not my name.. just an e.g.). It's arguably a huge difference in who you are. That wouldn't piss me off but someone I'm working closely and write checks for on a weekly basis should not be making that mistake.

Anyhooo!! Haha, I don't wanna derail the thread... a T forgetting your cat's name is ok. Them forgetting your marital status or important details of your upbringing is not.

I also feel better knowing his memory isn't that good. He asked me again if my parents were still together, which we had discussed quite a bit in the previous session. That might be a little too much forgetting, but for the most part it felt safer knowing he doesn't remember a lot of stuff. So I can stick my foot in my mouth and embarrass myself and forget about it, since he probably will too.

this is hilarious and at the same time, sad!

sending safe hugs

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by learning1

I also feel better knowing his memory isn't that good. He asked me again if my parents were still together, which we had discussed quite a bit in the previous session. That might be a little too much forgetting, but for the most part it felt safer knowing he doesn't remember a lot of stuff. So I can stick my foot in my mouth and embarrass myself and forget about it, since he probably will too.

I'm glad you feel better after talking to your T.

I know what you mean about feeling better knowing his memory isn't that good. My T has an amazing memory...she never seems to forget anything I've told her and there are times I wish she didn't have such a good memory. I'm kinda grateful that she does, because it keeps me from just pushing off important stuff, but there are things I wish she'd just forget I said!

[learning1]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

No! That's not good if he can't remember if your parents are together. I can understand why you want to forgive it, but it's a minus not a plus!

Thanks for the concern lyib, and others who said this. I think you're right, he should remember whether my parents are together. He pays attention to childhood stuff, so it shouldn't be an irrelevant detail to him.

I think he's an intuitive person who might tend to remember impressions more than specific details. I can definitely forgive forgetting specifics this time. He was very sensitive and supportive. I almost didn't bring up what I was going to say but he noticed that I barely started to say something, and asked what it was, so I did.

So I think I'll take Splintered's advice and pay attention if it happens a lot.
It's funny that my impression of him when we talked to him before (last year) was that he had a really good memory, especially because he doesn't take any notes. I don't remember why I thought that though. I am afraid he thinks I'm boring, and I have to try not to let myself go there and blame myself if he forgets (more than I want him to forget).

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Glad that you are speaking up from your own experience. I hope this T can build up your confidence in that respect and not just have it be "him the expert" and you the person who has things done to them, if that makes sense.

Which is not to say that a challenge isn't good.

Yes, that makes sense lyib and I will try to keep it in mind. I wonder if he doesn't know how strongly he comes across to me since he's more extroverted. But now he knows he had enough impression that I was still upset about it a year later. It seemed like he was really trying to help me feel more comfortable even though I didn't bring this up until 5 minutes before the end of the session. I think he gave me extra time but I didn't look at the clock when I left. He told me some things about his childhood and told me how old he is- almost the same age as me- which helped me feel a little more equal with him.

Oh, and another good thing- I asked him if he looks on any websites where people post about therapy- and he said no . He said he thinks that it can be good, almost like a group. Then later he asked, so you spend a lot of time online? yeah, yeah

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Perna

Our T's work with us, one-on-one, not our parents, spouses, our work/school, or the other details of our life! They are only interested in what happens in session, with them; that's all they are present for!

After 8 years of seeing my T, she had to write me a check to pay back for an extra payment I'd made and wrote it out to me in my maiden name that she had known me as over 20 years previously! I'd been married 15 years by then and writing her checks for 8 years on my joint checking account with my married name and my husband's name!

Those details are important to us but don't have any bearing on our work with T because they're not part of that work! If your parents are/are not married/still/not still together, that has no bearing on your T and what you and he are working on. It's social chatter and details that are interesting (especially if you yourself are working on things relative to your parents and reporting about them to T) and might help with overall explanations and pictures of you but right now, right now with T and you, that is what is key. Whether you say at that moment that you are disappointed in T because he doesn't remember (as opposed to not telling him what you are feeling about him in the moment) or whether you shrug or carry away a "burden" for yourself because you don't communicate with the one you're with. That's what T is for; to help you learn to be yourself, fully, Now.

I agree that being present in the session is important and I think that that was what was important with my session yesterday. Getting to an extreme of forgetting some major details very often would be a problem, but that's not how it was in my case. I hope also it didn't hurt in your case when she forgot your name, or at least that it was a forgivable detail.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Also names matter. My past T misspelled my name in an email to me and it pissed me off because he wrote it as a another name. Anglicizing it to boot. Like let's say my name was Lu Shen-- and he wrote Lucy (that's not my name.. just an e.g.). It's arguably a huge difference in who you are. That wouldn't piss me off but someone I'm working closely and write checks for on a weekly basis should not be making that mistake.

Anglicizing someone's name could show insensitivity- I wouldn't want that to happen, especially if it happened again after I pointed it out.

Originally Posted by jbmomg

this is hilarious and at the same time, sad!

sending safe hugs

I'm glad it was funny and didn't mean it to be sad.

[WikidPissah]

Forgetfulness can be irritating from a T. I hate when T doesn't remember what we worked on the week before, or when he says we are going to do something next week...but never do it. Sigh. I usually let it slide, but it's definitely not good for me.

[Elli-Beth]

I first saw my T eight years ago when there were 3 major traumas at the same time. It was a short course of therapy so I could just hang on and get my life back on track, then I didn't see him again until 6 months ago when one if the issues came back. Now we're doing long-term work to make sure it never comes back.

Anyway, after we started up again it was obvious he didn't remember the other two traumas, and he'd since switched offices and the old records had been destroyed. So one of the traumas I had to remind him about and the other one is still not mentioned. In a way I'm glad his memory is bad, because it's almost like I get a fresh start, but then a part of me is all"Ugh... I can't believe I have to tell him all over again"

And my T has also used the phrase "impressionistic memory" to describe himself

[lastyearisblank]

Anglicizing someone's name could show insensitivity- I wouldn't want that to happen, especially if it happened again after I pointed it out.

It didn't! I'm not like militant about it but I like my name (and really don't care for the English version of it).

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

It didn't! I'm not like militant about it but I like my name (and really don't care for the English version of it).

I completely agree with you. Insensitivity to cultural or other differences should not be occurring with our T's. It's bad enough that it happens in RL.

If he has a problem with spelling or pronunciation he should have discussed his difficulties and you could have helped him with it and it would have shown some understanding.

We once had a foreign student living with us and his first name was not pronounceable by Americans and would have been slaughtered by using the American accent. We discussed with him what he would like to do given the challenges of inter-cultural communication.

He decided with our assistance to take another name that was similar and easy for Americans. He seemed to enjoy his 'new' name and now as an adult it is surprising that he still uses that 'new' name as his own back in his own country.

I am very sensitive about avoiding giving personal slights towards other people but I'm sure I am guilty of doing that unintentionally.

But having our T's do it or forget parts of our story is a tougher thing to handle. Although it has been mentioned that the interaction in the 'here and now' with T's is the essential part of our therapy (and I agree), it still is important, I believe, that they remember what we've told them about ourselves and our lives.

i am sorry, i thought him forgetting about your parents was sad and the hilarious part when you said if stick your foot in your mouth t would forget so you wouldn't have to be embarrassed..
sorry for the confusion

sending safe hugs

[learning1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Forgetfulness can be irritating from a T. I hate when T doesn't remember what we worked on the week before, or when he says we are going to do something next week...but never do it. Sigh. I usually let it slide, but it's definitely not good for me.

I had that thing with a former t suggesting we could do something the next week and then never bringing it up. I got pretty frustrated and felt like there was no direction. I did ask once if she remembered what we'd discussed the previous session and she did. Then I started to think she wanted me to direct the topics more than I did. I was frustrated with the lack of direction and several cancellations in a row to the point I stopped seeing her. But w the next t I did have some productive sessions where I directed things a lot more. Anyway, you said your t is actually forgetting and I think that would be annoying. I think maybe t's who know they don't have good memories should make more effort to write things down after the session or something. I have to admit I don't have a good memory either, so I can understand not remembering everything, but there are limits.

Originally Posted by Elli-Beth

I first saw my T eight years ago when there were 3 major traumas at the same time. It was a short course of therapy so I could just hang on and get my life back on track, then I didn't see him again until 6 months ago when one if the issues came back. Now we're doing long-term work to make sure it never comes back.

Anyway, after we started up again it was obvious he didn't remember the other two traumas, and he'd since switched offices and the old records had been destroyed. So one of the traumas I had to remind him about and the other one is still not mentioned. In a way I'm glad his memory is bad, because it's almost like I get a fresh start, but then a part of me is all"Ugh... I can't believe I have to tell him all over again"

And my T has also used the phrase "impressionistic memory" to describe himself

That's too bad, Ellie. I think t's should take more time to keep notes sometimes.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Also names matter. My past T misspelled my name in an email to me and it pissed me off because he wrote it as a another name. Anglicizing it to boot. Like let's say my name was Lu Shen-- and he wrote Lucy (that's not my name.. just an e.g.). It's arguably a huge difference in who you are. That wouldn't piss me off but someone I'm working closely and write checks for on a weekly basis should not be making that mistake.

Anyhooo!! Haha, I don't wanna derail the thread... a T forgetting your cat's name is ok. Them forgetting your marital status or important details of your upbringing is not.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

It didn't! I'm not like militant about it but I like my name (and really don't care for the English version of it).

I can't tell if I'm following you lyib. I think your "It didn't" was in response to my "Anglicizing a name could show insensitivity," right? You mean when your t Anglicized your name it wasn't due to insensitivity in his case? But you were pissed off about it because he wrote it as another name (not because it was Anglicized)?

Originally Posted by jbmomg

i am sorry, i thought him forgetting about your parents was sad and the hilarious part when you said if stick your foot in your mouth t would forget so you wouldn't have to be embarrassed..
sorry for the confusion

sending safe hugs

haha, no need to apologize jbmong! I appreciated your comment. I was kind of apologizing for making you sad since it wasn't actually bothering me that he forgot. But I see that it could sound sad.

[Can't Stop Crying]

My T is good at remembering the general topics, but sometimes forgets the little details. It is frustrating to me, but I have to remember that my view on the "importance" of a detail can be very different than his view. He has even asked why "this" is bothering me so more than "that" regarding details. He also said that he focuses a lot on the mood of the session. He has never really forgotten anything major, it is hard sometimes to repeat the specific details of a trauma memory that I'm struggling with when he has remembered other details from the same conversation. Not sure if I'm making sense...it's just some of the things I really struggle with seem minor when you look at the whole picture, I don't really "choose" what element is holding me back and sometimes he is surprised that out of the context of the whole story, I've managed to resolve what he views as the biggest obstacle and am stuck on something that he thinks was less traumatic.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by learning1

I can't tell if I'm following you lyib. I think your "It didn't" was in response to my "Anglicizing a name could show insensitivity," right? You mean when your t Anglicized your name it wasn't due to insensitivity in his case? But you were pissed off about it because he wrote it as another name (not because it was Anglicized)?

Ah, it was just the once, that's what I'm trying to say, to when you said "i hope it didn't happen again." We fixed it. There was no secret therapy nickname after that, T learned (after some months!) how to spell it the regular way.