[Protoform]

If I tell my therapist that I was ridiculed in high school and made of but he/she doesn't take me at face value and instead asks me a lot of questions as if expecting him/her to prove that it really happened and implying that I am stupid/deluding/exaggerating, do I argue with him/her, do I cry and beg him/her to believe me, or do I leave his/her office? If I should leave his/her office, do I slam the door, do I gently close it, or do I leave it open?

[venusss]

sometimes we tend overexaggerate and make things bigger deal than they were. So questioning our experiences and perceptions is not necesarily a bad thing.

And sometimes we misinterpret or overinterpret something the therapist says or does because we have an expectation of not being believed due to past experiences. Just keep exploring the topic with your t. Sometimes we have to go over things many times to get to the heart of the issues.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

sometimes we tend overexaggerate and make things bigger deal than they were. So questioning our experiences and perceptions is not necesarily a bad thing.

I was bullied in high school and I experienced a lot of pain as a result of that bullying. I am a grown up man and I still have flashbacks about that personal experience.

So what if a woman goes to therapy and wants to talk about the time she was raped. Is it ever okay for the therapist to imply to the woman that she is making up the rape story, that maybe she misinterpreted or exaggerated something?

[Liam Grey]

You don't overexaggerate something like bullying. You were bullied, or you were not. It is not something a therapist should doubt.

I was bullied as well at school and if my T would have responded like yours, I would have argued, and then, if not believed, I would have just leaved without making a scene. Nonsense going for having support on a senstivie topic like this only to have your words doubted. But luckily nothing like this ever happened to me in therapy.

You use words and phrases describing your therapist like "as if," and "implying" which leads me to believe you may be misinterpretting your therapist wanting to discuss your experience in detail or asking you a lot of questions as ridicule or disbelief. You don't come out and say that your therapist actually said he didn't believe you. And our therapists do work with us to try to see what happened to us in as objective eyes as we can find. That doesn't mean they don't believe us. That is just part of what we go through to heal. It is not unusual to have an expectation that we won't be believed. It is not unusual to take our own internal sense of guilt or shame or anger (that we may not be fully aware of) and make assumptions that everyone who hears our story, including our therapist, is going to blame us for what happened.

Rather than run away from this feeling. Talk to your therapist about how you are feeling like you aren't being believed. Work with the therapist to explore where those feelings are coming from.

Originally Posted by Protoform

If I tell my therapist that I was ridiculed in high school and made of but he/she doesn't take me at face value and instead asks me a lot of questions as if expecting him/her to prove that it really happened and implying that I am stupid/deluding/exaggerating, do I argue with him/her, do I cry and beg him/her to believe me, or do I leave his/her office? If I should leave his/her office, do I slam the door, do I gently close it, or do I leave it open?

If your therapist was asking you questions, it may have been just to get more information abou the situation, not to question the validity of your statements.

you said implying that you were stupid/deluding.exaggerating...so your therapist never said they didn't believe you or thought you were doing those things? did you just feel like that because of the questions?

I know sometimes my therapist asks me more questions to get more details about what happened...and the questions are uncomfortable, like in the case of bullying (which happened to me) the specific details would cause me a LOT of discomfort to answer, but i've never felt my therapist didn't believe me.

Before you leave the room, I would make sure you are right in your assumption that this person doesn't believe you.

If you feel like you need to leave, I would simply say...

I'm not comfortable with this conversation so I'm going to leave now, and walk out. Leave the door open.

[eskielover]

Maybe your T was just wanting more information on it....getting you to talk about it & what happened deeper to get a better understanding. Asking questions get that more information....which is good because it gets you talking about it from inside.

Answering questions doesn't always mean that they are questioning you....questions are a way of getting deeper information out of the person so they can understand & help at a deeper level.

I understand how the questioning can really hurt...& feel like being doubted.....I had an experience with my pdoc while I was in the middle of a trauma where the home care person was abusing my mother & I was right in the middle of it wondering what in the world was happening to my mom & me. I had so much stress & had been sick with an asthma attack....I had been loosing a lot of weight....sort of like anorexia.....so my when I called my pdoc for help, he was telling me that when you loose weight you don't always see things clearly..... I was seeing everything & trying to put the pieces together....the home care person ended up calling the police on ME that I was the one abusing my mother......when it was her all along....I finally was able to get her out of the house & my mother to a safer place.....but the nightmare left me with horrible PTSD symptoms.......my pdoc couldn't even really help while I was right in the middle of the trauma....& neither did my psychologist......it really hurt that they tried to brush it off as something it wasn't & put the blame on my own condition......so I understand how you are feeling. Unfortunately, I took the whole situation to our local police & they investigated the woman....but she disappeared & they couldn't come up with enough evidence to arrest her because I was too good at protecting my mother. None of the checks written by her came in because she knew I put a stop payment on them....they never found the stolen jewelry & the stolen credit card....they never prosecute. The fact that she od'ed my mother on her morphine even though she was taken to the ER couldn't be proved because they didn't test my mother for what was in her system.....

yes, the whole thing hurts....no, we don't exagerate what happens....facts are facts in what happens.....separating facts from emotions sometimes helps to prove that it was bad....but it is our emotions & how we react to the situations that are the key to what is needing to be treated in therapy. If our emotions have made it seem worse than it really was based on the facts...they helping us to regulate out emotions is important.....treating the trauma that we have experienced no matter if there is any exaggeration or not....needs to be focused on.

[sunrise]

I think it's important to discuss with your T that you feel ridiculed by him/her and that you think he/she is implying you are stupid/deluded/exaggerating. See what he/she says. It's a way of checking your assumptions. If T says "yes", than it may provide a reality check for him/her that he/she is not being therapeutic. If T says "yes", this may also help you decide if you wish to continue therapy with him/her.

[Marie123]

I agree with Sunrise. Unless you ask good questions, you cannot know for sure what is going on. TELL him what you think he is saying or what you perceive/THINK he is thinking about what has happened to you.

And that you are FEELING he doesn't understand or believe you.

A well-trained, ethical therapist will WANT to hear what is going on with you and your feelings. Unless you tell him, he cannot respond and help you.

[kitten16]

Wow, that is SUCH a good analogy.

Your post really jumped out at me, because I had a similar problem with a recent therapist. I told him about my bullying and other episodes in a very painful childhood and adolescence. For the first few months, he flat out didn't believe anything I told him. He kept saying: "I don't buy it!" He said that to me over and over.

I knew something was wrong. There I was, making myself vulnerable enough to enter a therapist's office and open up about extremely painful things - and the guy was flat out dismissing me, even calling me a liar! I was baffled and worried. I called him on it again and again. I asked him if he was genuinely lacking in compassion, and wondered why he was unable to identify with me. He never responded to that, or would just come up with some therapisty crap like, "Why are you asking me that?" I even asked him if what he was doing to me was a therapeutic technique. I figured I could handle that, if I just KNEW that that was what he was doing. But I needed to know. He sat closemouthed, gave me no answer.

I told him I wasn't going to be able to continue therapy unless he started to believe what I was telling him.

We saw each other for a year and a half before I called it off in exasperation. I still don't know what his problem was. I have a good job and a nice husband, and on paper I look great. I'm well groomed and I appear successful. But what do they say in AA - don't just your insides by other people's outsides? Inside I've been dying for years, and I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I needed a therapist's help in exploring old wounds that just wouldn't go away.

The straw that broke it for me was when I told my therapist that I had skipped every high school gym class in order to avoid being bullied there. Fortunately it didn't prevent me from graduating - the office employee said it was too much work for her to deal with it, so she let it go and I got my diploma.

My therapist looked at me and said, "So that was your way of avoiding reality, of avoiding emotion?"

It just shocked me - he was blaming me for trying to avoid the pain of being bullied! I couldn't f'ing believe it. He ALWAYS defended other people in my life, and that was just the last time I was going to listen to him do it. It still blows me away to remember it, and I'm so angry that I didn't tell him to go to hell right then and there. But that was my last session, I never went back.

In your case, Protoform, I'd say it'll be a red flag if your therapist's disbelieving reaction to you continues, and becomes a clear pattern. That's when you should call them on it. You don't have to be aggressive, but just tell them that you're wondering about the lack of understanding. Ask if it's a therapeutic technique that's being used. Say that the technique is making you uncomfortable, and you'd do better with a warmer, less dismissive approach. You could even use the relationship line of, "It's not you, it's me." Say you need your therapist to believe you if your therapy is to continue. Give them a few more chances.

And if they screw up again - TO THE CURB!

Good luck!

Originally Posted by Protoform

I was bullied in high school and I experienced a lot of pain as a result of that bullying. I am a grown up man and I still have flashbacks about that personal experience.

So what if a woman goes to therapy and wants to talk about the time she was raped. Is it ever okay for the therapist to imply to the woman that she is making up the rape story, that maybe she misinterpreted or exaggerated something?

[ECHOES]

"If"....

Does this mean that you did tell your therapist this, and this was the reaction?
Or is this something you are thinking about?
I'm not clear after reading your post.

Are you thinking about telling your therapist and worrying about being believed?

[BlessedRhiannon]

I've never had my therapist not believe anything I've told her. She has questioned my perception of events, and asked for clarification of events, but never doubted that what I'm sharing is how I perceived something. I think that's the important thing, though...it is how I perceived an event. I think for a theraputic relationship to be effective, there must be trust on both sides, otherwise, it just doesn't work.

Your post is very hypothetical, though, so I find myself wondering if this is something you've shared and didn't understand the T's reaction, or if it's something you're thinking about sharing and are afraid of what the reaction might be. If it is something you already shared, and you felt that your T was disbelieving, then I would suggest asking your T to clarify. Check your perceptions against reality by asking. Mind reading is an easy trap to fall in to, especially about things you are particularly sensitve about. If it's something you're still just thinking about sharing, then you have to trust your relationship with your T, and trust that they will believe you.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You use words and phrases describing your therapist like "as if," and "implying" which leads me to believe you may be misinterpretting your therapist wanting to discuss your experience in detail or asking you a lot of questions as ridicule or disbelief.

Sometimes a chicken is a chicken. If a therapist looks at me with a stupid facial expression and changes his tone of voice, if he asks me to prove things that I cannot prove unless we both travel back in time or I show him a video, I wonder if he is not taking me at face value.

That's not the type of compassionate response I'd expect from a person who wants to help me.

If you can't see why that type of response could be upsetting to a person who is already hurting then there is not talking to you.

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

If your therapist was asking you questions, it may have been just to get more information abou the situation, not to question the validity of your statements.

And what if I get nervous or what if I lack the mental capacity to articulate my thoughts at that moment in time and the therapist "is lead to believe" that something doesn't add up. Do I accept his judgement and delude myself into thinking that I was never bullied/hurt in high school?

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

you said implying that you were stupid/deluding.exaggerating...so your therapist never said they didn't believe you or thought you were doing those things? did you just feel like that because of the questions?

Because he asked me to prove something, I couldn't prove it, and he responded by sighing and throwing his arms up in the air.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by eskielover

.it really hurt that they tried to brush it off as something it wasn't & put the blame on my own condition......so I understand how you are feeling. U

That's horrible and I feel very sorry that happened to you. I believe that you more than understand the type of pain I felt when I was doubted about something that has caused me so much pain.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by kitten16

Ask if it's a therapeutic technique that's being used. Say that the technique is making you uncomfortable, and you'd do better with a warmer, less dismissive approach.

So you didn't like his sadistic approach, and now you want this "person" to pretend that he feels compassion for you?

If he truly felt compassion for you he wouldn't have hurt you so badly and so unnecessarily, would he?

I wish I could SUE these mother******.

[dizgirl2011]

Protoform, you use the example of a woman saying she was raped. But if a woman went to a therapist and said " I was raped" do you expect the T to just sit and say nothing - how would that help her? You are implying that by asking questions your T is not believing you?

What was it about his questions that made you feel like you weren't believed?

I cannot help but wonder if therapy is right for you because a few months ago you were extremely angry that your female therapist didn't warn you that you 'may' develop strong feelings for her and because she didn't feel the same way, you believed she was intentionally hurting you. Now you want to sue the T who asks you questions about your experience of being bullied? If you don't want a therapist to take part then why go to someone to talk about it?

I'm sorry if I sound cold but, as before, you basically fight people's rational thinking of the subject in an argmentative way and your arguments back often are not rational but angry statements.

I don't think therapy will help you until you can accept that other people have opinions that don't match yours and that sometimes you are wrong.

I think anger management may be helpful for you before getting involved in therapy.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Protoform, you use the example of a woman saying she was raped. But if a woman went to a therapist and said " I was raped" do you expect the T to just sit and say nothing -how would that help her?

I would expect the therapist to offer support, help the patient forgive, and perhaps even help the patient see the positive. I would not expect the therapist to doubt the woman's rape story or to ask her to prove that she was raped.

You are implying that by asking questions your T is not believing you?

The problem is also the confrontational manner in which the questions are asked and the disregard for my feelings. Obviously the therapist's approach caused me pain (do I have to prove this to you or can you take my word?) so he did not do something right and he did not help me. I still deal with traumatic memories of my high school experience and the way the psychologist treated me only adds salt to the wound. I did not receive the support I was expecting to receive. I felt very sad and disillusioned with therapy.

What was it about his questions that made you feel like you weren't believed?

The way they were asked. The psychologist's demeanor. The fact that the psychologist second guessed the fact that I was bullied in high school. I am not going to waste my time attempting to prove anything to anyone. I was bullied in high school and endured a lot of pain as a result of that bullying. That's a fact and if someone doesn't want to believe it they don't have to believe it. However, I am not going to pay a therapist to give me that treatment.

I cannot help but wonder if therapy is right for you because a few months ago you were extremely angry that your female therapist didn't warn you that you 'may' develop strong feelings for her and because she didn't feel the same way, you believed she was intentionally hurting you.

I never said that I believed that she was intentionally hurting me. She hurt me, but I never said that I believed she did it intentionally. I was angry at her because she failed to warn me about what could happen to me if she treated me the way she treated me. I was angry at her because she did not treat me differently, that is, in a manner that was likely to prevent the attraction from occurring.

Now you want to sue the T who asks you questions about your experience of being bullied? If you don't want a therapist to take part then why go to someone to talk about it?

I am asking myself that question. Maybe therapy is not for everyone.

I'm sorry if I sound cold but, as before, you basically fight people's rational thinking of the subject in an argmentative way and your arguments back often are not rational but angry statements.

Second guessing a patient and treating him as though he were a liar/delusional even though you know absolutely nothing about him is not the most rational way to do "therapy."

I don't think therapy will help you until you can accept that other people have opinions that don't match yours and that sometimes you are wrong.

Who is to say all opinions should be respected? If a person's opinion is based on poor reasoning and assumptions why should that opinion be respected?

I think anger management may be helpful for you before getting involved in therapy.

Isn't anger management itself a form of therapy? Why would I want more punishment?

[dizgirl2011]

Protoform: I believe you were bullied, I believe you were deeply traumatised, I have no reason to not believe this, I feel for you as no one should ever be bullied and have to go through that pain. I don't need proof, I don't ask for proof and I don't want proof that your therapist acted in a way that you feel hurt about. I can clearly see you're hurt.

What about group therapy?

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Protoform: I believe you were bullied, I believe you were deeply traumatised, I have no reason to not believe this, I feel for you as no one should ever be bullied and have to go through that pain. I don't need proof, I don't ask for proof and I don't want proof that your therapist acted in a way that you feel hurt about. I can clearly see you're hurt.

Why couldn't the therapist just tell me what you just told me?

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by Protoform

Why couldn't the therapist just tell me what you just told me?

not all therapists are a good fit for all clients. maybe this therapist simply didn't see that you required this approach. is it possible for you to look elsewhere for a therapist that can give you the help that you deserve?

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Protoform

Why couldn't the therapist just tell me what you just told me?

aww

[kitten16]

sorry, need to delete

[kitten16]

Yes - exactly, I should have realized much sooner that there was no compassion to be had. I'd had boyfriends like that too. At the time there was a self-help school of thought that you should show your partner how to treat you. As in, if you don't like his reactions, open up the dialogure and ask for what you want.

So the therapeutic advice in these books would be to go to your parner and say, "Hey, what you're doing is hurting my feelings. I assume you didn't know that before. So now that you know this, would you please not insult me/criticize me for every little thing/laugh at my pain/dimsmiss me, etc."

But that NEVER WORKS, because the person who has a need to hurt you, has a need to hurt you. You can tell them to stop forever, and it doesn't have any effect.

I've discovered so many parallels to relationships in therapy. My therapist totally lacked sympathy from the start, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I thought, optimistically, that his behavior was a therapeutic mask, and that if I could move it aside, I could reveal the compassion hidden beneath. I finally realized that there was nothing masklike about his lack of compassion at all. It was the truth! He was toxic and empty inside, just as he seemed to be on the outside. Whaddya know! I told him (in essence) to take his tough-love crap and shove it. That just doesn't work for me.

What baffles me is why toxic, empty people are attracted to a profession in which they have to not only demonstrate, but FEEL, compassion for their clients. I'll never get it

Originally Posted by Protoform

So you didn't like his sadistic approach, and now you want this "person" to pretend that he feels compassion for you?

If he truly felt compassion for you he wouldn't have hurt you so badly and so unnecessarily, would he?

I wish I could SUE these mother******.