When T is "Too Busy" to Reply

Hi Sittingatwatersedge,

I felt very sad as i read your post. I can completely understand why you felt hurt and disappointed when your t didn't respond to the message you left her, which obviously showed you were in pain and struggling. Did you get a chance to ask her why she didn't respond? Is there any chance that she may not have gotten the message or was out sick?

I can understand too your feeling like, since she failed to respond to you when you needed her, it left you feeling kind of deflated and questioning the validity of the relationship and the work you've done together thus far.

I hope the two of you were able to talk about it in a way that eased your hurt. Please let me know!

Venushalley,

Yes, i did end up googling it myself and finding my answer.

Venushalley,

I understand your point about having a customer come with a question they could easily answer themselves. But my question was what attachment type do i have? I wanted to know from her because she's the professional. I did look up the info, but i could still only guess from the standpoint of being a client without that psychological training and the ability to look at myself objectively. I am actually not 100% sure that i found the right answer.

The other issue is what you said about other people who have "more important issues." From a superficial standpoint, it may look like my question was unimportant compared with other people's requests. But my emailing her that question involved alot more than simply wanting an answer to a question. It's tied in with my need to feel connected and my deeper issues of feeling unimportant and worthless. If my t were to conclude, as you did, that other people's concerns were "more important," that would pretty much verify my worst fears about myself. Which is what happened.

Hi again Venushalley,

I don't understand. If my t would have replied to my email by answering my question, how would she be accommodating my bad perceptions?

I do understand what you said about training for the real world though. I think you mean that in the real world we don't always get the response we want from other people. Is that what you mean?

You know, we haven't worked directly with the self-worth issue. Maybe that is something i should bring up with my t. I can see how my self-worth is really way down there. If it wasn't, i probably wouldn't feel hurt so easily.

Peaches, after reading your response, I think I want to take back some of what I said. I suddenly can see how my response could come across very similar to what you experienced as a child, and I didn't mean to do that. I know you want your T to respond and who wouldn't? I get that. And I get that it triggers you when she doesn't respond the way you want. But I think that if you depend on her to not trigger you, you will continue to feel triggered at least some of the time because people are human and they won't always respond the way we want them to. And it doesn't mean that they think you are unimportant. Not at all. That is your conclusion though. What other evidence do you have that you are cared about and important to T? My T has ADD, and she can be quite absent-minded and inattentive at times. I forgive that because of all the other evidence that she cares. Yes, at times I get angry because i am also human and want her to pay attention. But i have known her a very long time and i know that i am important to her. She has proven that to me time and time again, so I don't get triggered when she screws up once in a while.

I'm sorry for saying that your T might be busy or not feel like responding. I can see how that is exactly how you must have felt as a child. Even if she was busy, it doesn't mean you are unimportant to her.

Hi Treehouse,

Thanks for mentioning the self-modeling. I can see how my t is showing self-care by drawing a line when she is too busy to respond. Maybe if she didn't do that, she would be so inundated with messages from clients that she would be working overtime every night just to get everything done. I know she has a semi-new boss who expects her to do more documentation than she did previously.

I haven't emailed her at all this past week. I haven't had any communication at all with her since my session last Wednesday. I have my session today. I don't know how i feel. I guess i'm proud that i made it a week without emailing my t. It's good for her because i'm not bugging her. But it has been really hard going through the week without any emails. The past two days especially i've had to really keep distracting myself and have felt like crying twice.

I know my feelings don't fit with the present. I'm not being abandoned or in any kind of danger. I've made it through the week. But i just feel this awful emptiness inside! I'm used to the emails making it go away. I don't want to deal with these feelings.

you are sweet to ask, Peaches. Yes, I did hear from her. she left me voice mail (this is how we normally communicate between sessions) on day six.
one, she had surgery after I saw her and had been recuperating with a family member, not at home
two, she got my message but when I left it - in tears - I failed to mention my phone number (duh) so she didn't have it till she got back to where her files were.
three, she was very concerned about me and wanted to assure me that I had been in her prayers every day.

I felt like a little worm. Well, if I needed to learn one more time not to read negative things into people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy, I got another lesson, all right. The only question remaining, why the **** does she put up with me?!

This says a lot! A LOT!