When T is "Too Busy" to Reply

I know I've posted about this before, but it's still bugging me. When we email our t's with a simple question, why can't they give a simple answer, even if they are busy? For example, my t said something last session about me having (probably) disorganized attachment as a child.

So this week (on Monday), since it was still on my mind and I wasn't seeing her again until Wednesday, I emailed and asked t what disorganized attachment is, and is that what i still have? She replied that she would have to get back to me later about it because she was very busy. All of Monday went by, all of Tuesday, and this morning, still no reply from t. By now, I figure she's just going to wait until my session this afternoon to answer my question. But it BUGS me. . .

I know i should not take it personally because people DO get busy. But I still hear it as "Everything I am doing from Monday morning until Wednesday afternoon is more important than you and your question. I won't even take 5 minutes of that time to address your concerns. I will talk to you about it next time I see you."

OK, she's busy, I get that. But it's hard for me to believe that when i send her an email, she can't take 5 minutes or less to give me a short answer to my question. I know email is a pain in the butt and it takes time away from your job. But I have a job where I get phone messages and email from clients every day. If one of my clients leaves me a phone or email message and asks me something, can I say. . ."I'm too busy to talk to you about this right now. I'll have to get back to you later" and then wait for 3 days or more to return their message?? Or do I say, "I see that we have a meeting together scheduled for next week. I'll talk to you about it then." How many clients would put up with that? How many would continue to be your clients? I know my boss would also be ticked off. Answering messages and client inquiries is part of my job, regardless of how busy i am that day.

I guess I'm just saying that yeah, it's a pain returning email messages sometimes. But it seems like the right thing to do, not to make somebody wait for days to find out something they are concerned about.

Am I wrong to think this way?

I don't think you're wrong at all. When I first started seeing my T, she offered me email as a way to stay in touch between sessions. All was good until I emailed her a very long email full of questions...and she never replied. Next session, I told her that is an issue for me, if feels like rejection, like I'm not important enough to warrant a response. If she can't sufficiently answer the questions in an email, I at least need some kind of response. It has never happened again...she has always replied to every email I send, even if I tell her no reply is necessary. If I ask a specific question, and it has an easy, specific answer, she will reply in email. If it needs actual conversation, she will call me for a brief talk, and then suggest we address it in session. After that first mishap where I never heard back from her after an email, she's never failed to respond in a helpful manner.

While you are waiting could you find some of those answers out for yourself? If you plug in 'disorganized attachment' into your web browswer you will get a wealth of information about what it is, what causes it and how it affects people.
Alternatively, you could wait for your T to have a gap in her schedule to direct you to that information.

I don't think you are wrong either- it's totally understandable- T didnt do something that she told you she would and that hurts us. I'm right in the same place as you- I emailed T Monday telling him some things- I didn't want a length response, just an acknowledgement that he had read and I had been heard. I heard nothing until he text me tonight telling me he had to reschedule my appointment by half an hour due to a "longstanding appointment he overlooked when booking my appointment last week". I am on a continuing appoinment and T clearly doesn't know that. In fact I just sent him an email telling him how I feel about him not responding to that particular email, similar to what BlessedRhiannnon said to her T . No doubt we will talk about it in T tomorrow because I know he won't repsond!

I wish that if T hasnt got time to respond that he would tell me, then I would know what to expect. They say its ok to email/call/text and then dont respond, for whatever reason, and I think that causes more pain. I really think it would be helpful for you to address this directly with her- so that she can give her side of it, and so that you now what to expect in the future.

I totally agree with you on this one, Peaches. Working in the field of education, I cannot ignore notes, emails, voicemails from parents. We are required (or strongly encouraged) get back with them within 24 hours.

I have 26 students which can mean 52 parents, and then grandparents on both sides that my get involved. These days, children are living with parents who are divorced and they are shuffled back and forth. My point is that I can have a number of family members involved in one of my student's lives. It can get hectic, but I do my job and return the call/email.

I know that therapists are busy, but isn't it part of their job to be there for their clients?? Yes, there are clients who need very strict boundaries. But, if your therapist says it is okay to email, then they need to make themselves available within a reasonable amount of time.

I am lucky that I don't run into that problem very often. If she cannot give me a full response, she will acknowledge my email and tell me she will get back to me later.

Communication outside of a therapy session should be a part of the package, IMO. We pay a LOT of money to be in therapy. I think they need to make themselves available to communicate with us.

Peaches, I think your T should establish better boundaries around her email communication with you as you are getting hurt due to your unfulfilled expectations. The question about disorganized attachment seems like one that could be asked in session, rather than something a person needs to know immediately, but maybe it was indeed critical for you? If so, maybe the urgency of your need to know was not apparent to your T. Also, she may be trying to get you to go with fewer emails between sessions, and so she waits until session for what she judges are not critical needs. If the latter, I think she should communicate to you that this is something she would like you to work toward rather than leave you with expectations that are not met.

This business situation sounds like one where you have a salary and as part of your job, you answer phone calls and emails. You are paid to do this as part of your day. I view my business relationship with T as different. I think of it is fee for service, which is only the minutes we are in session together. I do not expect him to call and email me in between sessions in order to maintain a business relationship with me. He fulfills his responsibility to me in those 50 minutes. He also has a responsibility to have me hospitalized if I should be suicidal. Beyond this, he doesn't have to do anything! Another business model extends the professional relationship outside of your face-to-face time but charges for any time spent on you. For example, my lawyer bills me for every phone call or email. Don't like it, but that's her business model and I can go elsewhere if I want something else. I respect that Ts also get to determine their business model. My T doesn't charge for reading or answering my emails but my messages are only on the topic of reschedulings so take very little of his time and don't require him to do any research or worry about wording and being therapeutic by email. His phone calls are now responded to by a third party. This is his model. My daughter's T has a model that includes charging for any phone call over 10 minutes long. I wonder if there would be fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings if your T were clearer about her business model?

I know this is a continuing source of discontent for you with your T and I hope you can discuss it and work it out. I really think your T needs to establish clear expectations and then stick to them. I think you may be feeling hurt because she said she would respond to informational emails between sessions and then she didn't. If she says she will, then she should. Otherwise, don't make promises to the client. Or she could say she will respond to informational emails if she has time, but otherwise she'll address it in session. Then you wouldn't be so hurt. Hope you can work it out.

When my T agreed to allow email he would not promise to read every email or respond every time I asked him to. He said he would read and respond when he had time. For awhile it was very frustrating for me and hard to understand because I was so used to "making time" to meet someone else's needs that I just couldn't see why he was unable to do the same thing. It made me feel like he didn't really care and I wasn't important.
Eventually, though, I realized that just because I always found a way to make time to meet someone else's needs, it wasn't necessarily a healthy thing for me or for the other person. When I looked at it that way I began to see my T's behavior as modeling good boundaries and self-care. He balances his needs with mine -- he never charges extra to read or respond, and like Sunrise said, some T's do charge extra for any kind of between session contact, so now I can appreciate the contact we do have between sessions, because it isn't something he's obligated to do as a T. He chooses to make himself as available as he wants to be, and when he doesn't want to be available to read or respond to email, I can respect that now, and I'm glad he never made promises he would have a hard time keeping.

I completely understand. I get SO pissed off when I send a text to my T asking her a question and it can take her a whole day to respond. How hard is it to actually type "yes" or "no" ??? It takes SECONDS!! I have NO patience for it. It is my biggest peeve with my T.

I also find this extremely frustrating.

I rarely contact my T outside of sessions but twice she didnt reply at all. She almost always takes at least 24 hours or more to repond, unless she wants me - then shes very quick. I think she does it because she wants me to tolerate the feeling of having to wait and any negative feelings that may go along with that. It really annoys me even though really she has every right not to repond. I guess its the oddness of the theraputic relationship, thinking you're close to someone and that, that person would repond the way any other person would do, but they dont.

Honestly, I think if my therapist didn't reply, it'd be sorta mean.
Mine doesn't have phone communication between sessions, as far as I'm aware.
But she usually replies to my emails. (If it takes her a couple days, she replies with an apology too!)
What happens though, when she's out, the administrator of her organisation emails me and says that she's unavailable until <insert day> and I could talk to another therapist if I wanted to.
I usually say nope.
But when I send an email to her, even if it's a couple lines, she always replies with a couple paragraphs.
sometimes I wish she wouldn't oblige my communications like that, but I'm glad she does.

My pdoc rarely replies unless I have a specific question or I'm in danger, had a particularly difficult session with her.. Yes it does feel like rejection but I understand my t has two kids, a hubby, extended family that ALL come before me not to mention the 25 or so other private patients she sees weekly or the patients in the public hospital. She simply does not have time to reply ALL the time and I've never been forward enough to question it.

i think email is a big deal. i think email can cause a lot of harm to clients. that means that i think about my emails. i think about the question and whether i can answer it in email (which doesnt convey body language, tone of voice, etc) or whether it should be addressed in person or even via telephone. the LAST thing i intend to do is just shoot off a thoughtless half-assed email to a client. i value their well-being more than that. i would much rather drop a line saying i dont have a lot of time, but i will get to their question later. and then i make it a point to get to that email later.

also, i dont think the question you asked has a brief response that wouldnt lead to more questions. but maybe im an over-explainer.

((((((((Peaches))))))))

I wonder if you were sending the e-mail as a way to connect with T, rather than to have a question answered, and your disappointment is a result of that lack of connection?

I know that my T really IS super super busy and honestly doesn't have a lot of time to e-mail. And sometimes I really really really want to connect with him between sessions. I want to know he's there, and I want him to remember that I'm here. If I check in with myself and I really am just wanting to connect, I send an e-mail that says "I just want to connect and make sure you're still there". And he'll e-mail back and say "I'm still here". And the connection is there, and it helps.

If I ask my T something complicated (like early in therapy, asking if I had PTSD), T will say that we can make space to talk about it in session. Usually questions like that lead to more questions and I know that T would rather sit with me and take the time that is necessary to really give me a good answer.

It seems like in the past when T hasn't replied, you have told her that you would at least like a response that says "I don't have time to reply right now, but I did get your e-mail". It seems like she heard you and she is giving that to you.

I really really understand the urge to e-mail T. I've learned over time that it helps if I think it through....how will I feel after I send it, how will I feel if he can't reply, etc. Sometimes that helps me realize that all I really *need* in that moment is connection and I ask for that.

How did your session go? Was T able to answer your question??

I find myself very sensitive to the workload a T may have. What if she sees 25 clients a week? Let's say that's 'just' 25 hours of session time. Then, she has to do charting and billing. That consumes another giant portion of her time.

Then let's say that only 6 of her clients email or call her regularly. How much time can that consume?

Then therapists are required to do continuing education for licensure. That eats a chunk out of their time also - maybe not on a weekly basis but it's still there.

Now, unlike much of my job where I can do some stuff on automatic or with less attention, a T has to be extremely alert and attentive the WHOLE time. She doesn't have the luxury to just 'shoot off' an email with a quick answer. Everything she says or writes could have huge consequences for the client.

So, we may believe that it should be no problem for her to reply easily and quickly but I think the opposite is true. She also knows that emails can become public so the pressure is compounded even more that she reply in a thoughtful and helpful way.

Let's try to put ourselves in our therapist's shoes and try to understand that they have time pressures also. Additionally their job is very significant for the health of their clients. I know I would not want such responsibility. So, maybe we can cut them a bit of slack if they don't respond as quickly as we would like.

(((((((((((((( Peaches ))))))))))))))

I think what happens, Peaches, is that your T doesn't have specific rules about emails, so you don't know what to expect. Sometimes she responds in detail and satisfies you, and sometimes she doesn't. There's no way for you to know which way it's going to go when you email. Will she or won't she answer? Why won't she answer if she doesn't? She's made it clear that she will answer when she can, but of course you'd like her to always answer!

I agree with Dr. Muffin that email is a difficult situation for Ts. My T told me she used to agonize over what to write to me because she said it was therapy too, and she didn't want to say the "wrong" thing. You know what happened. She disappointed me and I objected too many times. Now I have to live with her boundaries, which I don't like, but at least I know what to expect so I'm not disappointed. I can write all I want, but unless it's about an appointment change, I get one email back each week and it's a brief one. I wish she would still answer in detail, but she won't.

It seems like Ts vary greatly on how they handle email. There's no right or wrong, just differences. It's like phone calls. I'm sorry you're upset about not getting an answer, and I don't know of a solution. You can't change your T. You can change your expectations, you can ask her if she can make definite rules, or you can just "live with it". I don't know what else you can do. Sorry if this seems blunt, but I'm struggling with the whole therapy relationship right now, and I think it's all crummy!

Blessed Rhiannon,
I'm glad your t understood how important it was for you to get an answer when you emailed her. My t says if she is busy, she will reply that she got my message, but that she can't address it now. I agreed with that, because what else could I do? She was not willing to say that she would answer my questions/concerns if she was busy.

What i want is for her to always give me a brief answer to my question or concern, say, take 2 minutes to give a short answer. . .not just say "Got your message but am too busy to address it."

For example, in this case, I did my own research and answered my own question about what disorganized attachment is. Now I'm no expert, but if I was a t and i had a client email and ask me "What is disorganized attachment?" I would email back, "Disorganized attachment often results from situations where a child looks to their caregiver for nurturing but is also frightened by them. We can talk more about this in your session." OK, so that took me 1 minute to type, if even that. Why can't my t take 1 minute to do the same?

OK, so i know it's intrusive to get alot of emails, and i try not to do that. I used to send very long emails. Now, they are usually short. So i am making progress. But email has ALWAYS been an important thing to me, as a way to stay connected or something, i am not sure what. There is something about needing to hear back and know that she cares enough to be there and respond.

Anytime I have emailed to t and she replied "I don't have time to answer you," it instantly triggers me into the worst abandonment pain from my past. It's not rational, I know. But it feels truly awful!!! I'm not just talking about bad, feeling dissed, kind of peeved. I'm talking about strong, deep, core abandonment pain. It has happened about 4 times this past year. The first couple of times, i spent the whole following session crying about it -- not just because t was busy - per se - but because she knows how sensitive i am to feeling blown off and unimportant. It's central to my core issues.

When she tells me she is too busy to answer a question, rather than just briefly answering the question, she knows full well the kind of pain it is going to cause me. The problem is not so much the behavior of saying "I don't have time," but it is what that behavior induces in me. It feels mean, as though I'm a war vet who has PTSD from being shot at, yet my t keeps setting off fireworks. The bottom line is, i guess i just don't believe that she "can't" take 2 minutes to reply to a concern of mine. She "chooses" not to, and considering my issues, I think that is MEAN. Busy or not, I think she should "take" the time to provide that short reply, knowing it will make a difference between feeling connected or feeling like a piece of dirt.

Maybe i am wrong, but that's how i feel.

I want to say this to my t, but we've already talked about it so many times, and I know it would probably just sound whiny and demanding. She already knows all of this anyway, how it affects me.

Hi Luce,

Yes, I did do the research and found my answer. I guess I'll just have to answer my own questions, rather than ask t and take the chance of her saying she's too busy and make me feel like an insignificant clod for asking.

Hi Chronic,

Well, I feel bad for you. Because if my t is busy, she will usually respond and tell me she is too busy. It doesn't sound like you got ANY response to your message. That would have made me feel even worse! I hope you can talk to your t about this and come up with some kind of agreement.

I don't know what it is -- but if i send an email with some kind of a question or request, and i hear nothing back -- I feel as though i am stretching my arms out and there is nothing to hang onto. Or like i am falling through space, and there is nothing to grab hold of to cushion my fall. Or like i am lost in space, spinning and turning, and there is no foundation under me or any way to ground myself. At other times, if i email and get no answer, or an "I'm too busy to answer," it feels like I am standing next to my t and have asked her for something that i need, and she slaps my face and walks away.

And what is confusing about it is that my t is usually so supportive and nice. In my session, she tells me she cares and wants to hear how i feel. But every so often, when i email her, it feels like she blows me off, which plays right into my feelings of being unimportant and of no consequence, which is exactly how i felt with my parents.

You know, I would feel the same way as you if my T acted that way. If she said she will reply in an email, then she should do that. Don't T's know that we wait with lots of emotion and anxiety for contact from them? I don't have email contact with my T but the couple times I've waited for a return call from her have been some of the most emotionally intense times of my life.

Hi Squiggle,

I'm glad you understand and don't think what I'm wanting is unreasonable. I realize t can't always get back to me immediately. I have no problem waiting a few hours, or even a day or a weekend if i email on a Friday. But if I email a question on Monday morning, and she says she's too busy and will get back to me later, and doesn't do it at all -- then when i go into my session Wednesday at 3 pm, i am going to be upset.

She KNOWS it's a sticky point for me. She KNOWS it triggers me horribly. I just can't understand why she does it. I know she's busy, but it just seems like if she cared about me, knowing what she does about my triggers, then she would be careful not to keep saying that, but make an effort to at least give me a short answer to my question.

((((((((peaches))))))))

I'm sorry this is still so painful for you. I really do want to give you a bunch of hugs

I wonder if this is a boundary of T's that you will just have to learn to accept, instead of wishing it would change? You are interpreting it to mean that she doesn't care about you, when it probably means she doesn't want to answer therapy questions in e-mails when she doesn't have sufficient time. And even though it might seem like sufficient time to you, it might not to her.

I remember earlier in therapy, I really really really wanted T to call and check on me after hard sessions. His boundary is that he doesn't do that. He returns calls, but he doesn't just call out of nowhere. I did feel invisible and forgotten and not cared for. But I really really REALLY understand now that T cares about me very much AND that is a boundary for him. Both are true. He didn't change his behavior for me, because that is how he does therapy, and it just is what it is. But the fact that he didn't change his behavior doesn't mean that he doesn't love me - he does. I had to learn to adjust my expectations.

I wonder if you can recognize that you are triggered and recognize that the fact that you are triggered and the reality of T's feelings aren't necessarily related at all? I know how hard that is...I have been caught in tons of spirals wondering about T's feelings for me. It IS hard, but you can do it. This is something that has been so painful for you for so long. I so wish that you could find some peace around it, because you deserve some relief.
to you.

I think you posted another thread exactly like this awhile ago, which makes me wonder if you have done anything to help yourself not be so triggered by this email situation? It seems like you expect your T to do what you want so you are not triggered. Instead, what can you do to help yourself not be triggered? You know she cares, and you know this is typical behavior of hers with email, so can you tell yourself that instead of jumping to the thoughts that she doesn't care and you are unimportant? It's what you tell yourself that causes the pain. You tell yourself that she must not care and that you are unimportant to her, but all of her other behaviors say the exact opposite! And she told you she was busy..she gave you the reason why she couldnt respond the way you wanted. You always say 'why can't she just...'. Maybe she's tired, she's busy, or she just doesn't feel like it. Maybe she cant give you a proper response in an email. Maybe she knows that nomatter what she writes, it won't be enough? What if she wrote a lengthy response to your question and THAT wasn't enough for you and that triggered you too? It's your responsibility to help yourself not be triggered, even if that means to stop emailing her altogether.