Week 2 with no T!

Week 2 of T being on vacation. Just kinda venting/worrying "out loud."

My biggest concern when my T told me about her vacation and I realized that mine would be right after hers, meaning I'd miss 3 sessions, was not that I wouldn't be able to cope without T. No, my biggest concern was that I would start to pull away from the connection I had with my T, and not be able to pick it back up when sessions resumed. I have a very hard time trusting others, and confiding in them, and the pattern with relationships has been that if I don't maintain contact with someone, I lose that feeling of trust and it's a struggle to get it back. Plus, with my previous two T's, I shared something deeply personal that I've struggled with, and then very shortly after, we had a break of some kind, and then those previous T's never went back to that issue, I wasn't able to bring it up again, and then we ended therapy, and it was left completely unresolved. I'm terrified that's going to happen again, and I don't want it to!

My current T knows of my past experiences, she knows this is a concern of mine. She's reassured me that we will pick up where we left off, she won't forget what we were working on, and if I can't bring it up, she will. I'm trying really hard to trust her on that. She hasn't let me down yet, but I'm still afraid the past will repeat itself. My T even said that I could email her while she's gone so that I can keep that connection going...as long as I understand that she will not be checking emails while she's on vacation.

So, I emailed my T last night. I can totally feel myself mentally pulling away from my connection with her, and I needed to put it in to words, and let her know what is happening. It helped a bit to at least get those thoughts out of my head, in to writing, and sent away. I've gotten used to being honest and thoughtful in my emails to my T...and this one was no different. The difference is that I wish I hadn't been quite so honest. I told her that I've halfway managed to convince myself that this is the end of therapy with her, even though she's reassured me that it isn't, and even though she said she wouldn't let me "fire" her without a bit of a fight. I told my T that I feel like I don't deserve to be in therapy right now, that I don't deserve her time, that I'm just wasting her time and mine. I also told her that I know these feelings are just a defense mechanism...trying to protect me from disappointment. But, knowing that doesn't really help all that much. I'm a little afraid that she'll read my email and agree that I am wasting her time! She's never said anything like that before, and I can't really imagine her doing so...but there's still that fear.

I HATE this!

Long therapy breaks are HARD. Hard, hard, hard.

For me, when I started allowing myself to e-mail or leave a voice mail on a long therapy break, it was kind of a sign that I was willing to try to hang onto the attachment. Because I used to do what you are talking about...pull WAY far away from T, and it took (a bunch of) time to find each other again when he would come back.

Last summer, he was gone A TON and during his last break, I left him a voice mail, and I thought "OMG. I felt safe enough to reach out to T while he's gone". And it was like this a-ha moment that the connection would still be there.

So. There's maybe another spin on it??

I hope the time passes quickly. I know it's really really hard.

Hi BlessedRhiannon,

**huge hugs** I know your therapist will not read your email and think you are right about not deserving support. She knows you are going to struggle with this break and how you are worried about things that have happened in the past and will be glad you are using the email as a way to help you cope.
I know how long 3 weeks can feel. You are doing well hun. She will be back and you will reconnect, even if it takes one or two sessions to get back into that full connection it will still be there when you first meet back up. Remember she isnt abandoning you or not seeing you becuse of any personal reason, shes just taking a holiday and will be back, hopefully refreshed and able to help you even more.

We are here for you during the break xxxxxxxxxxx

Interesting insight...and you're right. I think my email to T was definitely a sign that I want to try to hang on to this connection. Which means, maybe this time the past WON'T repeat itself.

I KNOW, and my T promised that even if I pulled away, she'd help me reconnect with her. But, knowing and feeling aren't always the same. I'm actually looking forward to my own vacation, and I think I'll be fine with not having a session next week (I hope). Hopefully, we'll both come back refreshed and ready to get back to the tough things I've been working on lately.

Sigh - really, really wishing T were not on vacation. I need her guidance today!

In a way, that's a good thing...shows I'm not totally pulling away from my connection with her. But, mostly, it just sucks. I know I could call one of her backup T's, but I don't know them, so I don't trust them, so I wouldn't talk to them.

You are doing great! Just keep being honest with ALL of your emotions.
You can be there for yourself, and you are doing just that. But it is OK to miss T at the same time.

I know how you feel! It is scary being apart from T. My T is out of town for 11 more days (total of 14 days between seeing her, when I usually see her twice a week) and I spent the last two sessions before her trip discussing how I could better cope. We ended up with her telling me that I can still call and leave her messages, and she gave me something from her desk to hold on to while she's gone. That was the most helpful thing to do, as it reminds me that YES she is coming back, and YES she is still willing to work with me. I do know that I'll probably spend the first 2-3 sessions re-connecting and rebuilding that trust, but since I'm aware of it, I don't mind it so much.

(Note, though, this is only after 3 days of her being away, by the time day 10 and 11 roll around, I could be singing a whole different song here!)

I'm glad you emailed her, and agree that that sounds like a good way to keep connected during this time. If anything, it will give her a good glimpse of what you went through while she was gone, as she'll have your email(s) to read as a way to catch up and be prepared for your first appointment back.

it is so hard.i end up not seeing my T a lot do to vacations and holidays.i dont know if i miss her or being able to go and be away from the rest of the world.how are you holding up

I'm facing 3 weeks also without T. She encouraged me to leave her messages. It's not her on a vacation but me. I hadn't thought it would be a problem but the day after my last session, I realized I would have a problem. T suspected as such because she even asked me about it and I said, 'no problem. I haven't thought about it. it should be fine.' She said that's my m.o. - not thinking about it. So, she knew I would have some difficulty.

Since she did encourage me to call whenever I wanted and leave messages and she also encouraged me to let her know when I needed her to call me back, I came up with a plan.

I left a message telling her that the only way I would feel comfortable leaving so many messages is if I considered my messages were one long drawn out therapy session. Since I do all the talking anyway usually, leaving messages is just more of the same. So, I proposed that I would pay her for all the time she takes 'listening' to me while I'm gone. I will pay her for one extra session if I don't go over 50 minutes. If I do, I will pay her more. I will keep track of all the times I call.

I asked her to let me know if she didn't want me to leave so many messages and she hasn't replied in 4 days yet so I guess she is fine with that arrangement. It makes me feel good that I can do that and I don't feel guilty calling so much now.

Has anyone else done anything like that?

BlessedRhiannon, you are doing really well with this!!

Doing pretty good right now. My very difficult day is over! I'm now starting my own week of vacation, so that's a good thing. Went out to dinner with a friend this evening, and relaxed.

When my T is away, the way I deal with it is by pulling away. It's a good way to cope but it doesn't mean it is permanent.
I can feel perfectly fine during breaks, and even question my being in therapy, and when she returns the first session might be a little rough but now I know that we can reconnect, even if it doesn't happen in that first session she's back becuase that first session seems to be where I pout because she was away, so I push her away in that first session. (which we know is about making my voice heard, retaliating, etc)

The fear is there, even if she reassured you, because they are such different things.
The fear may have to be accepted and even embraced for now. Embraced as it's symbol of sorts for the connection that you do have with T: there is fear because you are connected and you do have a relationship. Sometimes these things just have to be tested to change them, as hard as that it. When she comes back then you will have the added experience of being apart, worrying and being fearful, and then coming back together again
With time, these experiences help the next time feel better.