"No" and Wow!

My last session was really interesting, and was around the idea of "No' and what that is about. I can't even remember how we arrived at that, because going in I had no idea what I would like to talk about. I can't remember all we talked about either, but you understand that

We talked about "No" being many things, such as "I have my own ideas about that." and how "No" is used to convince me that there is nothing "out there" in the world for me - that there is plenty out there, but it is not for me. It is pretty automatic. It keeps me in self-exile, in a prison.
We talked about it being developmental, about how a toddler learns that "No" has such power. And that growing up without thoughts and feelings being validated, an internal and automatic "No" can be internalized so that we take ourselves away from our thoughts and feelings. (I used to be sent to my room until I could "stop crying" or "be good" or "behave". I eventually just took myself off, pre-emptively, when I felt like crying, frustrated or about anythig. I made it look like I was doing something else: reading, cleaning, resting. All was tolerated except the resting though because, like feelings, I was only allowed to feel tired if my mother felt tired.)

It was really interesting and my wanting to move came up again (another taking away) and T suddenly said she was having a fantasy about me moving and so she shared it. It was just about what it would be like, and I think she would have liked me to join in but I couldn't. I was too caught up in that she said this and then shared it. Next time, though I want to be spontaneous and join in and take off with it. I almost think part of the reason she did this was to show that it could be done and kind of a how to, because I am so concrete.

I sent an email later that night. She replied briefly, as she sometimes does.

Here is what I sent, with the subject line:
Wow!
Dear T,

Tonight's therapy session was so interesting. I can't believe we talked a whole session about the word "No" and I feel like there is more to talk about and to think about. I didn't want to leave! My regret afterwards, though, is that I couldn't engage in the fantasy [about moving]... that I couldn't be spontaneous and say "Yeah!! That would be.... ". This is just what I imagine spontaneity in therapy to be like, to let my mind 'out' of it's confines, to be willing to dream and imagine and use that to explore. To be excited and say "What if....!"
Thank you for sharing what you were fantasizing. It felt okay, a really good okay. When I've thought of sharing fantasies, it felt like it would be too much or that I was crossing a boundary or not being realistic about the therapy relationship, or something.

The longing for 'mothering' (and/or 'fathering') seems as if it is held onto for good cause; as if it answers to the issue of the automatic "No". Like an unconscious quest to find someone who will come and prevent that automatic "No". Like you do, for me, when you ask me to look at my true feelings to see if I really want to say "No", or when I am pushing something away but you see that I the pushing away doesn't fit with other things I've said. When I'm incongruent. (new word I learned today).
So, that longing that is there--maybe to serve the purpose of telling me what I need - still after all these years it's there. It is something I can provide for myself (as much as I don't want to admit that) and that I think I have been learning to provide for myself, in a small way that I downplay or am not fully aware of. I think it lacks passion yet.

It is part of my own rescue?

Thanks for sharing about your granddaughter too. I love that you noticed that, her wonderment that her mother could have a thought all her own, that didn't match hers.

When I was in the waiting room before the session, I was feeling like I didn't belong and that you might tell me that too. Then it turned into such a great session!

ECHOES

~~~~ and her reply:
Wow back! I'm overwhelmed by your depth of feeling and the insight and expressiveness of your writing.
T

I am not real expressive in therapy, although I have come a ways with that.
I really like the "Wow back!". It just makes me

Again - wow! lol

What a brilliant session! And it is totally evident from your email to T that the session really got you thinking and helped you to look at things in different ways! I think you did brilliantly and I think T's response was actually lovely and very encouraging! It's great when sessions like that happen!

Lovely and brilliant. Please, Echo, I'll just echo your therapist's fantasy making here, think about using this insight and expressiveness to help others. You have a lot to offer!

What a great session, ECHOES! I love the part about the fantasy. I hope you can allow yourself to participate in the fantasy next time. I think it is great way to explore how it would be to not say "no" about moving and that it can help be inspiring and motivating. "Visioning" is an early step in Change.

Also, great email exchange with your T!

It is so great to hear the good stuff - wow indeed.

That is very wonderful! It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself and your T is very impressed by you :-)

Thank you all for your replies.

Actually I feel like we are just scratching the surface here. I'm better at 'knowing' than I am at applying. I can take knowledge and put it on a shelf and never pull it down again. I think that's the hardest part about therapy, making use of what we learn about ourselves.

What I mean is, I can talk the good talk, but sit immobilized instead of walking the walk.

Hmmmm, this sounds familiar...

It IS hard to take those lessons and use them and apply them. But really, really, really I do think the first step is just the awareness. It's not all going to happen overnight. Just the newfound awareness is a huge, ginormous first step. For you, and for me, and for all of us

AND, just wanted to add to T's "wow". "Wow" to her response, too. I loved it!

But you did really good!! I am still amazed that you had the amazing brilliance to organize the knitting group for a second round, this summer. At a time you were struggling, you came right up with a good, healthy, solution that is a win-win many times over!

Is there fear of applying things and putting them into action?

I don't think so. I don't know.. maybe sometimes.

Echoes your session sounded really amazing. I liked the email that you sent to your T as well.