[geez]

Does anyone feel like they are being fake in therapy? What I mean is hiding from something that is so painful you feel like your being a fake to your T?

I feel like I've been wasting my T's time for three years. There is something I want to tell her or explore in therapy and I'm so afraid to (something that's been on and off for three years in my mind). I feel like she will be disappointed or angry with me and I feel like I'm already a failure for not being more honest. In addition to that I feel like what I want to explore/talk about in therapy could ruin my life and I will be the horrible person that I feel that I am. I'm so afraid.

[Indie'sOK]

Yes. yes yes yes yes.

But in a different way, almost in the opposite way, I guess. Like I (unintentionally, of course) exaggerate my problems when I talk about them. Instead of feeling like I'm distracting away from something significant, I feel like the problems I do have are minor, and that I am being "fake" by making them out to be bigger than they really are. Does this make sense? I don't know what this could mean, underneath.

[granite1]

i dont if it is being fake is it is being scared and uncomfortable.i have been seeing t for two years and still am working on talking.maybe you could start with telling T you have something big you have wanted to talk about for years but are realy scared.sounds like you are terrified

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by geez

There is something I want to tell her or explore in therapy and I'm so afraid to (something that's been on and off for three years in my mind).

I feel like she will be disappointed or angry with me and I feel like I'm already a failure for not being more honest.

In addition to that I feel like what I want to explore/talk about in therapy could ruin my life and I will be the horrible person that I feel that I am.

I'm so afraid.

So are you going to bring it up next session?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Indie'sOK

Yes. yes yes yes yes.

But in a different way, almost in the opposite way, I guess. Like I (unintentionally, of course) exaggerate my problems when I talk about them. Instead of feeling like I'm distracting away from something significant, I feel like the problems I do have are minor, and that I am being "fake" by making them out to be bigger than they really are. Does this make sense? I don't know what this could mean, underneath.

I feel that way sometimes. I feel like I need to make things have more meaning than necessary to feel like I have something important enough to say to T in therapy. This one item however that I haven't said feels so big/huge to me. I'm afraid if I say it she will call me on it and then I will be forced to live a new truth. A new truth that could ruin my current life.

Why do I have to be so stupid.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So are you going to bring it up next session?

Yes I am. Perhaps this is me creating smoke and mirrors????? Throwing up drama to distract me from the pain of leaving therapy? - just a random thought.

OK after that random thought maybe I'm now grabbing at straws as an avoidance technique to not face my big fear.

My head is spinning right now.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by geez

I feel that way sometimes. I feel like I need to make things have more meaning than necessary to feel like I have something important enough to say to T in therapy. This one item however that I haven't said feels so big/huge to me. I'm afraid if I say it she will call me on it and then I will be forced to live a new truth. A new truth that could ruin my current life.

Why do I have to be so stupid.

I don't think you're stupid..I think you're scared of this thing and struggling to cope with it as best as possible. And that's all you can do. Therapists know how to handle these types of things. The best thing you can do is to go in there and be honest about it, even if it's scary. Working through the issue makes it less terrifying Keep talking if it helps.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by geez

Does anyone feel like they are being fake in therapy? What I mean is hiding from something that is so painful you feel like your being a fake to your T?

For a long time, yes...because there were two big issues that I refused to bring up. I refused to even acknowledge these issues. I felt like I was being untrue to myself, and dishonest to my T. And, then when I finally did bring up these issues, I felt like I had been dishonest with T for not saying upfront, like in the first session, that I had these issues, because what if she didn't want to help me with them...I'd invested a year and a half with her, and what if she said she couldn't help me any more! Of course, my T accepted those issues, like she has everything else I've told her, and told me she could help me work through them. When I finally did bring them up, it felt like such a relief...I could stop worrying over whether or not to say anything. I could stop biting my tongue to keep from mentioning it. Having my T accept me even after I told her, and having her continue to want to help me, was almost overwhelming.

[geez]

Thank you so much ((Indie)). Talking definitely does help. My T has told me that when we avoid something for so long it makes it feel so big and the longer we take to address it, it can take on a life of its own and make it that much harder to address. I guess it's taken me three years to be brave enough to want to say it out loud. I feel a little bit of relief after reading your post.

And to Sannah and Granite much love back! I don't know what I would do without you all.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by geez

Thank you so much ((Indie)). Talking definitely does help. My T has told me that when we avoid something for so long it makes it feel so big and the longer we take to address it, it can take on a life of its own and make it that much harder to address. I guess it's taken me three years to be brave enough to want to say it out loud. I feel a little bit of relief after reading your post.

And to Sannah and Granite much love back! I don't know what I would do without you all.

awe thanks I agree with your T - we so often make things bigger in our minds, and there's always the fear of T's reaction and both of these combined can make talking about it feel impossible. But therapists have heard all sorts of stuff, and even if an issue should arise, they know to take it to their own counseling or to a supervisor. But don't count on T having this kind of reaction - sounds like yours knows their stuff.

Originally Posted by geez

. In addition to that I feel like what I want to explore/talk about in therapy could ruin my life and I will be the horrible person that I feel that I am. I'm so afraid.

Oh, (((((((geez))))))) I am so EXACTLY right here. After almost 4 years of therapy with T.

I guess I try to be gentle with myself and realize that there was just no. way. I could feel safe enough or have the grounding and coping skills to even KIND of let myself consider "going there" before now.

Right now T and I are talking about talking about it. We've been doing that for at least a few weeks. It's really, really hard. At first, all I could say about it was the MOST general thing (almost just "there is something too scary to tell you"). As of today, we've worked our way up to me telling him about the loop in my head of why talking about it will make me a horrible person who will never be okay again. We haven't come close to saying the words, but dipping into it a little teeny bit more every time and then pulling back out is making me EXPERIENCE that maybe, maybe, maybe I will be able to talk about this without losing myself forever.

Baby steps. What if you just tell T "there is something I need to talk about but it's too scary" and go from there? Go as slowly as you need to.

Holding your hand, if you'll let me. I know how hard it is

[geez]

Thank you (((Tree))) I will be thinking of you at my next appt. in two weeks. I will be brave.

[peridot28]

geez, I understand completely how you feel, but I wouldn't label you as a fake. Don't be so hard on yourself by calling yourself a fake. Avoiding a painful subject is a very REAL human reaction. I would say you/me/we all do this as a protective mechanism to avoid getting hurt, to avoid being embarrassed, to avoid being invalidated and dismissed. My T knew from my first phone call to her last summer that I was looking for a therapist to help me with all the horrible effects of CSA, but it wasn't until the middle or end of January of this year that I completely started to open up to her about all the horrific experiences and memories. She said I had to learn to trust her and know that she was completely on MY side and that she will believe me and not leave me if I shared the worst of the worst with her.

I completely trust her, and yes, I still struggle sometimes with telling her the intensity of the effects of my abuse because of my residual childhood fear of rejection and abandonment, but my T always makes sure that I'm clear about the fact that she isn't going anywhere, that she isn't going to love me any less for anything I share with her, that I'm brave for sharing my pain with her, and that she's very proud of me, no matter what.

What I want you take from my VERY long post is that you're not being a fake, you're being protective of geez. You are probably afraid of what would happen if you shared your secret with your T. I can almost assure you that your T would be so, so proud of you and be honored that you chose to share your pain/secrets with her. You've probably had people in your life who have beat you up emotionally, don't beat yourself up for needing support. It's okay to share and be open about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with your T, no matter how long you've been in therapy. You deserve nothing less than to be heard, and I hear you.

Originally Posted by peridot28

I can almost assure you that your T would be so, so proud of you and be honored that you chose to share your pain/secrets with her.

T has told me so many times that he is so proud of me for telling...and it's so the opposite of what I feel like I deserve/what I am afraid will happen. He makes it GOOD that I told.

It doesn't make it any easier to tell, but it is a relief to find out that there is someone sitting there who not only believes me and loves me, but is even PROUD of me for telling.

You can do this, geez

[geez]

Originally Posted by treehouse

It doesn't make it any easier to tell, but it is a relief to find out that there is someone sitting there who not only believes me and loves me, but is even PROUD of me for telling.

You can do this, geez

((((tree))))
Even if I tell T about a thought of something I am thinking about doing (nothing illegal) or being perfectly frank and real with my feelings no matter how ugly the outside world would view me if they heard the words come out of my mouth?

I feel like if I lose T's support I'm going to lose everything.

Even if. Even if. Really.

You and your T know each other so well after three years. I have told my T some kind of awful things I've done and he hasn't batted an eye, really. He just asks how I feel and we go from there, and he still loves me, and he's still him, and I'm still me.

What if you ask T the very thing you asked me in that post? For me, the safest thing is to talk about talking about it for as long as I need to. Once I've asked every question, talked about every reason I'm scared, talk about all of the things I'm afraid will happen if I tell...something inside me opens up and I start to be able to tell the story a little bit.

[geez]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Even if. Even if. Really.

What if you ask T the very thing you asked me in that post?

For me, the safest thing is to talk about talking about it for as long as I need to. Once I've asked every question, talked about every reason I'm scared, talk about all of the things I'm afraid will happen if I tell...something inside me opens up and I start to be able to tell the story a little bit.

My T has done this with me on one occasion already but it was on something that didn't feel this huge. I will definitely talk to T about why I'm scared to speak the truth and then I will probably just dive right in head first

My next appt is in 11days.

Thank you so much Tree.

[peridot28]

Gosh, I feel like I made my post in vain.

(((((((peridot)))))))

Your post made me remember what a huge deal it is when I tell my T something scary and he says he is proud of me. Your post was full of wisdom and gentleness

[geez]

Originally Posted by peridot28

Gosh, I feel like I made my post in vain.

(((Peridot))) you didn't . I truly appreciate your thoughts and kind words.

I took to heart what you wrote. I too delt with abuse and some of that plays into effect my deserving to feel what I feel.

This time what I have to say to T is different. It's something I would judge myself as being a horrible person (it's not abuse experience related). Not sure if that makes sense?? Sometimes what I write and what I want to say are two different things .

[Salmacis]

I'm new to the psychotherapy thing, but I knew when I went in I wouldn't be able to articulate what some of my issues are - so I wrote it all down on paper & gave it to her. T found it pretty helpful & asked me to keep doing it if I felt I couldn't "talk" about certain things yet.

Don't know if that helps you any, but I wish you luck at your next appt!

[WePow]

It is natural to have a hard time being honest when we are exposed. This can be even more difficult for those who have abuse histories because being honest may have led to even deeper wounds.

Just take things one session at a time. And be honest about not being able to be honest. I found that can really help build trust.

[SilentLucidity]

I totally understand what you mean by feeling "fake." I am still new to working with my T and for the first month I felt "fake" most of the time until I realized it was because for the first time I was finally being honest with myself. Which of course seems odd because it is not the in control me I present to everyone else. I'm working on ways to marry the me in my head with the one I present to the rest of the world. I'm not sure what that ceremony will look like, but I have promised to throw myself a kick @ss reception when it happens - there will be dancing!

Just this week I found something poking out from a dark corner in my brain that I need to bring up with T at some point. My problem is voicing it makes it real and if I just keep it in my head then it remains "just a thought." Typing that makes me feel silly.

[geez]

Originally Posted by SilentLucidity

I totally understand what you mean by feeling "fake." I am still new to working with my T and for the first month I felt "fake" most of the time until I realized it was because for the first time I was finally being honest with myself. Which of course seems odd because it is not the in control me I present to everyone else. I'm working on ways to marry the me in my head with the one I present to the rest of the world. I'm not sure what that ceremony will look like, but I have promised to throw myself a kick @ss reception when it happens - there will be dancing!

Just this week I found something poking out from a dark corner in my brain that I need to bring up with T at some point. My problem is voicing it makes it real and if I just keep it in my head then it remains "just a thought." Typing that makes me feel silly.

(((silent))) I love the idea of having a reception! I have been with T for a while. It's your comment of 'finally being honest with myself' that I'm having a hard time dealing with. T called me to the carpet on a few things during my last session that were very painful for me to hear and I felt like such an awful fake person as a result.

[SilentLucidity]

((((geez)))) When you reflect back on the things your T called you on were they painful because you felt they were grounded in truth? Or just hurtful? Try not to feel awful about it because the pain is just growing pain, right? You're working on growing yourself into the best version of you and it's going to be tough and painful sometimes. We're conditioned to be afraid of the pain so we hide or run from it. Plant your feet - you're doing good work!