Additional Support

I have been doing pretty good in therapy. Except Thursday, I had a panic attack in session. I was overwhelmed with shame. I kinda got through that. I wanted to call my T the next day and apologize, then I just wrote a letter but never gave it to him. I was to embarrassed.

I felt like SI to punish myself for doing that. I don't know why I felt that way. I didn't do anything. But the thoughts were strong.

I am feeling more and more anxious about being off my benzo. 3 days without it.

How do I ask the T about needing more support during this time?

Will I be annoying him if I ask?

Thanks for listening...

((((((Tina))))))

I realized early in thearpy - like in the first couple of months - that I was going to need more support than once a week. I was "telling" for the first time ever, all of these big, big, big feelings were coming up, I had NO healthy coping skills or ways to contain things, and I was just overwhelmed.

I know I e-mailed and asked for an extra session (I just found the e-mail a couple of weeks ago!) and we did end up having an extra session. I think that made him aware that I was really struggling. I don't know if he brought up more frequent sessions or I did, but I ended up starting twice-a-week sessions, and we did that for the next 3 1/2 years. It helped. A lot.

T doesn't want you to suffer. It's okay to need more help. Can you be honest about how you're feeling? Maybe the two of you can brainstorm together and figure out some things that will help.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now

I think he and I can brainstorm, but I have to let him know too. Once we were talking and he said if someone has a hard time, they don't need to act out to get their needs met. Just let us know and we can help. Like he was saying we know there are times were things get overwhelming, but let us know. Does that make sense?

I don't know about seeing him more, although that is an option. Like some people e-mail their T that might be a start.

I might even let the pdoc know on Thursday that I think more support is needed.

I just got to "tell" them. Their not mind readers. I don't think...

Yep. You definitely have to tell them.

I've needed a lot, lot, LOT from T, and when I tell him, he gives it to me (if he can). If I wait for him to "figure it out" it will never, ever happen.

It's scary to ask to have our needs met, but it's worth it.

It's amazing how therapy brings all kinds of things up. It's all about asking and learning how to ask for help. As some of us (me) never asks for help when needed. It's a coping skill, I just don't use enough!

I still do not understand why i wanted to hurt myself after feeling embarrassed about the panic attack? I guess that is another thing I can talk to T about.

Embarrassment is a pretty awful emotion, and I can very much relate to wanting to SI to numb myself to painful feelings including shame. Panic attacks are very real and quite awful...and T is in the business of helping people who endure them...yet I still feel the embarrassment.

(((((((Tina)))))))

Before therapy, I honestly (HONESTLY) didn't even understand that I *had* needs. I started to be aware in therapy that I do have needs, and it scared me and embarrassed me and horrified me and confused me.

Learning to identify my needs and ask to have them met has been a slow, slow, slow, SLOW learning process (it's still hard), but so worth it. Telling T that you need extra support is such a wise and good first step.

And I get the feeling of embarrassment/shame leading to the desire to SI. I haven't used that "coping skill" in a long time, but for a while it was such a "good" way to ground myself, and such a "good" way to punish myself.

You don't deserve punishment. Everyone panics sometimes, and everyone is embarrassed sometimes (even T!). You are okay just how you are. Really.

It is really great that you are three days off benzos. That is a huge part of learning how to cope differently. You must be feeling a lot of rebound anxiety from not having them like usually. That's what my doctor told me when I went off mine. I'm sorry it's so painful right now and YES it is ok to reach out!

Yes, I am feeling so much anxiety. I tapered for almost 60 days and had symptoms. Now off them and feeling the same symptoms! Like it didn't matter that I tapered if I have to go through it again... this is why i need the additional support. Feel like I'm losing it.

I am so proud of you for coming off the benzos! I was on clonazepam (klonopin) for several years and came off of them last fall. I did a taper but still had the nastiest withdrawal. I hope your T is being supportive in this situaton. And yes you now need to look at other methods of coping as you will feel anxiety and all of your feelings with more intensity. AWESOME JOB!! Good luck and things WILL improve.

Keep going! It gets easier!