[rainbow8]

Today was a little different because I've got my family visiting so I've had to be in adult "mode". T wanted to do more EMDR about my brother and the matches, but we didn't. It was funny; she wanted me to light a match and then a candle she always has in her office. The match was a long one, so that was easy. I said I couldn't light the candle because I was afraid the fire would go down the match. She actually thought last session would have cured me! She really believes in EMDR, more than I do.

We ended up just talking about my brother and about my feelings of powerlessness regarding him, and in general. I wasn't expecting to talk about that today. It's important, though. How I can't handle financial matters and I get overwhelmed and feel powerless.

When there was half an hour left she said I have that "look" on my face. She knows me by now! I needed to talk about our relationship a little. A child part was upset when I tried to reschedule my appointment this week and she wrote "I'm totally full Wednesday". That part wanted to have a temper tantrum because she doesn't want my T to see anyone but me! But I got over that by myself and she thought wasw progress!

We talked about what sunrise posted to me about being close to her T even though they don't talk about their relationship. She said that was true. She doesn't disappear. That was my comment that she doesn't disappear; we still have our close relationship no matter what we talk about, and she still cares about me.

I brought my old diary, started when I was 8 1/2. T was amazed by it and wants me to bring it again! I read some entries to her and she looked at some of them. She thinks my daughters would be interested in it but I think they're too busy. I liked sharing it with my T very, very much! I didn't write much about feelings; it's more factual, but there is some about my crushes and some about my fears as well as trials and tribulations of growing up. I enjoy reading what I wrote when I was young, and my T thinks it's interesting for our work. I'm glad I brought it today.

[granite1]

how was it staying in the adult role in therapy.i hope you are having a good visit with family .you all seem so close

[WePow]

(((Rainbow))) Thank you very much for sharing this! That is awesome that you were able to allow your T to read your special journal :-) I know she felt honored!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

We talked about what sunrise posted to me about being close to her T even though they don't talk about their relationship. She said that was true. She doesn't disappear. That was my comment that she doesn't disappear; we still have our close relationship no matter what we talk about, and she still cares about me.

Yay!! Glad you brought that up.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I brought my old diary, started when I was 8 1/2.

That sounds like an amazing tool for therapy. Even if you didn't write a lot about your feelings in it, it can still help your own mind return to those earlier times, and maybe be a catalyst for remembering events and feelings from that time. The first diary I kept was when I was about 11 and I remember writing a lot of stuff in it about boys (starting to enter the boy crazy phase) and I think also some stuff about how awful my mother was. If I could find this diary, I do not think I would want to bring it to therapy. For some reason, the thoughts of my 11 year old self seem embarrassing to me, like I don't want to admit I had those thoughts.

P.S. I have the diary of my grandmother, who is dead. It was during the depression and later the war, and she wrote about stuff like how many jars of peaches she canned that day (she lived on a farm). Even though it was practical stuff, I found it interesting! Maybe your daughters would like to look at it one day.

[rainbow8]

granite: I don't have those yearning feelings for my T like I did last week. I feel connected though. It's good! We talked briefly about the child feelings and that hopefully was enough. I'm not sure because as I write this, I miss her. But I know our relationship is there; it's not going to change, EVER. It's been overwhelming with my family here, to say the least. The kids are adorable but I'm not used to so many people at once in my house.

WePow: I trust my T with all my secrets. That somehow makes me feel good. I brought up something I'm still ashamed of and I blushed, but I still discussed it again because it was in my diary.

sunrise: I'm glad YOU posted what you did about your T relationship and that I told my T. I feel better about it now.

I have a lot about boys in my diary, mostly about how I wished I had a boyfriend during high school. Before that, I wrote a lot about my crushes on a movie star and on my brother's friend. Then there's details about family trips, my grades, and my friends, as well as TV shows and movies I saw. The words of the day like "sharp" and "queer" (different meaning than today). Yes, I've always been nostalgic and sentimental.

I so wish I had my grandmother's diary or my parents. It would solve a lot of genealogy problems. You're lucky to have your gm's diary.

[Elli-Beth]

I have a copy of my great-grandma's diary when she was a little girl riding in a horse and buggy from Indiana down to Florida and it's awesome! That's what started me journaling as a kid.

[dismissed feelings]

Rainbow

So glad it went well!!!!

I still have my middle school and college diaries. I read them a few weeks before I started therapy. I was crying frequently and not sleeping so I looked at them to decide if I felt I was really "screwed up" enough to finally seek therapy and the answer felt like a resounding yes! It could be helpful to look at/refer to them in session sometime to help clarify things so thanks for posting this and giving me the idea!

[WePow]

You are doing so great with all of this. It is hard to be so honest. But it is worth the work. Good job!

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I think it's a GREAT idea that you brought your childhood diary to session with you. I'll bet as you and your t read through parts of it, you will have some good insights! I'm also glad that this week, you've been able to keep that good connected feeling with your t. I hope your visit with your family goes well. It sounds busy!

I sooooooo much regret throwing away my diary from when i was 10 years old! I came across it when i was getting ready to be married. I was going through old boxes of stuff and came across it. I read over parts of it and saw how many problems i was having with my sister and my dad. . .the sad and awful ways i thought about myself and my relationship with them. I felt embarrassed, but mostly afraid that somehow, somewhere, if i kept the diary, somebody in my family would read it and get angry or get hurt feelings. So i tossed it!! I've regretted it ever since, especially after I had my breakdown and entered therapy. It would have been so useful in my sessions. I can't recall now anything that I'd written in it, other than that it was full of pain and worry.

[rainbow8]

Elli-Beth: Wow! That diary may be valuable. Did anyone in your family think of publishing it?

dismissed: I think reading the words of the child or teenager is more accurate than our memories! I'm glad I gave you the idea.

peaches: I remember you telling me about throwing away your diary. It's too bad, but maybe you can recall some of your feelings from then if you try to write about them. Do you have other momentos from the past? I know you had the letter or report card from your favorite teacher. Maybe they can help jog your memory?

Well, I emailed my T a lot last night because I realized how productive my session was! I have a few important issues still bothering me. I know therapy is slow, but it seems like the longer I go, the more there is to work through!

I'm scared about some of the "shame" stuff I brought up in my session, something I don't want to post more details about. I emailed my T twice about it since yesterday because I can't talk about it, and I want to. I think she will do EMDR because I'm kind of stuck and panicky about it. I feel weird and relieved at the same time when I talk about it with her. It feels good to share these fears from the past with my T. I hope I'm not going to feel "too good" about that too. Everything becomes "too good" in therapy. I'm going to accept that it's hard for me to have a middle ground. This isn't about my relationship with her; it's about how it feels to unburden myself.

[PTSDlovemycats]

That's great Rainbow! How was "Adult" mode?? That's something I really need to do a lot more of in therapy...

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Rainbow,

it sounds like you had a very productive session and that you felt really connected to your T! Im really pleased about that!!