[Oleander5]

On the one hand, I feel like my T is giving me a message that supports being patient and accepting of myself, and refers to my progress as being rapid. On the other hand, I feel like her expectations of what I can handle (in terms of being less dependent on her emotionally and in taking on a more active role in self-soothing and self-discipline) are being raised. While I'm sure it's not her intention, I feel un-accepted by this, and as though I have to "keep improving" in order to hold onto her approval. I'm just kind of having a hard time with this.

Also, on the one hand, I'm a very open & trusting person and for the most part this has been very characteristic of how I am as a client. Yet, there is also a definite part of me that keeps insisting on being vigilant for any sign of uncaring intentions.

I feel awful about this as I'm increasingly running out of logical reasons to not trust her, and in fact more reasons to believe she really cares, and yet I keep having these reactions of feeling rejected.

Just feeling vulnerable right now.

[jbug]

I don't like it when my T tells me hey you're doing good keep up the good work because I begin to think what about when I'm not doing good what do I do then. I always begin to wonder is he going to stop being supportive if I start to slide backwards. He never has shown any reason for me to think this but its hard not too. Is this what you are feeling?

Jbug

[Oleander5]

Sort of, yeah. If/when she says things like "you're doing good, keep up the good work" it doesn't seem to trigger it, but in other things. When I feel/notice a subtle shift in the extent to which she coddles me, and I know it's out of trying to gently but indirectly get me to be less dependent on her, I get upset. Even if/when I know she's right to implement the shift and I'm probably ready for it, I feel manipulated and lacking in control over my own rate of progress.

To some extent I almost feel like she's controlling the rate of my progress--or at least, once I know she's begun expecting more from me, that I have no logical choice but to go with it and move forward (b/c it's not going to hurt anyone but me if I don't). But I feel angry. I guess sliding back and that being ok almost doesn't enter my mind.

...I guess the ultimate answer to your question is yes, I feel as though it's not ok to slide back. But I'm not sure if it's an issue of keeping her approval, or of having control over the rate of my progress.

It's like "Damn it, I know you're right and I know better than to do anything but keep moving forward, but that just makes me feel cornered."

I dunno...feeling so much right now... Thanks Janniebug