Dear T...

Dear T...

We never seem to get into what I really need to talk about. I know you need to check on certain things, but I feel like what we do is unproductive sometimes. I wish you'd ask more questions so that I could find answers!
___________________________

Dear T...

What do you write on that pad!!!???

Dear T,

The fact that you have yet to get back to me-when I emailed you on Wednesday evening last week to set up a session for this week-and again today to say I have to cancel this week reinforces my belief that you are not going to be able to be the T I need right now-you are too busy-I'm beyond upset and I just want to hear from you...I feel like I'm starting to shatter into pieces-and I know you won't be able to be there like I need you...I think I'm going to have to end our time together. (and so again starts the cycle) : (

Dear T,

Please don't let anything happen to delay my session Wednesday. I can't believe I only emailed you once, thanks to PC and these threads!

I'm more sure now that we have to discuss love and what it means to me that you said it was "disgenuine" if you said "I love you" to me. There's no way that doesn't hurt me. I covered it up but it came back. I know it's transference that I want others to say those words to me, but it hurts me all the same. Maybe that's why I want to sing about love. I don't know. It's hard to give up what I can't get from you. Sigh...Story of my life, in therapy and out, isn't it?

I love you anyway because you care so much about me!

Hey t,

Thank you for your strength and presence right now. Thank you for keeping me present in session today. Thank you for knowing that right now we need a lot of contact to keep this episode from getting out of hand.

Dear T,
at last, a message from you.
Saying only, I got your message; I will see you for your appointment tomorrow evening.

T.... I remember calling you, once long ago, and asking, are we OK?
and you called back to say, Yes. We. Are. OK.
I sure wish you had said that this time. or... something.

SAWE

Dear T

I love you deeply, but you're not making much sense at the moment! Don't think now's a good time to tell you this, so I'm holding off till you finish your assignment and hoping that things become a bit clearer then...

Dear T,
Yesterday on the phone you told me that you were really pissed at me. And today at my terrible session you apologized and said that you needed to do a better job at observing your limits. I feel like crap for this. I guess what I took from this is that I am really quite difficult for you to deal with lately. I must be too needy and too demanding. I wish I could calm down about therapy, it is sooooo difficult. Right now I am bummed out and in the gutter depressed.

Oh and t I wish that I had another session this week to make this better but I don't and I don't dare write you or email you because I want to observe your limits as well.

Dear T,

I'm scared to see you tomorrow. I want to be able to talk about love. I don't want to spend half an hour trying to talk like last time. Maybe I can just sing my song, but that's probably not gonna happen. I don't want to scribble over paper again. I don't know what I want! Maybe IFS with the parts that love you and the parts that hate the parts that do? Can we do that? We can't do EMDR yet, not after missing a week.

I will be so tired seeing you at 9 a.m. I have to leave earlier because of rush hour. I wish it could be later. I've neve seen you before 11 I don't think!

Dear T,

I really want to start seeing you again, but I'm afraid to call. I really need your advice right now, but you never tell me what to do anyway. Please don't fill up your schedule before I get up the courage to call!

Dear T,
I don't want to leave you. It breaks my heart knowing we have so little time together before I move. You're the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you so much.
Sad,
Crazy

Dear T - looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.
Rainbow - I hope you get a chance to sing!

Are you going to have someone new when you move?

Dear T,

Okay then.

No pdoc, no dx, no new meds.

You said the words, We. Are. OK.

I laid out the nightmarish situation that I have been living through for the [past week and you helped me climb higher so I could see it from a safer distance, where the air is better too.

We both set a goal for the new quarter & I'm already started on it.

how can I say thank you, that doesn't touch how I feel........... thank you.

SAWE

Dear T,

Thank you for taking the time to see me. I was so scared; I'm still scared. I'm afraid you're going to attack me or maybe kick me out. Please be gentle with me.

Thank you for being so nice about the blanket. I worked up the courage to ask you if I could wrap up in the fuzzy blanket that was sitting on your shelf. It helped a little bit. I think I'd like to use that blanket every time I see you.

Please don't move your hands around so much when you talk. It really scares me. I'm afraid you're going to hurt me. When you're talking and the hands are moving, I can't hear anything you say. I'm watching your hands and waiting for them to stop.

-4Redheads

Hi delicatefade, my T and I are going to try phone calls/web chats etc for sessions, so I am not losing her entirely. i will miss seeing her in person as often as I do. thanks for asking.

oh okay that's great I'm glad it won't be cut off completely for ya that would be tough!!

Dear T,

I'm sorry I called you and wrote so many emails this week. I keep wavering between feelings about therapy. My gut feeling is that I HAVE to get as close as I can to you without you pushing me away. I HAVE to talk about love and tears and my singing and feelings for you. I have to get it all out of my system, which no T has let me do. Or, maybe I've never let MYSELF do it. You are the first T I trust to tell ANYTHING to. You are the first T who let me experience what touching feels like with a T.

But there is also the fear that my pattern is simply repeating with you and that makes me feel like the lowest person in the world. I feel like I'm bad and want you to punish me for loving you. I still don't think I'm allowed to love you. I feel like a drug addict.

I don't know which version is the truth. I can't let myself feel the good feelings in case they are terribly wrong! I wish I knew what the truth is. I can't stand being hurt again and again. I need to find the middle ground. I know therapy has to be about others in my RL, but so much is about YOU and I hate myself for doing that again. I know you are trying so hard to encourage me to find love and peace and connection in my RL. I so badly don't want to disappoint you!!!!

Dear T,

last week you brought in pages & pages that you had written, notes for me, about me, to help me to see the SAWE that you have been seeing for almost 4 years now.
You showed me how I fall into the same traps, again and again, and you used my own words, behaviors, life events, to underscore the points so that they weren't just paragraphs out of some book, they would become real for ME.
And although it might sound like you were bawling me out ("SAWE, you do this a lot... I hear you say this over and over.. ") you gave it to me so kindly that I heard you clearly, with no defensiveness obscuring it.

I've been thinking about this for a week now. Yesterday I tried to find words to thank you for all that, for going to so much trouble for me - it must have taken you hours, all together - but you said only that you were going to do whatever you could do to help, and THEN you said, about not getting defensive but listening, "You were ready to hear it."

As if making it into something that *I* did. I am still reeling.

T..... I have never told you.... that after our very first meeting, when I agreed to start seeing you, I was driving home & I heard something inside me, very plainly. "I have many things to tell you, but you are not able to bear them now."
Well... maybe this now, and the SAWE of this now, really can be that much different from what was, so long ago. If so, T, I have you, your skill, your wisdom, your compassion, to thank for it. I am giving thanks for you this day.
SAWE

Dear T,

I understand why you don't want me to spend the week trying to figure it out. I really do. I also understand why you don't want me to post about my session. It's hard, though. I don't want to disappoint you, though you said I don't have to listen to you. By writing this, I'm also doing what you don't want. I'm cheating, sorry. But how can I forget therapy for the whole week? I can't! I also think it's kind of funny that you want me to email you about what I do during the week instead of my feelings and thoughts.

I have a part who needs to SHARE my feelings about therapy. I have to work with that part,sigh. It's not wrong, I know.

I feel good about having compassion for my part that wants the pattern. For the first time, I "get" her. She's a baby and just wants to be loved.

Thank you for leading the session yesterday even though I was at first angry you wouldn't let me read my email. You were right!

Love,
rainbow

Dear T, feeling just total nothing. not in a bad way, just different.
not sad, not happy, not angry not nothing...weird.
don't know what to do about it if anything.
numb maybe??? just don't know

Dear T,

I think a light bulb has come on.

This in a week when there's a strong chance I will have to cancel at the last minute
I so much want to tell you about this. Put a candle in the window for me...........

SAWE

Dear pdoc,

Do you want me to be more needy? depend on you for my survival? Do you want me to hang on your every word, gesture or look? Do you want me to look you up on the internet and try and find out every little detail I can about you?

Well, I refuse too. You are just a person to me. You have your faults, you are far from perfect.

You are someone who may be able to help me but I will not put you on a pedestal. I did that the first time and I've learned from that first time.

Dear T,

It was bound to happen sometime, that you'd get sick and cancel. I hope your fever is only due to a cold and nothing else. I don't want you to be sick!!! I don't feel so well myself and I need to go to bed soon. I fell on my stairs and hurt my arm. I don't think it's broken, though.

I want to tell you all about my great week-end!!! You'll be happy. I also want to discuss hugs and touching. If I do see you Wednesday and we only have an hour, we're not doing EMDR, are we? If you don't feel well, you'd sit too close to me then anyway. I don't want to get sick.

I hope your fever is down and that you're sleeping now! I want you to feel good for me and for you.

Love,
rainbow

Daughter's T,

So confused right now i can't find the words. I'm mad at you and I don't know why. This sucks. I feel disgusting and dirty and ashamed. And I don't know why.

Why can't you say something nice...just once? Something like "I care about you."

I'm not going to talk to you anymore. You aren't my T anyway. You want information...fine. But leave me and my feelings out of it.