[FourRedheads]

Oh Squiggle, that breaks my heart. My thoughts are with that little girl and her family and with you. Take care of yourself.

[FourRedheads]

Since I just posted above, guess I'll update.

Words still do not come easily. That's why I haven't been posting. I'm here everyday and reading but I don't have the words. What is wrong with me?

[Rose76]

Squiggle - it would never have occurred to me to think a teacher could be in that position. What a tough day you must have had. Then, when, the child come back you will be ministering to her grief, as best you can. Teachers really must give a lot of themselves.

I am having bad anxiety about an upcoming job. In time, maybe things will settle into place. It seems I am carrying too much hurt from past failures. That seems to color my outlook.

[OneRedRose]

saw T today, managed to turn a 1 hour session into a 2 hour one, told her about my depression and just how dangerously close to snapping I am, she took me to see the doctor who spoke to me about my citalopram (i was prescribed it a long time ago, but refuse to take it, cos of side effects) and the doctor then gave me some diazepam to deal with any side effects related to my anxiety, but now im scared again because when pharmacist saw prescription she hesitated and asked if id been spoken too about mixing them...so now im paranoid again and dunno what to do...., I think ill just take it, just not think about it and stuff em in my mouth in the morning, my homework for this week is to do things that make me happy, thats seeing my friends....in the space of 10 minutes i managed to piss all my friends off so thats that down the drain, bought my mum a chocolate cake and she chucked it in the sink and hasnt stopped shouting at me since....close to tears...but i wont cry, i cannot show weakness...

[SoupDragon]

Chilled today after my session with T.

[Rose76]

OneRedRose - I am sorry that your depression and anxiety are so out of control. I would advise you not to worry about taking the diazepam. I've been on citalopram for a long time. I have taken librium and, more recently, Restoril and Klonopin, while taking citalopram. These drugs that I have mentioned are benzodiazepines, like the diazepam that has been ordered for you. Benzodiazepines are quite safe, unless combined with large quantities of alcohol, or other major depressants. So, it might be helpful for your to get some lessening of your anxiety by taking the diazepam. If your friend are true friends, maybe you can hope that they will understand your difficulty. Contact with friends who care is apt to do more than the diazepam.

I know first hand that depression combined with anxiety is very hard. I hope you will feel better.

[PleaseHelp]

Saw a nurse practitioner (who specializes in orthopedics). Based on the fact that I've had 3 knee surgeries and they haven't helped that much, she is not recommending surgery at this point. I have an MRI scheduled for next week and will be starting back up with physical therapy (PT) next week. Trying to walk more w/o crutches but keeping one near by, just to be on the safe side. Confused by my DBT homework. Hopefully my T can help me figure it out on Thurs.

[kaliope]

so i feel like a little kid, trapped between pdoc and T. pdoc wrote t an apolgetic email discussing the therapy he was doing with me claiming he did not know i was in therapy....this is so unbelievable when my first visit i gave him a letter from T....but in the letter he says that he is invested in my treatment. this makes me feel really really good that he would want to help me and not treat me as just antoher med patient. but then T, who i have been with for two years, makes it clear that pdoc has no business doing anything but prescribing meds. he wrote pdoc back and let him know he doesnt believe in have dual treatment providers. he wrote him all kinds of stuff, majorly standing up for the fact that i need to stay on the one med pdoc is wanting to take me off of which i was freaking out about. he made it clear to pdoc that i wasnt a simple anxiety case and that addressing it alone wasnt going to fix me. he brought up times i experience terror and that it wasnt fair to treat me/medicate me as an anxiety case and have me go through those times without the proper treatment. so i am listening to the different things he wrote to pdoc so pdoc could understand me better and feel like they are battling over me. then to make it worse, T says, "i guess i should ask you what you want" what? make me choose? this sucks. i managed to get out of answering. of course i would take T, i dont get to see pdoc very frequently, but as i have said in other posts, i like the work pdoc is doing with me as well. but the work i am doing with pdoc is causing grief in my life and when i tried to talk about it with T he isnt very cooperative. today he says "im doing therapy on your med clinic therapy". i just dont understand why it matters. if i am experiencing chaos in my life, does it matter what the chaos is caused by? but it really does suck, this feeling stuck in the middle, feeling forced to choose. but on the other hand, feeling like they are fighting over me, thats kinda makes me feel good, that T wrote pdoc a long letter explaining me, defending my need for meds, letting pdoc know that he was off track, thats kinda cool. he wasnt sticking up for me before. he let me know i was on my own. drama!

Got out for another ride, but other than that my day has been uneventful. Really tired even though I got enough sleep.

[Kacey2]

Awww Squiggles................I am so sad for you and for your little student. Oh my gosh what a gut wrenching day! I am at a loss for words. Life can be soooo hard (such times of joy and also times of great sorrow) XO to you

[FourRedheads]

No words. Numbness?

[nicoleb2]

was starting to feel ok. then everything crashes, again. just like it always does.

my vehicle died. I have no transportation, which means no getting anywhere, which means horrible depression and anxiety because I can't do any of my normal stuff.

Why do I bother trying to feel decent anymore. Not like it'll ever last anyway

[OneRedRose]

today, I really do see the light at the end of the tunnel, ive started my meds and nothing bad happened to me (well apart from abit of nausea and for some reason my handwriting went down the drain today too hmm!..ill live haha) so thats all that worry off my shoulders, and I actually feel like with the therapy and the meds ima be better, already feel better with the anticipation of feeling better...if that makes sense??

Got out of bed for, like, an hour.

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by OneRedRose

today, I really do see the light at the end of the tunnel, ive started my meds and nothing bad happened to me (well apart from abit of nausea and for some reason my handwriting went down the drain today too hmm!..ill live haha) so thats all that worry off my shoulders, and I actually feel like with the therapy and the meds ima be better, already feel better with the anticipation of feeling better...if that makes sense??

Great to hear Rose. I have always been so med resistent. But my last suicidal depression I knew i was going to be dead if i didnt try meds. I never dreamed I could ever see light at the end of the tunnel again it was so bad. But it worked. It was like a miracle, unbelievable. Im still on meds for mood stabilization for the bipolar, but havent been on antidepressants for a year now and been doing fine without them. That darkness is so far away. Meds and therapy really do work so stick with it!

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Got out of bed for, like, an hour.

Just some girl-----sometimes, this is the best we can do. feel good about it. maybe tomorrow you can do an hour and fifteen. little goals.

fourredheads, keep coming back and posting to let us know youre ok.

I did good today. was so busy at work i didnt have time to stress about the perdicament i feel stuck in between T and pdoc. i am not pushing myself to achieve the goals pdoc set forth for me and this has greatly reduced the stress on me. i feel much more relaxed than last week. i arrived to work today and had a very nice thank you card waiting from a coworker who had a bad day yesterday. i gave her a hug after work and told her to call me. she did and i gave her advice on how to handle the situation she encountered. so that was a nice way to start a very busy day.

hope everybody is doing as well as they can be.

I'm taking a mental health day tomorrow so I won't be going to work. I had another very intense session with T on Tuesday that unfortunately has aggravated some PTSD stuff for me. I'm going to see T in the morning in hopes that he'll be able to get me grounded again.

[nicoleb2]

Having a cruddy day. I feel angry at everything. I feel incompetent. I feel like a failure at everything I do.

[lacey12345]

I had a terrifying incident last night, coupled with the fallout today. I spent most of the day scared and alone.

And I am angry now. And hurt. Because I reached out to someone, my dad for help, and realized once again that I cannot depend on him. And I'm grateful but frustrated that it is my younger sibling who has come through in all of this crisis.

I am so very tired and frightened. I am so very frightened.

I really need to take a day off. A 'mental health' day as farmergirl called it. I just need some time to put my mind to rest for a while. I need some sleep! Lots of sleep. I love my job, but it is wearing me down. We are only in the first nine weeks! I need to slow down and try to pace myself better. But I can't. Deadlines are deadlines. Rules are rules. If I want to keep my job, I can't slow down!

TO ALL OF THE DAILY ROLL CALL MEMBERS:

Thank you so much for checking in every day or so. I have learned so much about you. Things that I never would have been able to find out if I had to weed through the multiple threads on PC. I love this club. This "Daily Roll Call Club". There are no (set in stone) rules in here. There is no right or wrong way to do this.

You have given me much joy, and at times, made me sad for you. I feel so much more connected to many of you. Even though I don't write many responses in here, I 'feel' for you. I think about you. I care about you.

Thanks for being my friends,

Squiggle

[PleaseHelp]

Yesterday morning started out rough. My pdoc appointment was really upsetting and then I had to go to work. I couldn't concentrate at all, made stupid mistakes, my mind was nowhere near work. And to top it off I had a TON of stuff to get done. I almost broke down crying. However, when I got home my SO was very understanding. (I had emailed him during the day telling him how much I was struggling). We went fishing and caught 6 fish 2 were keepers so we had fresh fish and chips for supper. Then spent the rest of the evening watching TV and hanging out. It was really nice b/c we haven't done that in sometime. He started college and has been busy with that.

I have a T appointment after work, so we'll see how that goes.

[Rose76]

I am still trying to get follow up since my pdoc has been out sick for an extended amount of time.

[FourRedheads]

Haircut for myself and my 3 daughters is canceled this afternoon because the stylist has the stomach flu. Poor girl! I'm so glad we found out before our scheduled appointment! As a parent, that is the one thing I do not handle well. Anything but vomit. ::shudder::

Just got home from my T appointment. It was a frustrating appointment for me. We talked about meaningless stuff (my dog, her dog, homeschooling, my church, etc). I wanted to go deeper as I've been struggling these past few weeks. I think my T is clueless. It's frustrating when you have the buildup of the appointment all week and the actual appointment is a disappointment.

[Rose76]

Well, 4Redheads, you are kind of talkative today. It's nice to hear some of your thoughts. That's too bad about the T appointment. Your time is too important to fritter. I can't say I've been good on prep myself, but going in with some notes jotted of territory you'ld like to be exploring in might keep the focus away from trivia. Glad you avoided flu exposure. Who needs that.

[OneRedRose]

was feeling abit numb today in class, nothing was going into my head was sooo spaced, then i remembered that my T set me homework to do things that make me happy this week, being in class spinning out from my meds was not my idea of 'happy' so i went up to my teacher and informed him i will not be in my next lesson (they all know im on new meds so he just smiled and said ok, plus im an adult learner im their out of option) my plan was to just go home, then i remembered my friend said she was feeling alittle low, so i went round hers instead and just chilled in the sun all day (we are having an indian summer here) and i feel sooo much better for it, yes yes...skipping college probably not what my T had in mind, but i had such a great day, and so not to disrupt i came home same time i woulda finished college to do my studying, i plan on not going in tomorrow either, as i owe work, so im going to work on that all morning so i can email it too my teacher for that lesson, so = no stress, I feel so good (very tired though!) its the first time in awhile that ive had a GREAT day, and I want it too continue