[nicoleb2]

Spent the day with my inlaws. My husband was helping get ready for a garage sale.. they buy things at other garage sales just to sell them at theirs...
I sat there thinking, the whole day, about how easy it would be to come home and take too many pills and never again have to wake up to the same old depression, the sadness, the numbness...

[Elli-Beth]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Today was okay. Went to church and then to Walmart. Ate at Hunan's. Came home and took a nap. Worked in my yard. Now I am grading papers! That is not that fun, but necessary to keep my job

Groan... I put off grading this weekend. The papers are just sitting there, waiting. Guess I know what's on the agenda for tomorrow night...

Originally Posted by Elli-Beth

Groan... I put off grading this weekend. The papers are just sitting there, waiting. Guess I know what's on the agenda for tomorrow night...

Got mine graded, entered online, and exported for progress reports! Woohoo! I'm actually going to school tomorrow with no papers hanging over my head.

[FourRedheads]

I am tired of being around people and trying to act "normal" and not doing a very good job of it. "Normal" takes too much energy right now. Social chitchat isn't happening.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Spent the day with my inlaws. My husband was helping get ready for a garage sale.. they buy things at other garage sales just to sell them at theirs...
I sat there thinking, the whole day, about how easy it would be to come home and take too many pills and never again have to wake up to the same old depression, the sadness, the numbness...

sorry you're feeling so awful and i hope you can get help if you need it right away. garage sales are not my thing, and I can imagine feeling bored and lonely having to sit through one, or preparation for one. I hope you can do something more enjoyable soon.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i am struggling, obsessing over my new pdoc. i am happy he is putting so much effort into helping me with my anxiety, but he also wants to change my meds, take me off the one med i credit to have totally stabilizing me for over a year and a half now. so on one hand he is wanting to help fix me and on the other, i see him pulling the rug out from under me. it just doesnt make sense. i think i freaked out sufficiently that he only lowered the dose by half, but his argument was the dose was low enough in the first place that i might as well not be on it. how do i win an argument like that. i said it stopped the voices in my head. he believes they were broght on by stress. i believe they accompany mania/depression, but i guess that would fall under the category of stress as well. how does one argue with a pdoc?

Kaliope, I don't know the answer to your question, except to say that I hope you can argue with him if you need to. Will your t help? Is it possible what your pdoc wants is worth trying? Or is s/he just meddling with something that doesn't need fixing?

Stayed up all night and slept all day, and now I'm up all night again!
Also, I won't be eating any more veggie burgers.
27 days until I see T. Hoping to pull myself together before then - I want to go see her knowing I've progressed or done something positive in the time she's been gone, not to have fallen apart in her absense.

[my baby boy]

hi i think this a great idea to if u read my post my theraphist actually dr im supposed to go in thurs and after everything he put me through i probably will never have the trust i once had im just building up anger and hope i can hide it thurs thanks for listening

[Rose76]

My back is sore. Not like arthritic or muscle spasm pain. This is like soreness from fatigue. After getting a few other things done, I went shopping for some clothes. At the store, I developed this sore, tired feeling like if I had been shoveling snow for an hour.

I think I may have gotten seriously deconditioned over the past year. I've been out of work and very depressed for a year. That's a long time to be vegetating for long intervals. Lately, I've felt better and have been on the go. For so long, though, I was idle and doing as little as possible. Not even getting dressed for days on end, not cleaning my apartment, just from the bed to the couch and back to the bed, at times. I think that may be why I seem to have limited tolerance for activity now, even though I have regained plenty of interest and willingness.

I hope I haven't permanently aged myself to a level of irreversible debility. Now that I am active, I hope I will regain the capacity for effort that I used to have. (Like a year ago, not -say - when I was 25.) Maybe it will take going to a gym. I am sorry I did this to myself, if it is from the depression and inactivity.

[skysblue]

Me, 2 little boys and Thomas the Train - what fun today!

[delicatefade26]

Today was pretty good...went to church with ma-and even though the service was long and kinda boring...still felt good to go and worship! I slept all afternoon pretty much...then started working on homework (so much reading my eyes fell like they will fall out)-I have T tomorrow-and I didn't have it last week-I'm filled with anxious ambiguity about tomorrow's session...I know it will be interesting to say the least b/c I am filled with anger right now and I'm not sure how it will play out...so we shall see!!

[Rose76]

I just woke up form a sound sleep and I see it is only 4:30 A.M. I've had 4 hours of sleep. I don't know why I am awake. I was tired. The temazempam sure kicks in like a mule, when it comes to putting me to sleep, but I don't stay asleep all that long until several days of fatigue builds up.

[kaliope]

posted by learning1

Kaliope, I don't know the answer to your question, except to say that I hope you can argue with him if you need to. Will your t help? Is it possible what your pdoc wants is worth trying? Or is s/he just meddling with something that doesn't need fixing?

He is definately meddling in something that doesnt need fixing. He added a med for my anxiety which i did not ask for. My bipolar and ptsd are under control and have been for nearly two years. I went in every three months for meds. My pdoc quit and now I have been assigned to him. His focus is my anxiety which does need fixing and I appreciate that he wants to work with me on that. But he thinks I am on too many meds. Haldol, topomax, the med he put me on and artane to counteract the tartive dyskenisia I got from the haldol. He wants me off the haldol. this terrifies me, but is it worth trying? maybe. i eventually want off all meds so this would be a step in that direction. i said i would be willing. it would be easy enough, works fast enough to get back on if things start going downhill, but still, why try to fix something that isnt broke? I think T would definately step in to help. He thinks its ridiculous the guy is spending so much time with me when I have had this successful med protocol established for such a long time already.

[Astridetal]

Today was a bad day. My named nurse was back from vacation, and that seems to have set off a rollercoaster of feelings that had been hidden all along. Seeing my T on Friday, which is good cause I really have some things I need to talk to her about.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by kaliope

He wants me off the haldol. this terrifies me, but is it worth trying? maybe. i eventually want off all meds so this would be a step in that direction. i said i would be willing. it would be easy enough, works fast enough to get back on if things start going downhill, but still, why try to fix something that isnt broke?

Because, in a way, it is "broke" because of the tardive dyskinesia you are experiencing. Those are serious side effects! If you can get off the haldol and get rid of the TD, then you won't have to take the artane either. I know it's not so simple, and keeping psychotic symptoms under control is not to be scoffed at (or whatever reason you are taking the haldol), but I hope you can find a med that will have the same benefit as haldol without the TD. Good luck with the new pdoc!

[WePow]

Made it through the day. I told my T I wanted a reply because we found out about one guy leaving who I never would have thought would go at work. Oh well. I am still numb emotionally but think that may be good. T told me he was still here for me. I just needed him to say that.

I see T tommorow. I know he will want me to name some feeling all this is and I can't name a void feeling. So who knows how that session will go. I think I may ask him if I can just sit there and look at him.

[FourRedheads]

Today I am angry.

I guess that's a start.

[nannypat]

I am just feeling pretty down and lonely.

26 days.
I'm not sure what to do until then, I feel a little hopeless.
If I could get my car back on the road I'd feel a lot better, as it would give me back a bit of freedom and independence...
Waiting on everything

I have had a TERRIBLE day!! HORRIBLE!!

[Rose76]

My job interview was okay. When the supervisor who interviewed me showed me the actual room I would be working in, I kind of quietly freaked out. It looked like a pressure cooker, and a dilapidated one at that. I have no idea whether I would be good at this job, or rotten, or somewhere in between. Well, I may not even get offered a spot.

[nicoleb2]

I'm alive... that's about it. I don't feel anything, except that I don't want to go on this way... I si'd pretty badly last night. Hoping that it heals ok. I see my T on wednesday, so once again I have to tell her that I did it, again.

[SilentLucidity]

Rose76 - Good job getting through that interview. They are so stressful. You should be proud!
Nicoleb2 - I told my T in no uncertain terms that I am really tired of feeling this way. You may be lonely, but you are not alone. I hope you heal ok, too.
Other Lovely PC People - Much love, warmth, and positive thoughts in your general direction.
Every Teacher Who Has Stuff Graded - I am SOOO jealous. Such a huge pile to wade through, but making ME my priority right now. "Nemo dat quod non habet" - "You cannot give what you do not have." I just don't have it right now. The old me would have fought that tooth and nail - seems this therapy thing might be working.

Today was day four of crying. Not like I'm counting or anything. I opted to not go to work today. I just can't face people after I ran out Friday after having a complete break down. T says I'm grieving and need to give myself time and it doesn't matter what other people think. So I took time for me today; went to Mass, crying, listening to music, crying, sitting on the beach, journalling, crying, collecting smooth stones, eating shrimp tacos, enjoying a nice cup of coffee, crying, seems to be a theme. However, even though there will surely be more tears tomorrow when I finally see T for the first time since I broke, I must say I am proud of myself for showing that emotion. I have been holding on to it for far too long.

[kaliope]

went and saw T today. he disapproves that my pdoc is doing therapy type work with me as well. i guess there is an uproar about pdocs crossing boundaries and the T's not liking it. sounds silly to me. i am kinda upset about this as i like that pdoc is taking an interst in my mental health and not just signing scripts. i was discussing the anxiety created by the homework pdoc gave me and T actually interrupted me and changed the topic, like he didnt want anything to do with what pdoc was doing. it really pissed me off. i thought it was so childish of him. so i finished that topic and went back to what i was talking about. i wasnt going to let him divert me again. i also got brave and dropped a note off for pdoc asking him to call me. he told me a story on how to deal with my anxiety but i didnt really hear it because i was so anxious over the fact he wanted to take me off my med that is working so well. i know the story was meant to help me cope but i cant remember it. i have never asked a pdoc to call me before or even if i am allowed to so it took a lot of courage to drop off the note asking him to call. now i am anxious wondering if he will call me. damn anxiety.

[SilentLucidity]

Seeing T in 3 hours for the first time since I had my crisis. Feeling sick to my stomach. I am hoping for the best. Suspect T will see me implode for the first time ever. Took today off work again to call on my better angels to help me with what I am going through. I think I am getting there.