I am really nervous. I have been given the opportunity to attend a conference that is 8 hours from my home. I will be gone for 3 days and 2 nights. I haven't been away from my husband in 10 years! I NEED to get away, but I am feeling very guilty. I am worried about who will take care of him. What if something happens to him while I am gone?

Will I have a panic attack? Will the ladies I am travelling with find out my secret? That I suffer from anxiety? I won't be driving, so that is a HUGE trigger for me. I will be losing all control.

I want to back out, but I have already signed the forms that I will go. I am sure that my therapist will be so happy that I am taking this giant step forward. She will see this as progress, but I am wishing that I didn't tell them I would go.

This is HUGE for me. I know that I need to do this, but I don't want to!

[SilentLucidity]

Having a really difficult time coping for the past couple of weeks. Retreating into the recesses of my own mind which I'm not sure is too good. Pretty much feel void of all thought and emotion right now. So tired of feeling this way. How do people keep doing this day after day after day?

[nicoleb2]

Having a ton of anxiety right now. Should be sleeping, but can't. Want to SI, but i just can't. I have to keep myself safe

[Rose76]

I spent yesterday at the hospital because my S.O. needed emergency care. Then we came home to my place and I looked after him.

Today, he told me I should look at women who get a lot done and try to be more like them. Then he left to go home to his place. I've been close to despair since.

He did thank me for my help.

I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel I've been a fool.

[ECHOES]

I am feeling like packing up the car and leaving town. going... ?
The hardest thing is to stay put.
But there is nothing here... nor there... or there.
Something has to give soon.

[OneRedRose]

things went from bad to worse today, feel so empty, broken, destroyed, I promised my T that id contact a helpline if I feel like this over weekend, so i text the samaritans, i am waiting like an hour and half between replies and even then the replies are "can you talk to them?", not very helpful but I refuse to talk on phone, this is kinda the half way for me between not contacting and contacting, I am only doing it for T. but feel very let down, that in my hour of need, no one is here, not even the people that promise to always be.

[WePow]

Today I am enjoying health and mental wellness. It can be experienced. Even if one day here and other there. It can be found. So I am happy... today.

[FourRedheads]

Wow, WePow. Love to read that you are in a good place. It encourages me.

Today I made a total fool of myself at church. During the service, they played a video featuring kids talking about growing up without fathers and how that hurts, etc, etc. As I sit there, alone, and look at my 4 kiddos, I can't hold it in. Big, horrible sobs are bubbling up from somewhere very deep inside. Because I never cry. NEVER ever. So I make a run for the back, leaving my bewildered kids alone in the pew. Embarrassing! I end up in a back room by the coffee. I'm standing there, trying to collect myself, and a friend comes over and hugs me. That makes the sobbing worse.

Why can't I feel anything at appropriate times, and at the worse possible time I can't hold back? I didn't even know I had all that sadness inside.

I had a really good ride on my horse today. We cantered quite a lot today, across fields, through the woods... I 'borrowed freedom' again Times such as these are so precious.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Why can't I feel anything at appropriate times, and at the worse possible time I can't hold back? I didn't even know I had all that sadness inside.

Maybe it was not the worst possible time. Maybe it was a good time.

[Elli-Beth]

I'm scared. Nothing feels safe. Not even with T's anchor thing I'm supposed to do when I get scared. Tomorrow is T's day off so I won't see him until Wednesday and this is BAD NOW...

[delicatefade26]

I've been doing okay...I don't have internet in my apartment so I can't get on here a lot...so I miss that! Last Monday I had a really horrible day-I had really bad thoughts...and then the rest of the week I did good-the up and down is not very fun at all...I didn't get to see T last week but I get to see him tomorrow-I'm excited to have a session!!!!

[PleaseHelp]

My knee is feeling better, so I'm doing more around the house. Did my normal Sunday routine and got a good start on a jean quilt I'm making.

[kaliope]

ECHOES
Oneredrose--if your needing to talk, check out the chat rooms

Originally Posted by Rose76

I spent yesterday at the hospital because my S.O. needed emergency care. Then we came home to my place and I looked after him.

Today, he told me I should look at women who get a lot done and try to be more like them. Then he left to go home to his place. I've been close to despair since.

He did thank me for my help.

I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feel I've been a fool.

this is really crappy......im so sorry he treated you this way. you deserve better

i packed to go on my trip to my daughter's today. my friend's gps charger is missing so i wont be able to borrow it. i have such a fear of getting lost as i am an anxious driver. i checked with the car rental company and gps systems cost twelve dollars a day to rent. the car is only fourteen. thats ridiculous. i will just make sure not to forget my klonopin. my daugther said she plans to take me the route to the hospital enough so i am comfortable in case she has to go there from work then i will be able to get there alone. i just hope she holds that baby in until i get there on saturday!

I have cried my way through most of the weekend.

[nicoleb2]

I discovered, totally by accident, the likely cause of last nights anxiety. I am pretty sure one of my meds was causing rapid heartbeat, like really rapid for me. I am not taking it tonight to see how things go.

I am worried that this is just another med that I can no longer take and they're never going to find a good combo for me.

[nicoleb2]

My pdoc called and said it's ok that I stopped taking nortriptyline.
I feel SO much better since i stopped it, very tired, but I'll take it over the anxiety. We are going to discuss med options when i see him again on Friday.

Mood-wise, I feel ok. I'm not good, not bad, I just am

[Lacer Vita]

I'm still in shock that therapy has begun. For some reason, I didn't think I'd be going through these memories... especially in detail, up close and personal... ever again. I read here, today, that "you have to go through it to get over it."

I hope this is true.
Am I on the road to healing?

[SilentLucidity]

Sara Bareilles Uncharted sums me up best right now:

"Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So low, never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted."

I slept all day, which I didn't mean to do... I did get a load of laundry done, though, and I worked out - so it wasn't a total failure
A friend wants me to go out on Friday night, and I'm already nervous about it - she doesn't know about my depression or anxiety, so I have to act around her. I'm not supposed to drink on my medication but I know she'll judge me if I don't. I feel like she perceives me a certain way, and I don't want to come across like that, so I feel under pressure to be my most vivacious bubbly self - something I've not been in a long time. I know how to let my hair down, but I'm not in that place right now. And I have to find something to wear - not easy, as nothing fits me anymore (nothing that I look good in and covers my SI scars. I also have to figure out what to wear to therapy, also on Friday. Big day, Friday! I feel so under-prepared.

[Rose76]

I am struggling against depression. I don't expect anyone who doesn't experience recurring severe depression to understand. Anymore than I could fathom what it is to wrestle a bear. This is a place where I figure there will be understanding of what this is like - when to get up and put on shoes seems so hard. But I am going to my friend's place. This being alone like this is to oppressive. Oh - please may I get better so I can start my possible new job, as scared as I am, nonetheless.

[cin1]

i saw a t for the second time today. i go 50 miles one way to see her. i shop while there, if i need something, or maybe if i want something.. i had a avatar photo, i was loading pics of my yorkie, shadow, and when trying to get rid of one photo, i lost everything. i don't even have pictures to choose from on the avatar page, just numbers. i am frustrated and tired of trying to fix it.

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by Lacer Vita

I'm still in shock that therapy has begun. For some reason, I didn't think I'd be going through these memories... especially in detail, up close and personal... ever again. I read here, today, that "you have to go through it to get over it."

I hope this is true.
Am I on the road to healing?

Lacer - while i didnt go thru every memorie in detail, i did finally have to admit i was abused, which was hard for me. then T and i worked on how this abuse impacted my life and the changes i had to make to my thoughts and behaviors in order to heal. it depends on how your t works. but yes, you are on the road to healing.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am struggling against depression. I don't expect anyone who doesn't experience recurring severe depression to understand. Anymore than I could fathom what it is to wrestle a bear. This is a place where I figure there will be understanding of what this is like -

It is hard to find others who understand. when i suffered from depression it was suicidal, so deep and dark. when i got involved with a group at the mental health center i just expected a friend i met there who was on disability for depression to feel the same, after all, she was on disability for many years for being depressed. when the director of the art group we were in daughter committed suicide i was kinda impacted by that and we were talking and my friend says, oh if you ever feel that way, call me, we can go take a walk. and im like thinking "deep dark suicidal depression, take a walk? what kind of depression are you on disability for?" she couldnt even grasp where i was coming from. im like, i want your kind of depression. thats what i like about the variety here at PC. there are so many people who do understand.

well no phone call from T today so the crying message I left on his voicemail must not have been too distressing. i am starting to get more excited about my trip to my daughters which is good because i thought i was so emotionally warped that i wouldnt be able to have emotions about it. my sister sent me my dads old cell phone which is much newer than mine which the camera wasnt taking clear photos on any more so now i will be able to get a good picture of the baby when it comes to send to people awaiting the news. problems is, even though my phonebook is saved to sim card, it is not transferring to new phone. I have two pages of phone numbers that need to be put in the phone. funny how when i need help, there is no one i can call. well actually one of the numbers is the crisis call line, how many people have that on their phone? But more than 2/3 of the numbers are business contacts, and then there is family which i have in case of emergency, very few are personal numbers. its really more of a rolodex. think i will save the list for the plane ride and enter it all in then.

hugs to all.

[OneRedRose]

The ***** hit the fan on sunday night, ive had about 3 hours sleep in two days gonna tuck myself into bed at 8 tonight, watch hollyoaks and how i met your mother before turning in for the night, got home today and played some video games, fifa 11 still played at my usual level but was completely MEH no excitment, heads hurting from lack of sleep gonna go watch some tv i think!...sorry if this dont make sense, i am litrally half asleep at keyboard.

[nicoleb2]

I was doing good earlier. Now, I am angry. My 6 year old is having issues at school, not because of behavior or refusal to do his work, but because he is processing things slower. His grades are great, he just takes longer to get things done, and is being required to miss recess time because of it. It is getting bad enough that he is kicking and screaming because he doesn't want to go to school. I don't want him to think he is bad, or being punished for processing things slower. It's not like a behavior issues. It's something that we can't really change and I don't know what to do to help him