please!!i dont know what to do

Good Job Granite! You did something that took a lot of courage. I am glad you were able to get reassurance from your t. Maybe it will make your time til Monday go just a bit easier. I am very proud of you! You're swimming!

I think if she did not want you to come she would have cancelled you already herself. If you can not call write her a letter but do not send it and tell her next session. I am not sure of my T's rules on calling, but my old T would take an occasional call if I was really distressed. You could ask her the phone rules next session. T's are strong, you need help, she will understand. Peace to you.

I'm so gladed you decided to call. I feel like I can hear some relief in your post and that makes extremely happy for you. You T sounds very nice and I hope your session with her makes things a heck of lot better.

wow thanks for everyones responses and support.my T just seemed so angry and sarcastic yesterday.i don't understand what happened in that session.maybe i needed to be pushed that hard at the time i don't know but i do know it feels really horrible when she does this.but she does get the information she wants.it doesn't look like she is mad at me though.she was quite understanding on the phone.i want to write a list of stuff that went through my head that is making me so sure she is angry and doesn't want to work with me and maybe bring it next Monday

i think it's the whole talking thing.no letters or writing e-mails but i guess i can call.although i dont know how often i will be able to do this .it really took everything i had to call and i'm just not good at it i didnt ask her what i wanted to but i did say a few words like ok than thank you,and really its ok. probibly mor than she has herd at one time lol.exsept for these last two sessions.

i do but god i was so scared she was just going to not call and tell me monday to never do that again.it was so good to hear her voice and not have it be mean

i hope i dont drown.i am feeling ok right now and work is going ok also

my T wants to know what i am saying to myself.the part of me that doesn't allow me to talk.so i thought i would work on a list this week just about the things that sent me into this huge panic .what was i saying to myself?

i see you are so frustrated with me,why do i do this over and over again.

i know your just going to end up hating me, just look at Ware this is all going.

i should have just left.see this is how i end up so miserable.

i could really get hurt by you.

i don't think i can ever trust you.way to risky.so many horrible things people can do with trust.they can take it turn it against you in ways that can leave you feeling so small and broken that you could never recover.why wouldn't you do that?especially if you are angry and frustrated.and i have a special talent of being real good at making people feel this way.

talking to you put things out there that cant be taken away or hidden.that is never good and i end out feeling even more miserable.

you wouldn't believe anything i say anyway.it is just all stupid.

to be continued...

I think your list is real honest and good! Your T would be honored if you could share it with you! She would understand better why you can't talk, and she'd be able to help you more. What do you think?

thanks im going to try.and also share the answer to the question she asked about beinf horrible

This sounds like a fantastic idea!

i think i am just going to do it and deal with whatever happens after when it happens

Yes! I did a lot of this. It felt reckless but it worked for me. Frequently these things just can't be worked through neatly. They need a bulldozer or something.