[rainbow8]

I just lost what I wrote so far and have to start over!
My session was difficult and started out crummy because I couldn't get the words out about my email and feelings for my T. She didn't understand me, and when she did, she just said that email didn't seem "new" to her. I gave it to her to read again. She said it did sound like I was more ready to look at my relationship in RL, and not with her. But the picking up the pieces of my heart and holding her hand wasn't mentioned at all.

So, reluctantly I followed her lead and we talked about my marriage for most of the session. Part of me was stuck on my email, still. Plus, she didn't make a fuss about wanting to read the email that SHE asked me to bring in. I was a little frustrated but managed to tell her a lot that she didn't know about my H and me. Hard stuff! Also about using therapy as an escape from my real life problems, and using Ts to get my needs met instead of working on my marriage.

She amazed me by saying that she would see us for an hour together for a very low price, almost nothing, and charge me my full price for my session in the same week. For a month, not indefinitely. She really wants to help us!

Towards the end of the session I hadn't asked her to hold my hand yet, so I did. I prefaced it with saying I was so afraid she was going to take that away from me! We talked about that while she held my hand. She wanted to know why it felt so good and how it feels when my H holds my hand, and if I hold anyone else's hand, like my kids or grandchildren. Then, at the last minute, I said "what about the love stuff?" I said I'm not allowed to love her, and she wanted to know where I heard that from. I don't know. Finally, I said the words "I love you" and she thanked me or something. I said, but you won't say them to me, and she said, no, because she wouldn't be genuine or somthing like that. But she said "I care about you and you're very special. I have a special place in my heart for you" and pointed to her heart. Then as if I didn't tell her enough secrets for one session I told her something about sex.

I emailed her already. I feel pretty good about the session after all. Facing reality is hard but I have to do it. She won't take hand holding away from me. I said maybe it feeds my fantasies but I don't think it does. I don't have anything more to write in the "what you can't tell your T thread" because I told her everything I can think of. I know she likes me no matter what I tell her.

I know she likes me no matter what I tell her.

that is really awesome. i would feel totally special inside. ya know, that warm fuzzy feeling all head to toes... so happy for you

sending safe hugs

[Indie'sOK]

... Good for you! Dang, girl, you've got guts!

How did you feel when she didn't return your statement?

That sounds like a hard session indeed...take a step back and look that the progress that's been made just by admitting these things to T.

I think when all has been revealed to T is the point at which the greatest work happens.

[granite1]

i dont even have the guts to tell my T that i like her at all wow rain good for you.and i'm glad she is willing to have a few more sessions with you and your husband.how are you feeling about that?

[Sannah]

Excellent!!!!!!!!!

[rainbow8]

jb, I do feel a warm, fuzzy feeling about my T because she likes me and doesn't hesitate to tell me that, and I believe her. But, that makes it hard when I find out she's taking a week off, like I did last night when she emailed me. It's not like a friend going on vacation. It hits me much more and makes me cry.

Indie, I felt a little hurt when she wouldn't say she loves me. I know other people's Ts will tell them that. I don't think it's because of her policy, either. She said it wouldn't be genuine, which means she doesn't love me. Then why do I love her? I don't want to love her. I don't know what I mean when I say "love" anyway. It's so confusing!!

granite, I feel touched, I guess, that my T would offer a lower price. I think she once said she wasn't in this for the money. I know she has a H who has a good career and probably earns enough to support them. Just assuming. It's a second career for her, and part-time. She's a nice person. Truly and genuinely caring and compassionate. I also think it means she thinks we really need the help and she feels bad that I am unhappy in my marriage.

Sannah, thanks! Yeah, I was kind of proud of myself too! I just wish I didn't have all these feelings for my T, though. But I feel like I'm finally working on resolving them the best I can. Accepting them, discussing them, talking about my H and how helping our relationship can help need my T less, etc. It hurts my heart, though.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Rainbow,

It took so much courage to say all of those things you had been holding in.

I am really glad that she is going to do a few couples sessions with you and your hubby....have you ever done a session with him before?

I can understand why you feel sad that she didn't say she loved you but her response that she has a special place in her heart for you, was really lovely too and I am glad she still holds your hand when you ask her too.

Facing reality definately can be painful at times but usually once you get through the pain and get to the acceptance part it feels much better!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just wish I didn't have all these feelings for my T, though. But I feel like I'm finally working on resolving them the best I can. Accepting them, discussing them, talking about my H and how helping our relationship can help need my T less, etc. It hurts my heart, though.

All ^ excellent work with the expected outcomes (it hurts and you DO have these feelings for your T).

[rainbow_rose]

you inspire me, rainbow8. you did some excellent work (and you said the 'L' word ) congrats!