[Wysteria]

I've been having a really hard time and been really depressed and emotional... Had like a daymare in the middle of session with T on Thursday that he was backhanding me...Ended up going to talk to him about it on Friday, and he seemed to explain it ok and it seemed to make sense right them,...but ended up seeing pdoc that afternoon and by then it was all messed up in my head again. And pdoc was talking and I couldn't talk in complete sentences...he was worried..I was scared...I've been in bad shape...and he kept saying that he was on call this weekend and we'd take it one day at a time this weekend and even called someone that has been abusive to get them to back off...but I left and nothing he had said or T had said all week suddenly made any sense at all!

It's like suddenly they are all speaking another language or behind my back and I cannot read their lips (I'm hard of hearing and naturally read lips to help me hear)....and I sent my T an email last night...and he didn't answer my request to please write down what was happening, ...because it doesn't make any sense to me. He didn't answer...I'm sure he's really busy and it's the weekend. I don't want to call pdoc, I don't even know why he wanted me to call and I have no idea what in the hell to say to him...

But I still feel like everything is so confusing and perplexing and I can't keep the positive thoughts or explanations in my head to help me. I feel panicked and like it's hard to breathe. I'm afraid to sleep, but finally got a few hours last night..just because I fell asleep on top of comforter, fully dressed and woke up screaming with muscle cramps and nightmare...

I feel like I've crossed some threshold and left everyone behind me. I don't know what's wrong. I just keep trying to act normal and just do things and say normal things, but on the inside it's totally different....

I'm trying to reach out and totally get that my therapist is not on duty.

I'm just so afraid right now, and I don't understand anything, and I can't "hear" you...I can't even really hear myself think anymore, there's just like gaps. All I do is feel...and hurt. I just want it to stop or start or something....

Does anyone understand what I'm saying at all????

Wysteria Blue

(((((((((WysteriaBlue))))))))))

That sounds really hard

There have definitely been times when I've been in great distress that I just can. not. understand. what T is trying to tell me. I'll even tell him "I know you're saying words, but I have no idea what they mean"...and that does help, because it tells him to make it very simple, and very short.

If you can't reach T (which is SO familiar to me...my T tends to "vanish" on the weekend), could you call pdoc? You said that he was emphasizing that he was on call this weekend....maybe just getting that support will calm things down inside a little bit.

Good for you for reaching out. That is the right thing to do.

[ECHOES]

I can relate to this, especially in the beginning of my therapy. It was very scary then and it happened often. Now, I am comfortable and know I can trust but it can still happen.

Fear sends us deep deep within. It is too frightening to listen, to think. It is protective to push it away.

I've told my therapist that it's as if she is speaking another language - sometimes one I do understand but cannot use to communicate verbally.

I used to say that when this happens, it is like the adults in a Charlie Brown animated program - where all you see are their legs and they all sound like "wah, wa-wah, wah, wah, wah, wah ...".

[Wysteria]

Dear Echoes and Treehouse,

You heard me! Yes, I'm speaking Greek-Swahili and they're speaking adult Schultz!!.... At least I'm not completely around the bend sort of.. I'm still terribly afraid and didn't sleep, especially with my boys here, but at least I'm not completely alone. Thank you for that...it was a huge gift.

I'm sooo on edge and just know if I knew what he "fixed" on Friday it would help some. I can't stand this underlying panic all the time..

Anyway, I will continue to act normal and do the next thing, and will take my notebook with me when I go back on Tuesday so I can hold on to it next time.

Thank you again for responding to my weird little cry.. It really meant a lot.

Hope ya'll have a good day...

Wysteria Blue