[SoupDragon]

I am not sure where the most relevant place to post this is, it involved self harm, but it is what I want to talk about with T at my next session.

We nearly got there last session, but I bottled out at the last minute. Although I feel ashamed when I self injure now, what I was trying to talk about with T goes back to when I was 12 / 13. I am more ashamed of my SI then (hope I am able to actually post this) as I know I was doing it for attention - nowadays it is to deal with intense thoughts / feelings and I am able to excuse myself more for that.

I think I am terrifed about how T will react, that T will think badly of me - I tell myself I was only 12 / 13 then.

This is alongside a background of emotional abuse and really feeling overshadowed by my brother, excluded and unloved. I had few friends and people really didn't notice me much. There was a dog that lived up the road that used to escape from his garden "Joey" - oneday I saw him in my garden and went out to play with him. In his exictement he jumped up and his tooth caught the bottom edge of my eye really hard. I developed a black eye and for some reason was even ashamed about how I go it and told my mum that I had walked into a door - I don't know why I couldn't tell the truth. But I suddenly received lots of attention from everyone, I was finally noticed! So from then on sometimes I would hit myself in the face with a hammer in attempt to give myself a bruise, I guess so that I could again be noticed. I think this is how my SI started - but now I am very discrete with it and would be horrified for anyone to see it so I know it is for different reasons.

I am so scared of T's reaction that he will label me as something and judge me to be an unfit mother.

Do I need to share these concerns with T first, before telling the story - do you think that would make it easier for me? I really want to do this therapy thing, I want to stop avoiding talking about things, but it is sooo hard right now.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I am not sure where the most relevant place to post this is, it involved self harm, but it is what I want to talk about with T at my next session.

We nearly got there last session, but I bottled out at the last minute. Although I feel ashamed when I self injure now, what I was trying to talk about with T goes back to when I was 12 / 13. I am more ashamed of my SI then (hope I am able to actually post this) as I know I was doing it for attention - nowadays it is to deal with intense thoughts / feelings and I am able to excuse myself more for that.

I think I am terrifed about how T will react, that T will think badly of me - I tell myself I was only 12 / 13 then.

This is alongside a background of emotional abuse and really feeling overshadowed by my brother, excluded and unloved. I had few friends and people really didn't notice me much. There was a dog that lived up the road that used to escape from his garden "Joey" - oneday I saw him in my garden and went out to play with him. In his exictement he jumped up and his tooth caught the bottom edge of my eye really hard. I developed a black eye and for some reason was even ashamed about how I go it and told my mum that I had walked into a door - I don't know why I couldn't tell the truth. But I suddenly received lots of attention from everyone, I was finally noticed! So from then on sometimes I would hit myself in the face with a hammer in attempt to give myself a bruise, I guess so that I could again be noticed. I think this is how my SI started - but now I am very discrete with it and would be horrified for anyone to see it so I know it is for different reasons.

I am so scared of T's reaction that he will label me as something and judge me to be an unfit mother.

Do I need to share these concerns with T first, before telling the story - do you think that would make it easier for me? I really want to do this therapy thing, I want to stop avoiding talking about things, but it is sooo hard right now.

Hi Souper..

Just saw your post...lord I think we have a lot in common..

I guess what strikes me the most, is the way you view SI..you seem to recognize that it is a way to deal with emotions etc.. I often referred to it as a "pop-off" valve like on a water heater so that it doesn't actually explode...the valve releases pressure if tank overheats.. But people like us that are more sensitive to the barrage of emotions and use behaviours like these to control are simply overwhelming our powers to cope. So what do therapists really do...they are supposed to teach us ways to cope! Relaxation methods, re-framing, looking for thinking patterns that are unhealthy and re-directing them, self-soothing, releasing emotions, discovering strengths to overcome weaknesses..etc.

So only a very ignorant and callous therapist would not know and fully understand the ramifications of SI. I can see where the attention-seeking behaviours of a 13 year old girl might involve a different sort of shame than the SI practiced today...but that 13 year old girl had limited coping skills and the emotions that you described that she was dealing with were simply and powerfully overwheling her coping skills AT THAT TIME!! You need to again be more gentle with yourself and forgiving of what you were and were not capable of dealing with at 13...
(You know, I say this like I mastered the art of forgiving the younger me...NOT...)

I have heard you speak of your T...and it seems like they are pretty awesome really... I'm laying heavy odds on the fact that your T will be incredibly supportive and will right off the bat realize the relevance of your needing to SI to stop the pain...then and now!

If you really are that nervous, there is a sight, firstsigns.org in the UK that has a bill of rights and info to hand health professionals that you may come into contact with that may not understand SI...you could print some of that out and take it with you...like Just In Case, have in your hand insurance...

Sometimes, I've been known to take in letters to go ahead and state the problem and what's going on so I don't actually have to 'say' the words...make him read it..and then we can talk...then it is not so bad...And then, I know I can say it just right and explain it with the right words, especially when it is so emotionally poignant like this is for you. It's just an idea. You also might broach the topic in an email to open the door to the topic???

Again, I think maybe a little more faith in your T that they will understand what the SI represents, how important and guilt/shame provoking it might be to you, how very important it is for you to bring it to them honestly, and for your T to honour that gift of truth...

These are just my thoughts for what they are worth...You know I want only the best for you and to bring you some hope in healing... Best wishes for your visit and continued courage and honest relationship with your T.
Go get em Spike! I have faith in you and your wonderfully, courageous big heart!!

Huggles,

Wysteria Blue

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you WB - yes it is "her" that I think I am going to have to start to face - I do find her shameful. I do alot of writing to T, but this seems too shameful to actually put on paper - but somehow I managed to be brave enough to write it here didn't I? This makes your response even more important to me in my journey, I have never told anyone before.

So thank-you so much for your understanding and your encouraging words, maybe I can get to a place to tell T (who is also awesome ).

Hugs to you too - SD

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Do I need to share these concerns with T first, before telling the story - do you think that would make it easier for me? I really want to do this therapy thing, I want to stop avoiding talking about things, but it is sooo hard right now.

For me, talking about talking about things before I actually say them helps A LOT. It helps calm my fears that T will judge me or reject me...and somehow, just talking about talking about it seems to get some momentum going and make the actual "telling" a little bit easier.

When I was 12 or 13, I told a BIG lie to a lot of people. It ate at me for years and years and years. I would just cringe and feel SO ashamed every time it would cross my mind.

When I finally told T, he was SO understanding and forgiving of that 12 year old me. He helped me see that I had no idea how to get the help I needed, or the love I needed, and that I was trying to do it in the only way I could figure out. I actually asked him to write it down, and it's the only e-mail from him I've ever printed out and saved. It was such a relief to be understood, and to be shown how I could accept myself and forgive myself.

You were a child, and you were trying to get your needs met in the only way you knew how. Your T will understand that. I think telling will relieve you of so much pressure and guilt.

I've found, over the years, that I *often* write things here before I actually tell them to T. It's totally subconscious, but I think it's almost like "practice". And once I've told in this anonymous place, and everyone hasn't run screaming for the hills, it's easier to let T in. Maybe that will be true for you, too.

You are okay. You deserve relief. Hang on to that, and know that T is there to help you, NOT to judge you.

[Wysteria]

Originally Posted by treehouse

For me, talking about talking about things before I actually say them helps A LOT. It helps calm my fears that T will judge me or reject me...and somehow, just talking about talking about it seems to get some momentum going and make the actual "telling" a little bit easier.

When I was 12 or 13, I told a BIG lie to a lot of people. It ate at me for years and years and years. I would just cringe and feel SO ashamed every time it would cross my mind.

When I finally told T, he was SO understanding and forgiving of that 12 year old me. He helped me see that I had no idea how to get the help I needed, or the love I needed, and that I was trying to do it in the only way I could figure out. I actually asked him to write it down, and it's the only e-mail from him I've ever printed out and saved. It was such a relief to be understood, and to be shown how I could accept myself and forgive myself.

You were a child, and you were trying to get your needs met in the only way you knew how. Your T will understand that. I think telling will relieve you of so much pressure and guilt.

I've found, over the years, that I *often* write things here before I actually tell them to T. It's totally subconscious, but I think it's almost like "practice". And once I've told in this anonymous place, and everyone hasn't run screaming for the hills, it's easier to let T in. Maybe that will be true for you, too.

You are okay. You deserve relief. Hang on to that, and know that T is there to help you, NOT to judge you.

________________________________________________

When I read this answer last night I just thought WOW, what a bang on great response and so heartfelt...You have a gift for saying just the right thing to people...you are such a blessing...

I really hope it helped SoupDragon some...she is such a sweetheart.

Hugs!

WB

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by treehouse

For me, talking about talking about things before I actually say them helps A LOT. It helps calm my fears that T will judge me or reject me...and somehow, just talking about talking about it seems to get some momentum going and make the actual "telling" a little bit easier.

When I was 12 or 13, I told a BIG lie to a lot of people. It ate at me for years and years and years. I would just cringe and feel SO ashamed every time it would cross my mind.

When I finally told T, he was SO understanding and forgiving of that 12 year old me. He helped me see that I had no idea how to get the help I needed, or the love I needed, and that I was trying to do it in the only way I could figure out. I actually asked him to write it down, and it's the only e-mail from him I've ever printed out and saved. It was such a relief to be understood, and to be shown how I could accept myself and forgive myself.

You were a child, and you were trying to get your needs met in the only way you knew how. Your T will understand that. I think telling will relieve you of so much pressure and guilt.

I've found, over the years, that I *often* write things here before I actually tell them to T. It's totally subconscious, but I think it's almost like "practice". And once I've told in this anonymous place, and everyone hasn't run screaming for the hills, it's easier to let T in. Maybe that will be true for you, too.

You are okay. You deserve relief. Hang on to that, and know that T is there to help you, NOT to judge you.

Thank-you for this - it is so strange my rational head tells me it will be Ok, but that terrified bit is so doubtful. Yes this is probably a practice run for me, I hadn't thought of that - that I will know what I will want to say more clearly and that there are other responses apart from "werido!" that I might receive.

Thank-you for sharing the response from your own experience, your T sounds fantastic.

I also hadn't thought of the talking about talking about it bit - and maybe there is some more work for me and T to do there.

I think I am also scared that once I tell this, the other stuff will come out too and I won't be able to stop it - but I know T will take care of me.

Thank-you again treehouse, I really appreciate you responding. SD