45 minutes of tears, 10,035 minutes of alone

Oh, Tree, you are going through SO much right now. Be gentle with yourself.

Soon the tears will subside and you will be finding yourself SO proud of all the really good work you did with T this week. I know it came at a really S*ty time but it is really good work.

Be gentle and try to fit in as much self care as you can.

Omers said: Oh, Tree, you are going through SO much right now. Be gentle with yourself.

Yes, this!!! You're doing so well and your're HEALING. Hang in there.

(((tree))) thinking of you today.

Wishing you relief from the pain.

PC is full of such good people It meant so much to come home at the end of a busy day and to find hugs and thoughts and encouragement.

I'm getting through the week. It all feels so surreal in a way, but I think I'm basically ok.

I dreamt the other night that I was in one of my childhood homes. We moved every couple of years, but most of what I am telling T right now happened in the house I lived in when I was 6, 7, and 8. I was in that house and there was a door to a basement. It was so weird, because I had lived there for years, but never knew that a basement was there. I went downstairs and it was HUGE. Like, bigger than the house. And it was almost completely empty. And I saw it had another room, that was smaller, with a bed in it and I walked into that room and there was a row of french doors leading to the outside, right from the basement. I could see the sun through the windows.

The last time we tried to talk about this, about a year ago, I had a dream that I was in a house and there was a very bad person there, so I ran to the basement to hide. And while I was in this dark, musty, cluttered basement, I noticed that there was a door leading to the outside and that the sun was shining through.

So. Last year the basement was cluttered, and this year it's almost empty. And there is still the door leading out to the sun. Maybe I'm getting closer.

more for you, treehouse

hi there,

just thinking of you and hoping you are in a good place today

Hello, treehouse. You are in my thoughts.

I understand how hard it is....

thats a really interesting dream you had about your basement. How did you feel about it?

I feel like it means that I'm moving towards healing...towards the sunlight and the big sky.

Last year, when we got very close to this topic and then I lost it and we stopped talking about it, I had the first dream...with a messy, dark basement, lots of rooms, kind of scary. The door had one window. This year, moving THROUGH the topic, the basement is vast and almost EMPTY, with just one more room to finish dealing with...and the doors are french doors, ALL windows to the outside.

It kind of gives me goosebumps. I feel like I am really, really getting through this. Like I'm going to make it. I'm emptying out all of that buried stuff from the past, and leaving open space for something new.

T sent me an e-mail this week and said "keep swimming, the shore isn't far". Maybe he's right.

I guess it makes me feel hopeful.