45 minutes of tears, 10,035 minutes of alone

Way too graphic to put on this board, but I was very triggered last week. I left a message for T, so it wouldn't grow bigger and bigger in my head and make it so I wouldn't be able to talk about it.

Luckily, my life is so busy right now, so the time does pass quickly. But I finally saw him today and the tears started. Tears for me and my confusion now...my inability to understand boundaries, my confusion about what IS okay and what ISN'T okay, just the confused mess that I am sometimes. And tears for my little part, and the crap she had to go through that brought me to this point.

I cried so hard I thought I was going to, very literally, throw up, but I was terrified to walk out of his office so there I was. I finally asked for some water and T got me some and I managed to breathe and get through it.

SO much old pain. And current pain, actually...just the pain of being so. completely. confused. Ugh.

At the end, T was flipping through his appt book, and I could see his surprised reaction. I saw him for an hour (45 mins) today, and my next appt is a whole week away, for 45 mins again. I know that's normal for most people, but not really for me. So T offered me a long session next Monday, even though he told me that he can't do long sessions on Mondays. I guess he's making an exception, and I really do appreciate it, and it was a really caring gesture. But wow, so far away.

No. One. in my life knows what I'm dealing with in therapy, or even that I *am* dealing with something. I feel so so alone with it, and I'm not willing/able/brave enough/whatever to share it, so here I am.

I feel like I've slipped back into the hole a little bit. I can *see* the sky, but I can't quite get back there.

"No. One. in my life knows what I'm dealing with in therapy, or even that I *am* dealing with something. I feel so so alone with it, and I'm not willing/able/brave enough/whatever to share it, so here I am."

Me too, Tree, me too. I never talk to anyone about it - in fact, I've never explained why I'm in therapy. That makes it very lonely, and I can only talk to T about it. Yeah, 50 mins a week is it. A week if I'm lucky, because sometimes it's longer between sessions because he does some outside stuff like teaching and supervising.

I kinda envy you because you were able to cry. I just can't .... yet .... although it's coming. I know I'm going to feel better when I do, but I just can't - not in his office anyway. I'm sorry the pain was so intense for you. It sounds like a very painful session, but you survived. I think just feeling the pain, letting it out, leads to healing.

"I can *see* the sky, but I can't quite get back there."

I'm dealing with something similar and it's SO frustrating!!!! I got to a good place once and then lost it, and now I have to figure out how to get back there. I did it once - I can do it again - but when?????? Gaaahh!! Keep plugging away. Post every day, post dozens of times a day, whatever it takes to get you to Monday. Hang in there.

I'm so sorry, Tree.

You have a community of people here that care about you very, very much.

((((((((((Tree)))))))))) Bless your heart. (((((((((LittleTree)))))))))) You are being so brave right now.

No one can ever know the tears shed under the cover of the moon.
But we can send you very big and safe hugs.

((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

That's because there aren't any general rules. Even with one person, the boundaries shift depending on mood and circumstances and whether other people are around. It doesn't help that some people aren't good at setting their own clear boundaries and they can end up having regrets afterward if they decide that they are no longer comfortable if things got too intense. A big part of it is learning to set and hold your own boundaries. That makes it easier to understand how other people are doing it, and the challenges they face as they also adjust to changing circumstances.

((((Tree)))) you did really well with sending that message first and not letting it build up too big i'm glad T is a safe person to cry with, just wish the inbetween wasn't so hard and lonely and hope you keep reaching out here and contact T as you need to

I wish You didn't have to hurt so much Tree. I wish none of us had to. Sending you caring thoughts and safe hugs.

tree, so many hugs to you. You are so brave and have come SO FAR. Please try to be patient, times are still hard but nothing like before maybe - from what I read today on another thread - you are so much stronger.

I wish it didn't hurt you so. (((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))

Tree - I'm so sad to hear that you're having such a rough time right now. Posting here you know you have many people who can relate to the things you've said and feel for what you are going through. Pain stinks. Feeling pain from emotions and feeling alone in RL stinks. Know that you are cared about here and continue to let us know how you're holding up this week. A week is a long time between appointments. I don't think I'd do very well with that right now so I can understand what you're saying.

Just wanted to give ya one of these and ohh how important it is that you can still see the sky-keep looking up and never down into that hole! This sounds like a lot of pain and feeling alone in it-just know we are thinking about ya and think you are doing amazing work and it sounds like there are pathways to healing that are being uncovered-hang in there!!

I didn't cry for the first couple of years of T, but then I did.

This is the first time I've cried about this, which truly has to be my deepest wound. I never thought I WOULD cry about it - I didn't think I COULD. I'm not even sure why. All I've ever felt about it before are terror and a big, BIG sense of "yuck" and of just being gross.

Today I really cried about something very specific about it. It was scary to let myself feel that sadness for that little me. I didn't cry when it was happening. Being scared and feeling gross are one thing...crying is something else altogether. It's feels like a way of allowing my little self to realize she didn't deserve what happened.

T left a message for me tonight, mainly saying he'll leave a message for me tomorrow...but in the message, he said that he could so understand the trigger, and could see and feel how much it hurt. And he said that even though I am so sad right now, I'm going to be okay. And it helped a little.

It feels like my worlds are colliding...the busy-ness of life with my boys, the stress that is going on with H, the childhood stuff that is hanging around right now. The transitions of my sweet kitty and my sweet friend dying and of my son starting high school. Just...all of it.

I think I need to just sleep for a while.

I'm so sorry you are hurting ((((((((((tree)))))))))))))
Sending many comforting hugs.

(((((((tree))))))))

((((Tree))))

tree, I'm sorry you're hurting so much but you will get through it with the help of your wonderful T. You're a very strong and brave woman.

I don't know your history since I'm new here, but it sounds like you've got an awful lot going on right now. Loss of a friend, loss of a pet, etc. - any one of these would be difficult, but all at once can feel overwhelming. I just hate it when things pile up like that, because I start thinking that I can't handle it, it's too much, etc. But somehow ... I survive.

I think stress like you have right now is almost like having a wound or an illness - we are not operating at 100% and we need extra care to get through it. Please take care of yourself and believe in your own value. Sleep is good! Give yourself a break whenever you can, and however you can. Maybe some chocolate????? Know that someday you'll look back and say, "Y'know, 2011 was just an incredibly crappy year!!!!"

You have friends who are rooting for you here, and a wonderful T. You can do this, and you will come out the other side - back to the blue sky - and be stronger for it.

I am so sorry you're going through such a difficult time . I hope you can work through it and get out stronger on the other side.

Hugs. You are making progress. I've been in therapy for five years and I wish I could get stuff out the way you do here and in therapy.

I am so spoiled. T left me the longest message...he actually ran out of room on my voice mail and had to call back to finish it.

In part of the message he talked directly to my littlest part, and told her how much she is loved and cared for and how the feelings won't feel so big forever. And I could FEEL IT, waaaaaaaaaaaaay down inside. Just this sense of...relief? or maybe just of being loved. I know that that part of me never felt loved, not even kind of, and its like something inside just settled down a little when he told her that. He's told her before that he loves her, and I know he does...but I guess it hits SO deeply right now because she is telling him the scariest stuff...and right in the middle of that, she's LOVED. It just makes everything a little bit more okay. To FEEL the yuck and the overwhelmingness of it, and to be loved through it.

And I have this feeling that someday, if SHE is okay, then *I*, grown up tree, will be okay.

OMG though. It's soooooooooo painful. It's like in order to open up to the love, I have to open up to the pain. It's good, and it's bad, and it's hard, and I'm tired.

I'm grateful for my busy, busy life. I don't know how I could get through this if I had to sit with it very much.

(((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))) you are doing great.

Hi Tree,

I've said before that I think you're wise and brave, and I still really, really do. But I wanted to send big hugs for the moment, when I'm guessing being brave is pretty tough.

--2or3