[Elana05]

Feeling so flat today. I can't seem to move. I wish I could disappear.
I dragged myself downstairs to do laundry.
The best thing I did was call my T.
Yesterday she asked me as I was leaving if I wanted a second appointment today since she had a cancellation. I thought this was really nice of her... But I always worry about the money. So I said no, that I would wait until next week.
This morning I called and asked if I could have the appointment after all.
She hasn't returned my call.
Do I or don't I?
I would feel better knowing I had it to look forward to this evening.
Sometimes I hate all of this.
I wish I were someone else.

[Elana05]

She called back but it was sort of too late. It just didn't leave me enough time to get there in the midst of rush hour traffic. I hate that I said no yesterday but said yes today and I'm all crazy and indecisive. I have trouble knowing what to do to take care of myself. On the other hand, I felt pretty good last night but horrible today. What's up with that? I still feel sad. I feel sad that she didn't call me sooner, but I totally understand that I was the one who asked for a last minute change. I know she is busy with one person right after the other during the day, so I understand she didn't get to my phone message until this evening. But I still feel abandoned. Somehow that little child within me doesn't understand the clear, logical reasons. She just knows that she was in pain this morning and she reached out but didn't get a response until it was too late. These emotional things turn very black and white to me. I usually get past an issue like this by dismissing it. I just think "whatever, that's OK, I get it - it's totally understandable." But I don't usually let myself have the disappointment.

((((((((elana))))))))))) i am sorry t called you back too late to go in again. yup, we are indecisive, but i think the t's know this... we are in therapy after all.
sending safe hugs