Wasn't going to post about this, but.....

I intruded on my T's privacy again. I know it's wrong, and I'll get criticized here, but I want to share anyway. I guess I want to confess here before I confess to my T in my session.

I've seen my T on FB but she has 1 photo and the rest is all private. She knows I've seen it. She knows I google her too. I think she knows I know her children's names also. I don't go on FB too often but I did a few days ago to send someone a message. As long as I was on, I clicked on my T's d's name and realized there were public photo albums. So, I looked.

I saw only 1 photo of my T, and it was with her H who I've never seen before. I was always curious about him. So now I know what he looks like. I am not so interested in all the photos of her d and her friends and trips and so on, though it bothers me that kids wear almost nothing at the beach these days.

I feel bad for looking, like I've disappointed my T. She won't be angry and she will just want to talk about why I did it, but I feel crummy. Yet I would do it again! I can't stop my urge to know more. I wish there had been more photos of her and her H!

I have been fine since my last session, actually glad that she's my T and not my friend. But here I am, taking steps backwards just because I can click on someone's name and see her public photo albums.

I just want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person for doing this and not wanting to stop. If there were new albums, I'd look again. I know it's wrong but it's not a crime. Or, maybe I am a bad person. Rather, that PART of me is bad.

no criticism from me, rainbow. you are not bad.

All you can do is be straight with your T about this. Try to stay off of her relatives' web pages though; she shouldn't have to "protect" her relatives from unsolicited intrusions by her patients. It doesn't make you a bad person though, just a bit boundaryless. You already know how your T will handle the situation. Don't try to dwell on it too much.

It's only natural to be curious about your T as a person. You open up and tell them everything about yourself and it is their job not to tell you about themselves. With most relationships you get some reciprocation.

I do that stuff all the time. I have never had a T who, on some level, didn't expect some of that

You're not a bad person. The way I see it, you just want to feel connected to her.

I found pics of my therapist, too. Yes, I looked at them. I saved them. I was scared to death to tell her, but I did. It was no big deal to her. She understood why I needed to see them. I no longer have the urge to look at them. I know she won't make a big deal about it, so that makes me less curious to find anything.

I feel better now that I posted and didn't get yelled at. I do enough yelling at myself!

rainbow_rose: thanks for being here. I wish I could help YOU more.

farmergirl: thanks for the advice. Trying not to dwell on it.

inedible: that's what I think; it's natural to be curious. I wish my T could just bring me some pictures. Maybe then I wouldn't look!

Omers: My T knows I do things like that already. Still, it's wrong.
yang: you're right. I DO just wanted to be connected to her--very much so.

Squiggle: I think I remember when you posted about the pictures. My T won't make a big deal out of it either, except for how it affects me. I was better with accepting our relationship after last session, but now I feel sorta sad again, about it. Not totally, though. I can still "feel" her hand and know we're connected.

Rainbow

No, I don't think you're a bad person, either. I think you are desperately seeking ways to feel a connection with your T that will last in between sessions. You are trying to find something that will give you that "high" until the next time you see T. While I think there are better ways to seek out that connection, I don't think what you did makes you bad.

Have you ever asked your T if she would be willing to show you some pictures or if she would take a picture with you? If you haven't asked yet, and that is something you would like, perhaps it would be worth asking? It seems a lot of Ts are open to this because they understand that clients want to see/have pictures of them, and they would rather have that out in the open and be involved in that process, than have the client seek out that information themselves.

In my case, when I was talking to my T about how I like the fact that she is such a good mom to her kids, she spontaneously offered to show me pictures of her with her kids. I never took her up on the offer, but I was pretty surprised she MADE the offer. I thought she would consider showing pictures of her family "too personal" but she doesn't see it that way.

Thus, if you want something like a picture of/with your T, it might be a good idea to ask her. Of course, there's the chance that she could say no, but if she said yes, then it would be something that she gave WITH HER BLESSING-- and I think that would be much more meaningful and something you could enjoy much more than something you found on the internet and felt "guilty" about.

For me, I don't have the desire to see pictures of my T, but I do have the desire to know certain personal information. While there is the option of seeking that information out online, I've always believed that the best policy is to ask her directly. I've been surprised at how willing she has been to answer my questions. So far, if I've asked her a direct question, she has always given me a direct answer. I think she respects the fact that I ask her questions rather than search google (I know she has other clients who do google)-- and I think that's part of why she chooses to answer. Her answers are also probably a lot better than anything I could find on google!

Hang in there, Rainbow! Hope the talk with T goes well next session! Sending safe hugs!

I do not think you did anything wrong nor did you really invade her privacy (I mean you did not do a background check on her or send private investigators out to take photos etc). You looked on a public type page where info was posted and it is natural to want to something about these people. I hope you can give yourself a break about this - I do not think you harmed the t in any way.

I don't think you are a bad person Rainbow. I think that you are a kind, caring, wonderful person.

You are not bad at all! It's natural to be curious. But I think there are other ways to gain this information that will cause less negative emotions for all involved. Of course, talk about it with T she will understand and maybe you both can brain storm a better alternative.

Good luck!

Its not a crime, and for some its a natural thing to want to do. I've done it too, and to be honest it was painful for me. I was caught between wanting to be more to T then just a client, thinking that there was more that could be had if ONLY I was part of her private life, but thats just fantasy, to be with someone in the moment is as close as any 2 people can be. Continue to talk about your desire to want to know more about her adn also how you feel automatically that youu should be "punished" for those feelings. Was closeness something you were shamed for growing up? Lots of stuff to work on here.

The part I have issue with is that you constantly write "I can't help it" or "I can't stop the urge."

Yes, you can... you choose not to.

You choose to violate boundaries. Many abusers use the "I can't help it" line too, to justify their actions. While you are not an abuser, you make excuses for your behaviors that you consciously recognize as problematic.

While your T may not have a problem with your actions, the real question you need to ask yourself is why do you justify actions you feel/know are wrong and violate boundaries?
Just because you want something, does not mean you need to act on it.

HHmm, You appear to be triggered by this, I wonder why? Perhaps you struggle with the same desires?

I understand that everyone must decide for themselves where the boundaries between them and their T are, but I'm not sure all this beating up on yourself, assisted by some of the well meaning posters here, is really completely necessary.

You looked at publicly accessible information on a facebook account. It's not that you friended her family members so you could read their private walls or whatever, it's not like you hacked her email. I'm just saying keep it in perspective. People who get upset when someone "googles" them or when someone reads their facebook account that they haven't made private or for cripe's sake, insists that their privacy has been violated when someone they didn't want to reads their blogs clearly don't understand the internet. It's their responsibility to protect their privacy. If it's on the web, then there isn't any violation going on when someone reads it.

I realize this is a legalistic analysis of the situation and doesn't necessarily fit the psychological and social reality of the situation that you are describing here. I don't know if you've promised your T that you wouldn't read this stuff or if you just feel guilty about it nonetheless.

Anne

No, I am triggered by Rainbow's patterns, where she knows she is doing something that violates boundaries, but does it anyway. Then excuses it by saying "I can't help it."

Many abusers, drug addicts, etc. use the "I can't help it" and it sets up behavioral patterns that hurt people.

I don't have those desires, because I understand and respect boundaries and my T's privacy. I am on the other end of the spectrum completely, because I realize the relationship is professional and she is there to help me heal... not share her life with me.

I have extreme attachment issues since I was raised in a very abusive environment and then foster care. But, I understand that my attachments need to come IRL, not a paid professional. Also, I respect my T and her privacy.

The pattern triggers me and the excuse.

I need to figure out how to block these posts.

rainbow,
you are not a bad person for doing this. I think you should definitely further explore this with your therapist so you can figure out why you are doing it and how you can stop so you don't have to feel bad about it.

emptyspace - you don't have to read or reply to "these" posts, You are making a choice, you are able to choose not to.

Sounds like a strong transference you are having. The same way to feel compelled to act that out on rainbows post can helpt you see how she also has a strong urges that she's still blind too. Once you allow yourself to feel your own pain then your reaction will be more natural.

You are correct. I choose to read these posts and try and present a different perspective, because so many people seem to think that it is ok to do whatever to a T and that it is part of therapy.

In this case, Rainbow invaded her daughter's privacy as well as the T's privacy. Yes, Facebook is public, as is the internet, but what about simple respect.

It is not about being "bad" or "good" ... it is not black and white. But it comes down to respect.

Rainbow admits to spending years in therapy to get over the attachment to T. When the T sets boundaries like in session, Rainbow finds a way around to get what she wants. (ie Facebook more).

Perhaps Rainbow does not want to change. And that is fine too. It is her therapy. But, why post if you are not interested in trying to change, but just want support to state that your relationship with your T will be ok...

The reason Rainbow said she has been in therapy for so long is because of T addiction... and with this T for over a year.

How is it helping to support behaviors that feed that addiction, all the time?
Change has to come from within and from trying things that may be difficult for us not the familiar. Violating T's privacy is familiar to Rainbow...part of the addiction.

Change would be, for example, Rainbow journaling about why she wants to search Facebook and then telling T, instead of just searching facebook, feeding the addiction, and then telling T.

I would support that 100% if I saw a post like that, because it shows an attempt to grow.

Actually I had posted on a previous post my insight into Rainbow's posts and why it bothers me, and it had to do with my past and Rainbow's behavioral pattern.

The few people that offer a different perspective are always shot down and disappear. Instead of perhaps seeing those as valid comments, in response to a continuous behavioral pattern.

15+ years of therapy doing the same behavior pattern has not helped because part of healing is willingness to change and take responsibility for actions that are self-sabatoging.

What I am trying to understand is why there is continuous support when the same behaviors are posted over and over. Is that helping or enabling?

I don't think it makes you a bad person rainbow... but it was not a mature thing to do. And it was not good for your emotional state of being either as you see. Are few seconds of looking at your T's pictures worth hours of guilt and self-doubt?

interesting thread...I have known my therapist for 20 years. When I am curious about something I just ask her and she answers me. I know alot of personal info about her but it never gets in the way of the therapy. It is important for me to feel like I am talking with a "real" person and not a "blank slate" and she pretty much will answer my questions so I do not have to wonder or search info out on my own. As for photos of her, I have taken photos of her in our sessions over the years. She is fine with that. Rainbow, it's OK to be curious maybe you could just ask her instead of searching on your own.

emptyspace, don't faint or anything but I AGREE with you! It would be better if I had told my T that I was tempted to look at the photo albums and why, instead of doing it.

I think I did attempt to grow when I told my T, in an email, and then in the session, that her emailing me once a week was triggering and we should discuss it. I know that's different; not about boundary crossing, but it was hard for me. I like getting the email, but realized it wasn't good for me. That may seem small, but it isn't. It hurts not to get that email, but I think it was a good decision on my part.

My T believes the connection is important in therapy. It's not black or white. She now holds my hand, then takes it away slowly and asks how I am. I'm working on this stuff!

I respect my T very much, and I agree with you it's wrong to invade her privacy. I feel guilty about doing it. But I did it already so now all I can do is talk about it here and with my T.

I posted because I feel a part of this community and didn't want to be alone with my feelings. Even if I'm wrong, or because I'm wrong, I like the hugs and support. I am self-critical. I don't need more of that!

Please stick around. You're helping me acknowledge my issues again and again.

You understand your attachments need to come in real life? Why isn't a healthy attachment to a therapist REAL LIFE? Sure, it has its limits, and doesn't extend beyond the T room, but isn't it an attachment????

You can respect a T and give them privacy while still being attached, right? Just clarifying here.