[beautiful.mess]

Apologies in advance for the lengthy post....

I got a last minute call from my t on Monday telling me that he had to cancel our appt for that day (our weekly appt). He actually left a message (because I didn't get to the phone fast enough) so I never got to talk to him initially, and when I called back less than 10 minutes later, the receptionist told me I had just missed him. So I gave my name and number and just said to let him know I was returning his call.

So all week, I'm sitting here waiting, waiting, waiting for him to call back and reschedule. My mind started to wander into the "what if he forgot about me" territory which was VERY hard for me to fight off. I don't want to think the worst; I have enough abandonment issues as it is and he knows this. I was literally panicking because I didn't have my session this week. It was REALLY throwing me for a loop because I really don't like to go even though I know deep inside it's what I need right now in my life.

Well, I finally broke down a little while ago and called the office. I thought, I need to put my big girl panties on and called again. The receptionist told me he's out on bereavement and won't be back til Monday, which will be 2 weeks since I was in last.

Now I'm wishing that maybe he DID actually forget about me, because it's occurring to me that I've actually had a pleasant week since not going to T. Not walking around all the time with that dead weight that t brings has been......really, really nice. I've actually been able to feel something other than vulnerability and pain and concentrate on something OTHER THAN therapy for the first time in MONTHS.

So I guess I'll be going back after all. I mean, I know he didn't forget me.

I just can't stand myself sometimes. I want to go to t....then I don't want to go to t.....I hate my t......I miss him. UGH. Why can't I just be normal!?!? NORMAL!!!! I feel like a 12 year old stuck in an adult body, which is so embarrassing I can't even describe it. No one IRL knows I am like this; I hide it very well. And I know I will need to bring this all up with him which makes me want to run naked into oncoming traffic. Seriously, I'd rather have my gums scraped.

I guess I just needed to get that out.

I SO understand what you are talking about.... the bothness of therapy... just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with these feelings

[rainbow_rose]

beautiful.mess:

[childofyen]

I agree, you are so NOT alone. You'd be alone if you were running naked into traffic, but not with this...

[Wysteria]

Awww BeautifulMess,

You made me laugh out loud...if you only knew..I swear I almost wrote the exact same words a few weeks ago...except I was just going to go and play in traffic. That feeling of vulnerability is just so awkward and frustrating and maddening at times. I am glad that you took the time away to actually breathe and look up and around a bit. I know it's been hard on you having to wait the whole 2 weeks. Maybe you need to ask him for the occasional just relaxed and healing appt to give you that same mental and emotional break even when you are with him. My T and I had one about 6 weeks ago, and it was really great. I think about once every 4 months or so I'm going to ask for another.

I'm so sorry that your T had a death in the family, and hope that he will be all right.

Hope you can continue to relax and enjoy your weekend now that you know you will be seeing him very soon again.

Hugs,

WB

[granite1]

i go through this a lot lately with my T.i am so not use to feeling like i care about her or any of that stuff.it kind of blindsided me and i am so not comfortable with it at all.i didnt even want to go on vacation because i wanted to stay here and see her.i dont like it so i totally understand that back and forth feeling and how uncomfortable it must make you feel and how strange.glad you were eventually able to take a small break for yourself also.