[elliemay]

with the profound - almost compulsion - to apologize to your therapist? I mean for everything.

This happened to me yesterday. I left the office feeling very very horrible about, well just about everything.

I actually called him and apologized for basically being there.

It was quite horrible.

I can't help but feel I should be past this in some way. I am still so exquisitely sensitive to rejection and feelings of any ill will that I may detect from him.

I wish I was stronger.

[emptyspace]

I am sorry you are feeling this way.
Yes, I have left a session and later called to apologize for being born and meeting T, thus making her life miserable. I was feeling so low about myself as a person, that I could not believe anyone would want to be around me... and I was projecting.

Clearly it is linked to the past, so perhaps reflecting on what triggered the reaction or when you have felt the need to apologize to other "authority types" might help figure out your response.

Good luck.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I can't help but feel I should be past this in some way. I am still so exquisitely sensitive to rejection and feelings of any ill will that I may detect from him.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish that you work through this some more. Are you going to tell T this? Remember that healing occurs in layers and you just got to a deeper layer. Something that comes to my mind that you might possibly need to work through are some incidents of past rejection (maybe from a parent) and if so, you just might be getting triggered.

with the profound - almost compulsion - to apologize to your therapist?

Yep - several times. He always asks me to explain just what I'm apologizing for, and then I fumble for words and say something like, "But I was just so awful to you." Ugh. Hate it when I do that. I have no insights here - just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[beautiful.mess]

Not only have I felt this way, but I have apologized too. I apologized for taking up his "valuable time". It's like, I'm trying to dig myself out of a hole from the bottom. Lots of hugs being sent your way.

[skysblue]

Oh yes. And calling T immediately after session to apologize.

[granite1]

most sessions i feel this way and when i can talk i tend to apologise that way i know i did it and maybe things wont be so bad.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Yup - especially when I've talked about something particularly difficult, or felt like I've been snarky to my T.

I DO apologize to her, either in email or the very next session. 9 times out of 10, she tells me the apology is unnecessary, but that she appreciates it. On a rare occasion, she will tell me that she doesn't accept my apology because it's unwarranted and then we talk about why I felt the need to apologize. Once in a great while, we both agree the apology IS appropriate and she accepts it and we move on.

I think (at least for me) the apology stems from the fact that talking about whatever is so uncomfortable for me that I figure my T must not want to hear about it either. Also, when I'm really upset, I tend to get really snarky - sarcastic, grouchy, reactive - and that's also when I've started calling my T for support, so she gets the brunt of my reaction. Turns out I'm not nearly as nasty as I think I am, and while I hear myself being completely obnoxious in my head, it doesn't come across that way. Besides, my T actually understand that it's a reaction to emotions, not actually a reaction to her.

I too have felt that way, times when I got really emotional... I was apologetic at the time I think, but I've never called back later. We've always finished session with a reassuring reciprocated smile, so it always feels like 'closure' for that week I guess

[velcro003]

yep. and i felt this way last week and plan on going in and apologizing for always shutting down.

[nicoleb2]

I have apologized to my t more times than I can count. Every time I shut down, or just can't open up. When I know t is getting frustrated, I apologize. When I feel awful, i apologize. When I have been in the hospital and missed appointments, i apologize...

[learning1]

I don't apologize much because I assumed it's just therapy and he wouldn't take it personally/ wouldn't care, even if I'm acting a way where I would apologize in real life. Now from reading all your posts, I think I shouldn't do that.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Well, I don't think I ever just left in the middle of a session, but once, I got up and left without saying goodbye. It was very obvious that I did this because I was upset and so I decided to talk about it in my next session - not easy to do but I am glad I did.

[Flooded]

Only when I've been more obnoxious than usual..

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Flooded

Only when I've been more obnoxious than usual..

I love love love your signature line.

[elliemay]

This whole ordeal has left me so sad that I hated to revisit this thread. Thank you all so much for your responses and support. When I called my therapist to apologize, I told him I didn't need a call back. Of course at the time, I wasn't sure I merited one (that's how poorly I felt)

I see now that was a mistake because I'm left feeling - "You see, I was right, he *is* rejecting me.

Look, I know this is about something that is happening outside of therapy. I don't know what that may be, but there is no way my therapist would do anything to hurt me. I know I have the ego strength and the trust to cope with this.

Sometimes (not always) I feel like I have to be so friggin' perfect all the time.

[popeye]

I had a T that kicked me out of her office.....she told me when I quit drinking I could come back. She said she could not help me unless I quit drinking.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((( elliemay )))))))))))))))) just wanted to give you some hugs, you are so low. I hope things come right for you soon.

[skysblue]

Elliemay, how does your T respond to your apologies?