not again! (more bad therapy)

I took a leap of faith and followed my new doc's directions to see a therapist at his agency.

I saw one, then had to switch to see a female therapist.

She was an hour late today, came at 3pm when my appt was at 2pm. I was willing to forgive the lateness, but it was harder for me to forgive how she handled it. She called one time to say, I will be there at 2:20. Well, at ten till three, she still had not come. Then I called her to ask how much longer and she did not answer her phone, which rang and rang and rang. When she did finally show up at ten till three, she told me later, "I did not want to answer the phone." I wish she had answered becauase I did not know if she was lost, in an accident, or just plain dragging her heels.

Then I tried to tell her about my issues around my aunt abusing me and I was triggered when she said, "your aunt loved you." I am processing the idea that she did not love me---do not want to kid myself into believing that she did. My aunt did not act loving. Then, she told me I was defensive about my "abandonment issues" when I told her I was upset about her being later than she said she would be and then not being at her phone.

In all, I felt invalidated as though I needed to over explain myself, as though I were a bad kid again trying to defend my goodness.

I feel that when this happens, it's not a match.

Billi

Oh my gosh!! I am really sorry it went so badly. That therapist's behaviors and words were all totally inappropriate. Doesn't sound like a match to me either.

Just a thought about her not having answered the phone when you called. Was she driving to work? Many people do not talk on the phone while they are driving (actually, none of us should talk on the phone while we're driving when it comes right down to it). I have no idea if that was the reason, but it would be a possible explanation if that were the case.

My thought is that if she was stuck in a bad traffic situation or other good reason, that she could have just been honestly late. I'd see what happens next session. I never answer my phone when I'm driving for safety reasons, and if she was stressed about driving AND lateness, she could have wanted to spare you her stressed tone over the phone.

Ask her for clarification about the aunt comments. I once misunderstood my T's point about a similar comment and when I asked, his explanation really helped.

I'd give her a second chance and then decide.

If it were me, I would run from this therapist as fast as I could.

First of all, it's really up to you decide whether or not your aunt loved youand to come to that in your own time and on your own terms. It certainly isn't for your therapist to tell you that she did.

The lateness is a separate issue, and I am definitely not saying that what your T said is highly professional or even appropriate behavior.

My point is that any T, just like any person, can say some stupid s*^& from time to time. When I stop to consider some of the idiotic crap that sometimes pops out of my mouth, occasionally in a professional context, I want to cringe. I don't think that the test of a good T is whether they never say any stupid thing that makes you feel invalidated or triggered or unhappy or whatever. They all say stupid stuff from time to time.

The question is, can you go back to her and tell her how you felt about what she said. You should be able to, you said it here. How does she respond? Does she say more of the same, does she deny what she said, or does she hear you and perhaps you move to a new place as a result?

You can't expect any T to always know the right thing to say. Maybe she never says the right thing, it's hard for me to tell from your post. Dr. Phil, although I am so not a fan, says "we teach people how to treat us." The point in relationships is to communicate, and in T that's pretty much what it's all about. We share ourselves, they respond to us. Sometimes their response is not what we want. We have to tell them this. Sometimes their response is sorry, I messed up. Sometimes their response is something different. But it's their response to being told that they have messed up from our perspective that determines the value of T. IME, anyway.

Anne

As Ellie-Beth stated. I would give it another shot but I fully agree that she has already crossed the line. Therapists should be able to keep there issues out of their sessions but, perhaps, she was having a REALLY bad day. Who knows.

The best Therapists that I have had have guided me so that I "discovered" issues and answers "all by myself" rather than the Therapist telling me outright.

If my Therapist just tells me something that I'm not ready for, I may not believe it, I may not act on it, I may even hold it against him.

Yes, it's up to you to learn and understand your family issues on your own with gentle guidance as necessary.

Unless she was on the freeway, I wished she had at least pulled over and called me.

But it did cross my mind that she might have been in the middle of driving.

I will ask her today during my appt: "Did you not want to answer the phone because you were driving?" and if she has a different answer, such as, "No, I just didn't want to answer.", I will consider it a mismatch.

Billi

I will talk to her today and ask about the aunt thing. As well as other things, like "were you making an observation about my "defensiveness or were you offended about it?"

I will watch very closely her reactions to my talking today and if she appears to be upset with me or taking my issues personally, it is not a match.

Billi

I agree with ricwag and although I understand that therapists are human, just as someone else here mentioned, they need to keep their issues out of session, unless they are prepared to hear a client call them on it. I can forgive a therapist easier if they are honestly sorry for a foible.

Thanks,

Billi