I Hope My T Screws Up Today

2:30 PST. thanks. I'll let you know what I end up doing.

Why the frown? You seem resolved yet you're frowning?

Hi Melissa - can you clarify what you think the lesson I might not be choosing to learn? I just don't want to go to that painful place. Is that what I'm supposed to do? And how will that help anything? Except to show how I'm able to survive - one more time. And that's helpful, why?

Skysblue I dont know what your lessons will be. All I know is that I have learned that my "survival mode" is no longer serving a good purpose and to start living I had to own my feelings and vulerabilities as not a good or bad thing but just a part of who I am. I am coming to accept that while uncomfortable walking through the fire of emotions and learning to explore my emotions was the one thing that has started to set me free. It has started to let me live my life with a certain amount of passion rather than whew I survived that...whats next?

(((( skysblue ))))

I totally understand how now may not feel like the right time for you to work on this. I believe the idea may be that you have an opportunity to "do things differently" when it comes to the ruptures between you and T. It's so hard to walk away from a rupture unresolved, to continue to be reminded of that hurt every now and then...but it's not resurrecting it just to relive the pain again. It's to try to work through it, to experiment with ways to help resolve it, instead of burying that pain for it to surface later on in one way or another. It's easier said than done...and only you know when you're ready and willing to do that.

FWIW, I imagine that if I were in your shoes, I would want to do the same thing - try to find a way to distance myself, to avoid the pain....and then try to address it afterwards, as it is less risky than bringing the painful emotions to the surface and risk not feeling "okay" when the absence arrives.

((( HUGS )))

I think there's more than just fear of the painful feelings. I think there's also fear of what the consequences might be. I've had the experience when feelings erupted, they almost ruined my life. What if I lose control? What if I go somewhere and can't come back? What if I lose my mind?

Those are all really good questions...and the only time my emotions have erupted is when I try to fight them away. I thought those same things and I have yet to lose complete control, lose my mind, or go somewhere I cant come back from...it only feels that way at first. Maybe that would be a more general way to open the topic with T.

"T I wanna know how to best handle my emotion so I dont feel like (fill in the blank). I have been trying to distance myself from you so November wont hurt as bad as I am anticipating but Intellectually I know this isnt the. Best thing. What can I do differently?"

(((( skysblue ))))

I experience these same feelings....that intense fear of losing control, etc. I do understand. Those kinds of feelings also keep me from progressing in certain areas.

I'm realizing there's another emotion at play here - pride. I just don't want T to know that I might be vulnerable. I want to be in the emotional space I was in last week.

He/she already knows you have vulerabilities...you are human. Its whether you choose to expose those and see where that exploation takes you. Maybe you will discover new growth, a new passion, new positive qualities about yourself...

It is all up to you...

It's all up to me? Oh, man, my resistance is so strong right now. In 3 hours, will I be able to step into the fire?

Maybe talk to her about the November break but I can't see broaching the topic of her forgetting. What good would that do? Sure, she'll apologize but the deed has been done. I have already been forgotten and abandoned. The fact is the fact.

You may want to consider focusing on the November break...and if those feelings of being forgotten and abandoned come up, then address those as well....they may be intertwined somehow internally.

I remember one time that someone in group T shared something really personal about themselves and feared being rejected, judged, etc....and I told her that I felt so honored and trusted by her, that she risked sharing such an intimate part of herself with us. She was incredibly surprised and it wasn't anything like she imagined. You just might be surprised, skysblue.

Good luck this afternoon. Could you write her about forgetting and then talk about it after she reads about it? Sometimes that worked for me. At least then I got to tell her in a way I knew I controlled, how angry I was at things t had screwed up (mine never admitted to a screw up or apologized, but she knew I knew she had)

If there is time I would go into both but start with the one you are the most ready to go into. I think it would be huge to tell her how abandoned and forgotten you feel over her forgetting some big stuff. It is important for her to know in order to help you better. And when you walk in take a couple deep breaths before you start. I will be cheering you on...

I have put my heart on my sleeve so many times with T. My "Visualize This" thread goes into great detail. Even T has told me that her clients usually don't expose so much of themselves so candidly as I have done.

But I'm not convinced that all this exposing is doing any more than just make me feel more and more vulnerable and more and more likely to feel pain. I had put myself out there with the trust that it would move me forward but now I'm not sure.

How much more flapping in the wind do I need to do? My T is great. I like (love) her a lot. But, isn't there a time to just decide not to continue with the open heart surgery?

idk - I'm curious myself how the session will go today.

Can you say all of that to your T?

Are stopping because of fear or because you truly believe you have made enougj progress/growth in T?

hmmmmm - I don't think I can remember. See, writing is much easier for me to gather and explore my thoughts. Although I can talk a ton in session, it seems much less organized and clear. But, good point. I'll think about it.

Unfortunately I have a poetry workshop just before session so probably all my thoughts and feelings will have dissipated by that time and I'll be in mute/dumb mode.

Print this thread so you have notes

Last Wednesday I honestly believed I might be done because we/I had completed a huge huge task in therapy and I had forgotten all my other issues.

Okay, y'all lost me! By MY rules, you can't call it a rupture if there was no repair. Because it's actually a 3-step process: sync, rupture, repair (repeat). And each cycle makes the time spent in sync better, and hopefully the next rupture easier to bear and repair. But it takes a turning point to enter that cycle. So I can understand why, sky, you wouldn't want to try and force a turning point, it just doesn't work that way, it comes in its own time. Plan your work and work your plan, as they say (sounds like a good one to me), and let what happens, happen. The Buddhists do say to let go of expectations!

Really? What do you call a rupture with no repair then?

I am living proof that participating on PC has great benefits. Because so many of you took your time to help me sort through my 'plan', I was able to gather enough strength and courage to tell my T everything and abandon my dysfunctional and manipulative plan. (See 'Temporary Distancing" thread.)

The session started out mellow but I finally confessed that I was feeling really nervous. She said she detected that and had written 'nervous energy' in her notes. I told her about my plan for 'temporary distancing'. She wasn't surprised, of course, because she's seen my m.o. before.

I explained all my fears about being needy and weak and how I don't want to feel those things. She commented about my judgment of those feelings and how, if I could accept them, they wouldn't seem so painful. That I consider them shameful causes part of the pain.

I reminded her of the 2x4. She didn't remember until I said how an occurrence with her from a few weeks ago was like my heart hanging out exposed and she coming and swinging at it with a 2x4 ("Visualize This" thread). She then noted that we hadn't yet processed that. No repair had happened. Will she bring it up again? idk

I even reminded her of the very important thing that she had forgotten. Anne had reminded me that sometimes the cues we give people are not enough for them to bring the memory forth. Once I gave my T more cues, she DID remember. So, all of you were right in telling me to give her some slack.

Because we went slow and easy, I was able to share more and more. My T truly is awesome and I was able to tell her about some serious stressors in my life that she hadn't known about yet.

All in all, it was good. If I had have continued in my avoidance approach, I would have felt much less fulfilled and would have felt the session was wasted.

I even told her that I hated her. I really don't hate her and she knows i don't hate her but she needed to hear from me again how much power she has over my emotions. And that exposing them in such a raw manner is very very tough to do. And she can so easily hurt me - as I had pointed out to her in the past.

I've called her and asked her if she has a slot open for me later in the week. We're entering into some new stuff and I would hate to lose the momentum by having to wait a week.

So, all of you - thanks again for your kind and insightful encouragement. Once more you have help guide me in the right direction. Doc John has created a wonderful tool for us to use and I am very grateful for that. I can't imagine how much worse my situation would be if I hadn't had these past few months the wonderful feedback I get from all you folks.

Skysblue-- you are one in a million.

The thing is that T's aren't the ones who are doing the work....they are doing the guiding....if we don't open up, they can't guide & we get NOWHERE.....but how far we get even when we are open is still dependent on us as individuals & how much our mind wraps around what therapy is providing us