I Hope My T Screws Up Today

so glad things went ok

One thing interesting that T said - that this old method of mine of avoiding was a coping method that worked when I needed it to work. It did its job when I had no other methods consciously available to me. But, now, that I'm trying to grow and become more conscious and authentic, it is a method to be discarded.

Man, it is so scary to be open and vulnerable. I'm still not sure why this is good. I still need to ask T to explain it to me again. I think she must have explained it 100 times and I'm still not 'getting' it. Just like when we first started, I kept asking her, "Tell me again why accessing emotions are important". I am a very slow learner although she keeps telling me I'm making rapid progress. I don't see it but what do I know?

I thanked my T today for letting me be me, and I want to say the same to you, sky. HE started crying again (he's so EMOTIONAL! I so need to be), but I just wanted to say what a joy it is to read and reply to your posts. I do allow myself a little more leeway than I do with newer folk, or people I just feel I don't "know" as well, but again, just thank you for this privilege and opportunity. p.s., rupture w/o repair is, I don't know, just yelling? just semantics, really, that's what I meant by "my rules", ie my T's use of the term.

T offered me a 9:00 slot on Friday and I know she's not used to coming in that early. She lives about 30 minutes from her office. I live 2 minutes from her office. I left her a message and told her I didn't feel right having her come in early on an obviously busy day for her. So, like an idiot, I declined the spot.

They don't realize how they kill us with this stuff, or do they? T had to change my Thurs appt, he said, 5 pm thurs or 230 fri. I said, whatever works best for you. I don't have a life. he made it 1pm thurs. well now i'm gonna miss coronation street, that's okay, I can watch the omnibus on sunday, but I think i'm taking his lunch or naptime. he goes, I don't lunch, I GRAZE. and he goes, I have to tell you something tomorrow. lookit buddy, I let you tell me I sound like my mother, but you are NOT pulling THAT crap on me! tell me NOW. and I think it was just some carp about how he had been sad but the session turned out okay. I think I get more out of session when his guard is down.

You might know what I'm going to say: accept what people offer you. drink their milkshakes. take their love.

(Wally Lamb, She's Come Undone, like the greatest novel ever written)

My T talks about this concept as the "wisdom of symptoms." We don't just develop coping strategies randomly and without a purpose. I've noticed in the people I work with that those who grew up in family dynamics where they didn't have any control tend to develop a "take cover and wait until it's over" way of dealing with scary stuff. And what a smart and creative strategy that was when you're a kid with no power to change anything. As an adult, we gradually have to learn to be active in seeking what we want, or we end up without getting our needs met.

I am so honored to watch your progress here. You are amazing in your open willingness to consider what people say to you and drink it in, and take big risks in changing your behavior. We should all be as willing to learn from others here as you have been.

Anne

Yeah, sign me up there.

Hey there....I am so glad your appt went well today. Call T and take the appt he wouldnt have offeredif it wasnt ok. Just a suggestion...

Honestly though thank you for posting this I said alot of things that I too needed to be reminded of...awesome work. Not seeing our progress is normal I would say atleast for me.

Im a little bit mad at you. I would do anything to be able to have therapy. I lost insurance and have waited 4 months on waiting list
for a student therapist. And you want to punish and play games with yours . I know i shouldn' t judge you, but i wish you would appreciate your therapist and realize it' s not a war between you two. You both are on the same side. What a great gift you have and you are selfishly wasting it by criticizing your therapist and not allowing him/ her to be human.

Did I ever tell you guys that my T is awesome? Maybe once or twice. Well, believe it or not, she called back and left a message telling me that although she appreciated me trying to take care of her, it wasn't necessary. And she's happy to come in at 9:00 and please let her know. She said she believes I wouldn't have called if I hadn't felt it necessary.

So, I left her a return message and accepted the 9:00 slot. I did say, though, that I doubt the extra session is really 'necessary'. I just want it. Stuff is flowing from me now and I want to express it. New stuff I wasn't in touch with.

You're absolutely right I have been selfish and unappreciative and I want to change that aspect of myself. I know better than anyone how selfish and mean I am. I'm so sorry you can't access a therapist now. I will remember you whenever I feel like playing games with my T again. Thanks for your feedback.

I'm glad you got the extra appointment, skysblue! :-)

Ok I sound like the devils advocate or something...

I am going to challenge your doubting whether its necessary. I think it is absolutely necessary if my understanding of you is accurate. I think the reason you didnt want to take it is because you didnt want to sound needy. The fact that you asked for an extra session to let out some things you hadnt been in touch with is HUGE. and is absolutely necessary to begin becoming more comfortable with you vulnerabilities and emotions in a safe place...the therapy room.

I'm glad your session turned out well and that we all helped you! Your T is something special, to call you back about that appointment. Wow! I'm sure it will be productive too!!

Whatever you decide is ok. It' s your journey and your therapy. You' ll stop distancing and address those feelings at your own pace
not anyone elses.

I appreciate your honesty....would it help knowing that this experience is helping skysblue admit her patterns so that she has a better understanding of herself? Things don't happen by accident. There are reasons for it. So, by going through all of these emotions and actions - but then ultimately facing T, sharing the process, etc. it is a huge learning experience.

I totally understand the feelings it generates for you though. Just wanted to share a different perspective.

By sharing more of my life story with T yesterday, it became a bit more clear (to me and to T) why those patterns developed for me. Never in my life have I been able to trust people and for good reason. I have been hurt a lot (emotionally) and it has served me best to withdraw and to put up barriers.

With the encouragement of all of you, I was able to take another step forward. It feels like the gates are opening and I feel a flood of emotion rushing out from behind those gates. That's why I requested an extra session this week. This release must be expressed soon or I'll explode.

Well, I do think it is important to access how we feel and be able to express it freely. It allows for genuine connection with other people instead of relationships being characterized by fear or avoidance.

Well you did an awesome job yesterday and I hope tomorrow goes just as well. Keep up the good work. Its not always an easy road but it sure beats staying where we are at.

I'll share a poem T gave me yesterday. And she had hand-written it. It took my breath away while reading it. I am so touched that my T took the effort.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time is come
When with elation
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror
And each will smile at the other's welcome

And say, sit here, eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Feel your image from the mirror
Sit. Feast on your life.

Let us know what happens. We are all rooting for you.

wow, she hand wrote it? That's so lovely how did it make you feel

But then I told T that this seemed out of my reach - an impossibility. I love the idea but I don't know how to manifest it.

It made me feel like she has hope for me even though I have little hope for myself. It made me feel cared for.