Can Character Defects Be Overcome by Therapy?

skysblue, I think there is a huge distinction between a fundamental character flaw like a personality defect, and just having things you do that are undesirable or not liking the way you think. I'm not sure which you mean.

For instance, my mother has been institutionalized at least once her life and been to numerous doctors and tried therapy once when forced to go by her doctor (he said she had to go or he was having her involuntarily committed again). However, despite all of that, she is still a total narcissist who is unable to comprehend that she cannot do anything she wants to us just because we are her children. She was physically and sexually abusive, and yet would force us to comfort HER after she beat us, because of what we made her do. Her behavior persists to this day although she is no longer physically violent (thank god for that pain killer addiction!). My T says that changing someone like my mother is impossible, unless that person is willing to SEE what is wrong and really commit to working VERY hard on a daily basis to change.

For me however, I do tend toward sloth and anger (if we're talking about the seven deadly defects). I also lust -- a lot. I fight with myself to get off my butt and not wallow in self-pity. I struggle with self loathing in therapy ALL THE TIME and cannot seem to learn the lessons T keeps trying to teach me. My T assures me that changing some patterns is just a matter of repetition. It's slow and tedious but we eventually improve.

Can you look back over the last year and see no improvement whatsoever? I have not seen anything on this board anyway that would lead me to believe you have a serious character flaw.

that's a pretty big "if", IMO. If therapy helps you to try and try, then even if you fail and fail, that's progress. Every time you try you strengthen yourself, whether you succeed or not, is progress - unless you throw away the idea of growth, in order to focus on the failure.

No criticism is intended. I can say this ^ because I am one who has focused on failure. I'm now being challenged to venture out onto the deep waters of trying again... the sea of confidence is unknown territory to me, and I am scared of the deeps... but I have to try, with T's help & guidance.

I think that even if you do have a "character defect," you can learn to compensate for it. Therapy can help with that.

My reaction to the term "character defect" is that it is a way of discharging some anxiety when you are upset with someone and want to make it seem as though your upset is due to some "fact" in "reality" when it is just your being upset and wanting to blame someone. All of us are "defective" in some way if one wants to look at it that way.

You're not alone.

For me, the term 'character defect' has nothing to do with anyone else. It's purely about my inability to be what I want to be. Instead of lazy -hardworking; instead of selfish - generous; instead of lustful - continence; instead of self-indulgent - self-sacrifice; instead of anger - love; instead of egotistical- humble; instead of critical - compassionate.

Are you trying to work on all of those things at once? That seems like a lot to simultaneously change.

When I first saw the revived thread, I thought, hmm, my character defect is lack of empathy. Then I went back and reread everything, and I think that's what you mean, including FOR yourself; self-love. Because we didn't get it from our mothers; we don't have that voice in our heads saying, you're so smart and energetic, I'm so proud of you, you are so kind to other people! Didn't we deserve that for our actual deeds? Instead we got told how stupid and lazy we were. Lazy doesn't bring home A's, or a paycheck every week for 30 years. So that's why therapy: "it's the relationship that heals". Get some good mirroring. Maybe that's why I love clothes and hair makeovers - the professional sees the client's true form and pure esthetic potential, without all the BAGGAGE, and just makes it happen, boom! That's what it is, it's not character defect, it's baggage.

Oh, shotgun vs rifle, as I see it. with the shotgun you're increasing your chances of hitting something - yes?

Funny you ask. Well, no, not specifically. I have real-time issues that I'm working on. Uh, but the underlying assumption I have, I guess, is that my character defects are the problem. T keeps talking about my 'basic goodness' and I keep talking about how I'm 'deeply flawed".

You're funny. That's a good image. Yeah, I guess I think if I become 'good', then all things will be solved at once. idk