[cmac13]

I am wondering if a therapist writes a letter for her client to encourage the client about something that is of concern to the client and she signs it "Love" Therapist, does that mean she loves you? Do therapists love their clients?

[stopdog]

I hope not any of mine. It would completely freak me out. But I think there are some who will say they "love" clients in certain non-sexual ways. I think it may depend upon how loosely the word "love" is interpreted. I think they have to be able to find something to like or regard positively in order to be able to work with someone, and certainly they must be fonder of some clients than others. I personally find the word love to be fraught with peril (but remember I freak out when mine have told me they cared and liked me - so I am pretty far on one end of the scale).

Sure they can love their clients. My T has told me he loves me. It is nice to hear, and I completely understand it is a love within the confines of the therapy relationship. People in caring professions care deeply for the people they spend so much time with. That doesn't mean though that it is a romantic love or a family love though. I think that is where some clients get confused. There are many different types of love relationships out there. The love some T's feel for some clients is just one of those kinds. Does every T love every client though? I doubt it.

I don't think I would want my therapist to say that she 'loved' me. She never crosses that line. I guess her boundaries are very strict when it comes to things like that. No hugging, no touching, no "Love" you things.

[Wren_]

I think there are still some people that sign letters with "love" as a sign off; what they mean by it varies widely. I would say and hope that most T's do care about their clients, and some would love them (in safe, positive, caring ways) but as to what was meant by that signoff you'd need to ask them - assuming this is what your T did?

[cmac13]

ussually she signs letters for me "fondly" but this one time she signed it "love". She is older than me and the relationship is maternal. I have known her and been in therapy for 20 years. She always hugs me at the end of my sessions if I ask her. Never anything sexual, just very motherly and nurturing.

[unaluna]

my t and I sign our emails love. I would say I feel sisterly towards him, if his sister is Angelina Jolie!

I don't think anyone can say what another truely feels about someone. Love is a human emotion, one cannot control or demand it. Sometimes perhaps feelings of love a parent gets for a child they've grown with will come into it. Its not a romantic love, more an agape sort of love. I don't suppose all therapist feel this way as theirs lots of therapist that haven't done their own healing and actually are incapavle of reaching that level, but there are a lot that are capapble, I'd say from my own expeeince.

[DelusionsDaily]

I would run if a T directed that word at me...but I guess it's possible.

I think it is utterly important to define the word love within your relationship. But, yes, I do love my clients. I am in this field because I am a compassionate and loving person. When someone walks into my office, presents themselves in a vulnerable and intimate way, how could I not love them? The love I am talking about is not sexual, or unhealthy. It is a bonding of 2 people. Of having compassion for another human being, an admiration for their strength, and a genuine wanting for them to heal. This is a different type of love than I have for my partner, or for my friends, or for my children. As the therapy relationship is unique, the love is also.

I think the term "love" can mean so many things, and sometimes those things are hurtful, and blurry, and break boundaries. This is not love, and not to what I am referring.

But I do think therapists can love their clients in a way that helps them grow wings and fly on their own. This doesn't mean, however, that I tell all my clients that I do love (for their strength, their willingness to be real, etc, etc) that "I love you". But I think sending people loving (i.e. Love, T) feelings, may be appropriate if YOU feel it is.

As always, something to talk about.

[NCsweetheart79]

Mine has specific clients he "loves" my husband and I are 2 of them because he has seen how we have struggled over the years and the things that we both have been through and he cares for us.

Note: My husband and I see the same therapist but individually and yes it works out and has for the past 4 yrs

[elliemay]

At one, particularly angry phase of my therapy I just flat out told my therapist that there was no love in therapy.

He very calmly sat back in his seat and replied

"there is no therapy without love."

And that, in my opinion, has absolutely proven to be the case.

[Perna]

If you have seen her that long and can tell the relationship is a maternal one, I'd say she loves, is fond of you, kind of like the next door neighbor lady you grew up knowing who watched you when your mother needed to run to the store or something; had kids, your friend's mom, etc.

Our T says she loves us quite often and we are always saying we love her.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by elliemay

....He very calmly sat back in his seat and replied, "there is no therapy without love."........

Ah!! there it is! Put this together with two other quotes

Stormy Angels >> As the therapy relationship is unique, the love is also.
Irvin Yalom >> It is the relationship that heals.

and how could it, if there were not caring coming through.

Thanks so much cmac13 for starting this thread!! I think that for me, this question has finally been settled, and I won't have to worry about it any more.

[stopdog]

What good does being loved by a therapist do?

[mcl6136]

My old T really showed his dislike for me; it was obvious and likely mutual at the beginning.

I urge people to really take stock of this. I think that hiding behind a mask of neutrality can be a lot of anger coming from SOME Ts. In this case, I asked him several times if he was burned out (not REALLY old, but an older T). I think it was probably the case, but now reading these posts, it's even clearer what I've missed. My T from the past (more than ten years ago) really showed her positive regard (call it liking, love, affection, respect) for me.

I need that, and now I wonder: is that a large part of what is HEALING in therapy?

I think so!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

My old T really showed his dislike for me; it was obvious and likely mutual at the beginning.

!

I get why it is useful for them to not actively dislike you or treat you badly. But that seems a far cry from "love." I don't see how it would matter one way or the other.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What good does being loved by a therapist do?

put that way it makes one think of the many IRL-kinds of love that we usually expect from that word. But as Stormy said, the therapeutic experience is unique, and the love that operates there is unique. It's not to last, even; but in that room, in that moment it surely can exist, and I think it alone makes possible the opening-up that gets to the deep, hurt places.
does that make sense?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What good does being loved by a therapist do?

It's how you build the new neuropathways (required for a healthy life and happiness?) that should have been built by your mother loving your beautiful little baby face, back when it WAS a beautiful little baby face and not the unfortunate wrinkled up old prune my face is now - my poor T earns every penny of his pay!

I do believe that therapists can love their clients, particularly those doing deep therapy whereby they get intimately acquainted with the child inside and raw emotions and childlike innocence. I have exchanged "I love yous" with my therapists (seen 3 different ones in the last 5 years) and they often sign emails or letters with "love."

However, just like different people in this thread have mentioned that they are uncomfortable with this word and with touch, therapists are the same - people like me and you! I'm not sure that being able to express and have love for us has everything to do with working through their own issues. One therapist I had, the most effusive with her "I love yous" and hugs, definitely has lots of work to do on herself (part of why we no longer work together).

My current therapist said it beautifully (and she said that she tells this to her students--she's also a professor in a counseling psych PhD program): "After some time, I fall in love with my clients." I think this is amazing. I don't want a therapist to love me because she's a therapist and I'm her client, I want her to get to know me and love me for who I am inside.

I'm a teacher and I do indeed love some of my students; I feel so privileged to get to know them and find that they are amazing people with lots of potential. I do not know them as intimately as my therapists know me, but I think of it in the same way. I love knowing that my therapists love me. Love is very important to me and I respect and recognize that love isn't as important for many others. I think that therapists have a sense of how each of us feels about love, touch, etc., and within boundaries that they feel comfortable with, they reciprocate this.

About the question "what good does being loved by a therapist do?", for me it showed me that I am loveable to other human beings, particularly to those whom I share myself with. I struggled A LOT with this, believing that I could possibly be loveable to someone (didn't feel this way from my parents). This has been an amazing gift to me from my therapists and has helped me enormously in other relationships to see that I am "worth it" and loveable.

I do think that this love extends after the therapy relationship ends. Though contact is infrequent or non-existent, we and our life stories have impacted our therapists and it's hard to just forget about us or turn off the love once we're gone physically from their lives. I do exchange emails a few times a year with a therapist I ended with 3 years ago. We've "talked" about this, and she said that of course she still loves me and she feels honored that I chose to share myself and my love with her; her love for me isn't a faucet that can just be turned off.

[skysblue]

I don't know personally about 'love' but I'm pretty sure my T feels some affection for me. She's even called me 'delightful'. I guess I trust it enough that I felt free last week to tell her I hated her. Of course, I don't hate her and she knows I don't hate her but feeling safe enough to be able to say that to her, to me, shows that I feel some real warmth from her side and that I won't be rejected by being who I am. That is the magic and wonder of the therapy relationship. And that's why those feelings matter.

Originally Posted by stopdog

What good does being loved by a therapist do?

For me, really understanding that my T loves me has helped me start to believe that I am capable of being loved, and that maybe, MAYBE other people could love me too.

I was married to my H for 17 years and I didn't believe he loved me at ALL. I thought he liked me, maybe, and liked having me around, but truly NEVER thought that he actually loved me. The more I felt T's love for me, the more I started wondering if I was wrong...if maybe my H loves me after all. And you know what? He DOES. He always has. But I grew up believing I was so fundamentally unlovable that I could not believe that ANYONE could love me. And I thought that if someone SAID they loved me, it really meant 'I am going to hurt you".

I trust my T probably more than anyone in the world. We've spent hundreds of hours together over the past 4 years. When he says he loves me, I BELIEVE him. He loves me and is safe and will never hurt me. And that is allowing me to believe that other people might actually love me too...like, REALLY love me.

Learning that I can be loved is absolutely one of the most important and good things that have come out of my therapy.

[JustWannaDisappear]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What good does being loved by a therapist do?

Helps me to feel safe. Trust her and know that she isn't judging me.

She's never told me she loves me, I think I'd turn a few shades of red and feel very uncomfortable if she ever said that. She has however told me she enjoys me and looks forward to seeing me and thinks about me. That tells me she 'loves' me.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Learning that I can be loved is absolutely one of the most important and good things that have come out of my therapy.

This is EXACTLY how I feel! And it's helped me to trust others not to hurt me -- see them through loving eyes and believe that they are doing the same.