oh wow. i got so triggered a little bit ago. total ambush. immediately i couldn't' feel my legs and i kind of floated out of my body.

i tried to remember what to do when i feel like that. i think i name things, hear things, feel a stone, step outside. put my feet on the floor? but they were on the floor.

there's me and then there's my body. i don't know if i can do those things. i think i tried?

i called t for sure. i left a message. i know we cant talk but maybe he can leave a message back?

sometiems in session we figure it out TOGETHER. i figure out part and he figures out part and then my body comes back.

trying trying trying. i don't want t to be mad. i cant believe i got triggered like this. it makes me mad and sad and empty. i want it to go away now now now now but i know it will take time. i hope it doesn't take a lot of time.

[Nelliecat]

treehouse

[googley]

((((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))

Your T will not be mad. He will understand you calling him. You got triggered. But you came up with a lot of things to do to help you ground. Have you tried deep breathing? Or identifying and describing with as much detail as possible 10 things in your space? You will be okay! Please be gentle with yourself. You are getting triggered less and less all the time. But that doesn't mean it wont ever happen. And you are getting better at grounding yourself when it happens. That is the important part. You will be OKAY!

I will jump into your pocket until you feel better and keep you company.

[pachyderm]

The knowledge of what we should do seems to vanish when we most need it, in distress.

It does seem to come back, though, if we can weather the storm.

[delicatefade26]

Your T will not be mad : ) hope you start feeling better soon, until then lots of safe hugs!! (((treehouse))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))) I'm glad you came here to say you are hurting. Please feel yourself surrounded by loving hearts who have shared your path for a long time now, we are FOR YOU and with you.

[learning1]

Tree I hope you are feeling better by now.... I know it can take me all day to get to the point where I feel "all together"....maybe if you haven't received a message from your T. yet, you can go back and read a reassuring email or a phone message from the past that you may have saved... sending you safe hugs...

[rainbow_rose]

my thoughts are with you, treehouse.

Thank you SO much for hearing me and responding

T actually called me a few minutes after I left him a message (or messages?) The whole memory of all of it is so surreal. I know what triggered me (a word) and I know that I left a message and I can SEE that I posted here and I remember sitting in my closet with the phone and I know I talked to T but the details are gone. The only thing I do remember is that T suggested that I write the word down and rip it up or mentally put it in my box in his office...and I REALLY didn't want the word here, so I asked him if he would write it down there and rip it up and throw it away and he said he would. But he didn't know what the word was, I don't think (I'm not sure) so he had me write the word and e-mail it to him and then he printed it and tore it up and threw it away. We do that with yucky words sometimes. Get them out of my head and make them go away, so they're not floating around and taking over.

It helped. But then later today, I felt SO VULNERABLE. T and I rarely talk on the phone, and especially because I don't remember the messages or the phone call, I know I was super triggered and dissociated and...YUCK. In his office, there is time to get regrounded and to experience us being us, T and me, but there wasn't that today.

So. I called AGAIN and told him that I felt kind of yucky and scared and that I feel better and not triggered but could I please have some reassurance? And he left me a message and said he was glad I asked for the reassurance and that I haven't experienced that big of a trigger in a while and that he was glad I called him and that we are okay.

And I guess that's the story of my Monday being the World's Neediest Client

It was worth it, though, because I'm okay now. I was in "I will do ANYTHING to make this go away" mode. I guess out of all of the options, calling T wasn't the worst one, for sure.

[Wren_]

calling your T seems to have been a really good option with both calls, I'm glad he could help with the being triggered earlier and with giving you reassurance. For all that, you still don't sound like the world's neediest client although I can understand feeling that way ... that's really good news you feel ok now

I got triggered AGAIN last night. I fell asleep and woke up SUDDENLY with all of these memories in my head. But they were good memories. All of the good, kind, fun things my dad ever did for me. It's like I can't hold that and the bad stuff at the same time. I'm, like, paralyzed.

I can't call T again. And in this weird way, I feel angry at him, although I don't know why. I guess because I don't know where else to put this ****.

I've asked T about a million times to help me find a support group for people who went through CSA. I live in a major metropolitan area. THERE. ISN'T. ONE. There isn't one! I live near a hospital that has support groups for everything from eating disorders to cancer to substance abuse and nothing, nothing, NOTHING for "survivors" (ugh) of CSA (UGH UGH UGH).

Obviously, i need to get grounded. again. i hate when i am in a time of peace and my brain decides that *now* is the time to start dumping this stuff on me again. like, I REALLY REALLY hate it.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

I am in a similar place and also have found myself feeling angry at T....possibly because I want him to be here for me NOW and not just living his life happily while I am hurting.

Try to hold onto the reassurance that T has given you, the care and the love he has for you.....((( HUGS )))

[sittingatwatersedge]

>> I've asked T about a million times to help me find a support group for people who went through CSA. I live in a major metropolitan area. THERE. ISN'T. ONE. There isn't one! I live near a hospital that has support groups for everything from eating disorders to cancer to substance abuse .. and nothing.

just my own $0.02, I can't even imagine what that would be like, a roomful of strangers hearing me talk about those events... it took so long, and was so hard, to tell it just once, in a closed room, to someone who had labored long and hard to show me she was trustworthy. Maybe that's why there isn't one?

but at least there's one here Tree, sort of... we are here for you and we love you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I got triggered AGAIN last night. I fell asleep and woke up SUDDENLY with all of these memories in my head. But they were good memories. All of the good, kind, fun things my dad ever did for me. It's like I can't hold that and the bad stuff at the same time. I'm, like, paralyzed.

I can't call T again. And in this weird way, I feel angry at him, although I don't know why. I guess because I don't know where else to put this ****.

I've asked T about a million times to help me find a support group for people who went through CSA. I live in a major metropolitan area. THERE. ISN'T. ONE. There isn't one! I live near a hospital that has support groups for everything from eating disorders to cancer to substance abuse and nothing, nothing, NOTHING for "survivors" (ugh) of CSA (UGH UGH UGH).

Obviously, i need to get grounded. again. i hate when i am in a time of peace and my brain decides that *now* is the time to start dumping this stuff on me again. like, I REALLY REALLY hate it.

oh tree this hapens to me all the time just waik up with tons of stuff running through my head and i cant function.i am so sorry this is going on for you .do you have any idea what is causing this if it haasnt happened in a while.it sucks

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

>> I've asked T about a million times to help me find a support group for people who went through CSA. I live in a major metropolitan area. THERE. ISN'T. ONE. There isn't one! I live near a hospital that has support groups for everything from eating disorders to cancer to substance abuse .. and nothing.

just my own $0.02, I can't even imagine what that would be like, a roomful of strangers hearing me talk about those events... it took so long, and was so hard, to tell it just once, in a closed room, to someone who had labored long and hard to show me she was trustworthy. Maybe that's why there isn't one?

but at least there's one here Tree, sort of... we are here for you and we love you.

I don't want to talk about it. I want to hear other people talk about it so I know I'm not alone and crazy

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't want to talk about it. I want to hear other people talk about it so I know I'm not alone and crazy

I know but you see, for every Treehouse A who shows up that evening (who doesn't want to talk about it, just wants to hear other people talk about it), there have to be other Treehouse B's showing up, to make up the 'other people' (who do have to talk about it).

You are not alone. and you are DEFINITELY not crazy!!! I should know!!!

[googley]

(((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))